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3 years false R

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blackbirdfly posted 11/1/2013 20:51 PM

So I've been posting a lot lately, trying to sift through my feelings.

Three years ago, my WH "confessed" and begged me to stay. Begged me to R. He told me he would do anything to save our marriage because he was so in love with me. The A had ended some time earlier.

Just recently I found out that he lied about the whole thing - not about having an A, just that none of the things he told me were true, and every time I asked him a specific and direct question he lied, about every single thing.

At the time I did not know, of course. I was willing to R. I wanted to. I was devastated and didn't want to lose my husband and hurt our two children. I went through all the normal phases of grief and anger and it took me a long time but I finally reached acceptance and thought I might be able to move forward.

Just recently I was beginning to feel "healed" at least in some small way. I have been taking better care of myself and had made the choice to just enjoy each day as it came.

Being blindsided like this, again, by this "new" H who promised that he would do anything to make up for the horrible things he did, is worse than anything else. I gave him a second chance, and that's worse than before. During and before his A, he was an awful husband. Selfish, rude bordering on abusive, neglected his family. He really did hate me. He had an A because he hated me and thought he deserved to be with "someone he could really love." He was awful.

But after Dday, he was so "changed." I believed him because I thought he confessed. I had no idea, I would have never known. I thought because he came forward he meant what he said. That he was committed to rebuilding and having a real marriage for once.

It hurts so much worse than the A. It really does. The A kills me, the mind movies have come back a lot lately, especially now that I know all these new details about how many times and where and when and what lies he told me to cover up.

But nothing can compare to the pain of knowing that for the past three years, I have tried and worked to R with someone who still did not respect me enough to tell me the truth.

This was not TT. This was like Dday all over again. He made me relive dday. That he could do that to me, now - he's like a monster. And when I cry he just sits there and watches me. Like I'm nothing. Then insists in his cold dead voice that he loves me but I just won't accept him.

He cries all the time "over what he did to me." But as far as I can tell, he's crying over what he did to himself. I don't know why he keeps insisting on telling me he loves me. He doesn't. He never has.

And then, after all my rage and anger and pain, I start to think... has anyone ever R'd after something so horrible? Could I?

What is wrong with me? Am I so scared of going out of my comfort zone that I would love someone like that? That I could live that kind of life forever!?

I'm starting counseling on Tuesday and i hope I find some answers within myself. I'm so scared of divorce because of how it will affect my kids (I've read so many articles about the truly terrible affect on young children). I'm so scared to turn their lives upside down because I'm putting my needs before theirs.

Area2 posted 11/1/2013 21:15 PM

I don't think you are putting your needs before those of the children, I think you making the best decisions you can trying to protect their future by giving them a stable home. Even if it only contains one parent in the home, they will be loved, protected, and shown what a strong woman can do. You deserve far more than your WH is giving you and any move you make to protect your mental health and we'll-being will be good for children too. Take care of yourself and those precious children. Let that lying jacka** twist in the wind until you decide the future. You deserve love and respect. Hugs to you.

inca posted 11/2/2013 01:52 AM

I think you can recover but you need to do so without him. What he did was unforgivable. And you are a victim but you need to put yourself out of harm's way. Good luck to you. I am sending you a big hug.

twokids posted 11/2/2013 02:31 AM

I'm really sorry for what you have gone through. I know a thing or two about false R, having lived it for several years.

My WH also promised me monogamy, that he loved me, and so forth, all the while lying and cheating. I finally, albeit very reluctantly, came to the conclusion he is not relationship material. Nothing I could do or so would change that. I had no choice but to realize I was going it alone, and to act accordingly.

My WH was cold and mean when faced with my anger and tears. He made me feel like a freak and a burden. He didn't think I had a right to feel the way I did, and made it clear that I was such a drag to be around when I was upset. Over time I stopped telling him how I felt, and while I'm lonely as heck, I actually feel much better not engaging with him and having my feelings negated.

Even though we have an in-house separation, in my heart I feel we are divorced. It's not what I wanted, but it is what I have. And no amount of wishful thinking will change the fact that he is who he is.

crazynot posted 11/2/2013 03:41 AM

Divorce and life with a single, loving and happy parent is far better for kids than living among such unhappiness. Really.

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