So, I found this board from Reddit, and it seems like a better place to post this stuff than there. I understand what I did can upset others not even related to it, but being called a piece of shit with no hope isn't what I need right now.
This may get a little long, but I have to just pour out a bunch of horrible crap I've been living with.
Anyways, I cheated on my boyfriend twice. (Cue Maury booing) The first guy was only a one-time thing, and the second was with a coworker where it happened 3 times.
I have severe codependency issues. I'm always looking for a second opinion because I can never trust my own. I also suffer from extreme social anxiety. It's literally hard to say no to anyone for anything. Boss wants me to work a double? Well...uh...I...um...okay. (gives up)
In the sense, I make fear-based decisions. In my mind at the time, it was a lot better to just let these guys have what they want rather than saying no, even though the consequences of those actions are a lot worse.
The one small factor that leaves me hanging on is that similar situations would happen before I was in a relationship. Guys would "talk me in" a relationship (i.e. pester me until I said yes), and then do things to me I didn't want.
I assume then at that point, the basis of my cheating falls under these points:
A) Gullibility. I was way too trusting of these men, despite being fooled over and over again. By the time I realize what they actually wanted, it seemed like it was too late.
Guy #1 also did things to take advantage of me by saying things like, "You're here with me, obviously you don't care about him." My stomach churns thinking about it now. How could I believe his bullshit?
B) Irrational fear of rejection of others and an unnecessary need of validation.
I might as well have a target painted on me saying "EASY". I'm always worried what others think of me, to the point where I'm freaking out over downvotes on Reddit. I'm always thinking I'm stupid, socially behind, and inadequate.
C) Both of these affairs occurred while my relationship was still an LDR.
This doesn't make it any better by any means, but it gives me some kind of hope that since I'm here in our home, I wouldn't have the time or place to even cheat. I live with my boyfriend. I work, and come straight home. If I have to be home late, such as staying over at work or stopping at the store, he is the first to know. If any incident occurred that was out of the norm, such as being approached by a guy, I tell him.
Now, I want to emphasize that this is merely the reason, not an excuse. To say something like, "Yeah, I cheated, but I have mental problems so it's a-okay!" is ridiculous. I know that in my heart if I don't solve these problems, it could very well likely happen again. And that's where I feel so alone at times.
At the basis, I'm like every other Wayward. I was selfish for my own reasons. Even at the very chance of losing the best thing I've ever had, I just let it happen. I just let it happen twice. I feel disgusted at myself.
I confessed both times. The first time, I confessed on the night that it happened. The second, I held in for two years. But, I knew he had to know. Sure, I wanted to not feel guilty, but it wasn't just that. He deserved to know. We had talks of marriage, and how could I honestly marry him if that was looming in the back of my mind?
Anyways, I did many things to try and reconcile. The both of us just buried the first incident and pretended like it never happened. I blame myself for the second time even more, because if I took the proactive approach, it might have never happened again.
We talked, and we cried, and those first few days after the second confession, he was completely destroyed. I now know how it feels to completely destroy the one person you supposedly love more than anything else and do nothing but just hold them... There's nothing else you can do.
It's been just over a month now. I've been trying to hold strong for him, and he seems like he wants it to work. We have our good days and our bad days...it's a tossup between which we have more now.
I found out I had an employee assistance program, and I'm taking advantage of it. I have my second appointment this week.
I've gone from feeling numb to suicidal. I feel the only reason I haven't killed my stupid self is that to kill yourself is a sign of weakness. How can I show him I can be better if I kill myself?
I feel really remorseful for what I've done. Everything seems to be a trigger. Song on the radio singing about how that dirty cheater done broke his heart, seeing those TV shows where a cheater confesses on stage in the break room...I feel nonredeemable.
Even if I ever got 100% better and was assured it'd never happen again, I still have the red A attached to me. If I lost this relationship, there would forever be this burden of distrust to a future SO. "Oh, you cheated before? Better dump ya before you do it to me!"
I'm sorry if this doesn't make sense. And I'm sorry if you don't believe me (who'd believe a cheater?). I just want to know if there's anything I can do to make this pain go away short of killing myself.
Is there any hope for healing? Will I ever be able to forgive myself?