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I don't know what to do.

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ThereIsNoSpoon posted 11/1/2013 20:44 PM

Hi, guys. Sorry, I've never done this before, so I'm not familiar with all the abbreviations and stuff yet.

I just need a place to vent because I don't know whom else to speak. Most of my friends are our common friends, and I don't want them to be forced to take sides.

My husband and I have been separated for almost a year. I'm bi-polar and had a pretty bad episode last year. In the height of my mania, I did things that hurt him, my family, and friends. The marriage couldn't survive all that stress, so he and I decided to separate.

Some time this year though, he and I decided to try fixing our marriage...soon. Not now, since we were both still hurting, but we agreed that we were going to do our best to get the marriage back on track.

What I did not know was that he was sleeping with someone else all this time. He told the girl that he and I were not getting back together--and he told me that he was only seeing her casually, that he still wanted to fix things with me.

Soon enough though, the girl and I both realized that he had been lying to both of us all this time. The girl had no idea that he promised to fix things with me, and so she left him. In my country, we have a saying that says panakip butas, literally, what it means is covering a hole. That's what he called her. So, in essence, he wanted her around in the meantime so that he could have someone to sleep with while he and I had not gotten back together yet. To her credit, she had enough self-respect to walk away.

Meanwhile, I'm left feeling used, confused, and very, very hurt. (The anger has passed.) We have a young daughter (turning 3 in a few weeks), and sometimes I wonder if he only wants to fix things with me because of her, not me. Like I'm being Jerry Maguire-d (if that makes sense). I still want to fix things with him, but now I don't know if he wants to fix things with me.

And I feel like a stupid nitwit, wanting HIM to come back when HE was the one who messed up.

Somebody please tell me I'm being stupid. Or, should I still just wait for him? I made a vow, and that sort of thing is a big deal for me.

I really don't know what else to do. :(

[This message edited by ThereIsNoSpoon at 8:45 PM, November 1st (Friday)]

MovingUpward posted 11/1/2013 22:11 PM

First of all, Welcome! I'm glad that you found us. Second, the abbreviations can be hard to pick up. If you get lost with these you can look them up either



Now back to the issue at hand.

I made a vow, and that sort of thing is a big deal for me.

Since this is your belief then I would encourage you to start to try and work on this issue. Are you able to talk one on one with your H (husband) on this? How does he respond to your questions? Is he minimizing? Is he blaming you?

You are not a nitwit for wanting to reconcile. Many couples are able to do this. So it is capable but it will take both of your efforts.

ThereIsNoSpoon posted 11/1/2013 23:47 PM

Thank you (also for the links). I'm glad I'm not just speaking to the void, you know?

My husband doesn't want to talk about it yet. He never wants to do anything now...he always says "yet"--which, I think, is what hurts because he always leaves me hanging.

We went through the whole angry conversation: me lashing out at him, telling him how hurt I was. He just took it, didn't really justify his actions. Said he was a lying a$$hole. But aside from that, he said he wants to be left alone to think about what he had done. Whatever that means.

I know my major depressive episode last year must've taken a toll on him (I was hospitalized for a while because I tried to commit suicide), so this is probably his belated stress response to everything. Still, he doesn't seem to have any sense of urgency with everything that's happened. I feel like he suddenly separated from himself and is just kind of silently looking in on everything that he has done.

I want to help him, but I know that will only make me hurt because I'd expect that he'd still choose to stay with me.

Arg! He cheated on me and I'M the one wishing he'd stay with me? It's just messed up.

SerJR posted 11/2/2013 07:34 AM

Welcome here little sister...

I'm so sorry for what's happened. I believe that you are right that your WH felt stressed and had no idea about how to handle it constructively. The choice he made was nothing more than a quick ego-stroke which does nothing to fix the marriage and can only make things worse.

It's normal to feel angry, confused, saddened, and so forth. You say you want to help him. The very best thing you can do however is to help yourself. No matter which way this goes, you need to be at your best. It may just set an example for him to look inwards to understand what his needs are and why he has been making destructive choices. Keep working with your counselor and doctor (I assume that you are), monitor your diet, health, exercise, and find healthy ways to get involved with your life again independent of this chaos.

Also understand that as a human being you have rights. One of those rights is to know the truth about the situation you find yourself in so that you may successfully navigate through it. Your WH is being very selfish by not expressing his intentions. WS's often "sit on the fence" for a while and put off making a decision for as long as they can, because they get the benefits of both the marriage and the affair excitement. What you need to do, is to honour your rights by clearly informing him that you would prefer to work on your marriage, but that you won't accept one with infidelity. Let him know that it's his choice as to how he follows up, but that he can have either the marriage or the OW, but not both. This will reach one hand out to him, while you assert your boundaries with the other - powerful incentive to get off the fence. I also suggest you consult a lawyer to find out what your legal options are, so that you are educated about the different paths ahead.

If your WH still plays dilly-dally shilly-shally, then you might want to check out the 180 in the Healing Library. It is a bullet list of actions to put in place to help you focus independently on yourself and rebuild your self esteem.

Weekends are a little slow around here, but keep posting and keep reading. Whatever you do through all of this, if you can stay true to yourself and your needs, and respect and honour the person you are, you will find a brighter path. Keep true and don't lose faith in yourself.

You're gonna be okay.

[This message edited by SerJR at 7:35 AM, November 2nd (Saturday)]

ThereIsNoSpoon posted 11/2/2013 09:01 AM

Thank you, SerJR. Your response really made me cry. Thank you for being so encouraging.

I'm really doing my best to keep it together, especially since I have a young daughter. I hate that she can see me cry.

Ambermoon posted 11/2/2013 09:24 AM

I am newbie here too but I wanted to reach out to you. I understand that you had a major issue last year relating to your illness but I wouldn't put the blame for his affair on yourself. He has a choice how to deal with his many emotions and he chose something that would destroy what you have and ultimately hurt you and your daugher.
I know vows are important to you but I think what you need to ask yourself is do you feel they are to him? His actions aren't showing that they are and neither is his avoidance to discuss this with you. I know how hurtful these things are but you might just be better off without him.
Our hearts are hurting and confused and we want to believe that the "dream" we had with this person meant something and can still happen.
When making a decision look at the facts not the emotion.
The facts are:
He lied to another women and hurt her.
He lied to you while he pretended to fix things and hurt you.
You told him how hurt you are and he made this about him and left.
What do the facts tell you to do?
Good luck... my heart is sending you love and light.

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