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Sick or what?

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cardnial posted 11/1/2013 23:42 PM

Hello, yes the husband has returned and he is all ready now to make this right between us. We have been going to MC. Not too sure it is making much difference, he is remorseful, etc but MC makes it all feel worse because all the ugly comes out there. I sort of got what I want though, I got a new car and were moving to Alabama where I have wanted to go for awhile now because our daughter lives there, so I will get a new house also. I guess I am taking advantage of the situation to get what I want now. I love him but not like I did, not anymore but I am just playing my cards to get what I want. I know this is wrong on some level but WTH he owes me. Right???

Hearthache again posted 11/2/2013 00:59 AM

I am just playing my cards to get what I want. I know this is wrong on some level but WTH he owes me. Right???

Yes and no. You do deserve to feel better, but stringing your WS on with no intentions to reconcile to get stuff is not right IMO. If you are trying to work things out or even just waiting to see if it is possible and these things, like moving are necessary for you to R then it is perfectly ok.

I think I would of demanded to move if stuff happened in my house. I would of demanded a new car if it happened in the car. Things like this are very acceptable things to ask for to recover from this.

deena posted 11/2/2013 01:28 AM

I once told my MC that I felt guilty accepting things done for me from my WH, because I really didn't know if I loved him anymore and didn't know if I could stay in this marriage.

My WH left me while I was going thru counselling for a childhood molestation that I had kept secret. (I didn't initiate sex enough and I "complained" that he seemed so distant and uncaring and that I needed it now. He turned it into fights until he finally said he was leaving "to work on our marriage"
After a year he asked to return.
But my counsellor said , he didn't give me a choice to let him back with full honesty that he had an affair while he was gone.
So he also wasn't deserving of a choice of giving me these things even if I didn't know if I want to stay in this marriage.

To me it makes sense.

WH strung me along with me thinking he had been faithful and honest.

He doesn't deserve any better treatment from me.

I am not cheating on him.....just accepting his guilt payment.

Nature_Girl posted 11/2/2013 09:17 AM

Yes, he owes you something. He owes you remorse, honesty, apologies. He owes you integrity, fidelity, love.

I don't see that he owes you a house, a car, or other material things. He is your husband, not a gift genie. Your words sound like you're just using him. How is that any better than what he did to you?

justjim posted 11/2/2013 10:35 AM

Yes, he owes you something. He owes you remorse, honesty, apologies. He owes you integrity, fidelity, love.

I don't see that he owes you a house, a car, or other material things. He is your husband, not a gift genie. Your words sound like you're just using him. How is that any better than what he did to you?

I would gladly give up every material thing we own just to have back those things in the first paragraph.

In a heartbeat.

Take2 posted 11/2/2013 11:09 AM

Sick or what? Well that depends on what you are feeling guilty about...?

Are you planning on dumping his ass and changing the locks the minute you get a house down south? Or burying him in the basement once you get there?

Here's another question for you - Would you have felt a guilty about getting what you want if the A's hadn't happened? I ask because I used to feel guilty anytime I spent money, even to visit my mom - airfare etc. Didn't matter that my X spent money on what he wanted (under the guise of "investments": boats, gun collection, music equipment). That is just the way it was. I pinched pennies to pay the bills, so spending money on me, made me feel guilty. Codependency will do that to ya. When you are the "giver" getting what you want can feel "selfish". Is this dynamic in play perhaps?

You say you love him - just not the same way you used to. I imagine this is because you've realized the way you feel about him now includes limits - it is no longer idealistic and unconditional love... A lot of BS here know that feeling, that loss; the new "normal".

Or are you just in limbo and unsure if you want to stay married...? He cheated, he left, you are in MC - so he knows the marriage is in a shaky place. The way I see it - you've been married 45 years and are both retired. Moving closer to one of the kids sounds like a good idea - for both of you, whatever else happens. Would he move - whatever else happens? Maybe you should ask him.

sisoon posted 11/2/2013 12:18 PM

W's A occurred around the time of our 43rd anniversary.

Just some thoughts...

What do you want? If you want to love and be loved, I think going after material things is 'sick' - i.e. unhealthy. If you're really done with him, taking him for everything he's worth makes sense.

Is he really remorseful? If so, you could have a great relationship for the next several years. Or is he just guilt-ridden? (If he's cheated multiple times, and in his 60s or 70s, I'm not sure how much I'd bet on remorse...old habits die hard.)

If you are just playing him, have you considered D? The odds against finding another loving male companion are high, but it's a possibility if you D and not in the cards if you stay M.

As I say, just some thoughts....

cardnial posted 11/2/2013 12:31 PM

Thank you to everyone for your input. I don't really feel bad about him buying me material things. He has always been very generous about stuff like that. Yes, OW was in my car so a new car didn't hurt. As far as I know she was never in my house but now Erie, PA is like tainted to me. I look around like when I am shopping or out somewhere and think what if I see her?? That sucks! We have talked about moving south for a few yrs now. I don't plan on throwing him out after I get what I want but I do feel I would be in a better place, not being up north with no family, etc. It sort of feels like I got a couple aces now and I want to use them to get what I want. I will never trust him like before that is a given but I do love him. I guess I don't really respect him anymore though. I feel a little bad that I am using the situation to my advantage but not that bad. It just makes sense to me and sort of protects me in case he does this again. This is the women I am now, so much of me has changed. I was devastated but I learned to protect myself. Is that wrong or is that smart???

Ashland13 posted 11/2/2013 13:32 PM

I think what you are saying is that you want to be sort of paid back for the things your WH has done?

But are you sure material things are the right way? I get what you're saying because OW that Perv picked is being brought out of hiding and I want very much to retreat.

I think for me, though, I would want "penance" or "payback" to be in the form of words and gestures on the behalf of Perv.

LeopoldB posted 11/2/2013 14:03 PM

People move south and get new houses and cars all the time for no reason. There's nothing wrong with that. The problem with using your aces in "trade" is that H may reasonably expect that he is meeting the price for you to "get over it". That too is fine, if you are prepared to be over it. However, if there is no price he can ever pay to regain your respect, then you might as well milk him dry. That way he gets to feel good about his unrequited generosity and you get lots of things. He may like that trade.

anewday78 posted 11/2/2013 17:37 PM

Cardinal, please go back to the topic you started in "just found out" on October 10 titled "he wants to come home" and re-read all the responses there, including mine. Here's a link:

I was devastated but I learned to protect myself. Is that wrong or is that smart???
Knowing your story, I would have to say that letting him back in is neither "smart" nor the best way to "protect" yourself. He's been doing this to you for years. You can get to Alabama without him AND get a new home and car - a good lawyer can get you half or maybe even more of everything he's spent his lifetime working for. If you want to be smart and protect yourself, hire an attorney who can rid you of this toxic, sorry excuse for a man.

heme posted 11/2/2013 17:44 PM

Personally Id give up anything to have the security and trust back in the relationship. No material thing could ever pay back for what he has taken from me. My WH said he wanted to give back to me all the money he spent on the affair but I didn't want it. To me money doesn't equate to happiness and the money spent doesn't mean nearly as much as the non-tangible things that he took..

I guess it depends on what you are OK with. To me its hard for me to accept anything from my WH right now because it feels wrong.

Stillstings posted 11/2/2013 18:48 PM

When I was in my early 20's, I knew many girls that got promise rings. I personally called them Shut Her Up rings because I knew they were wanting marriage badly but the BF was not ready to commit but wanted the wedding talk to stop.

With that said, I am afraid if you brought up the affair (you are in the very early recovering stages so it will rear its head)he'd throw the new car and new house in your face and say, "You got what you wanted so shut up".

Your aces may end up being the Queen of Spades if you're not careful.

HardenMyHeart posted 11/2/2013 18:59 PM

but I am just playing my cards to get what I want.

Nothing new here:

Gold digger is slang for a greedy person (stereotypically a woman) who only dates (and subsequently marries) wealthy partners with the (typically) sole intention of exploiting said wealth. The term is usually pejorative.

Personally, I couldn't do that to somebody. But hey, you have righteous anger on your side, so that sounds like a good reason to take advantage of someone. I'm also confident you are not being dishonest because you plan on telling him your intent to play your cards right to get what you want...Right?

[This message edited by HardenMyHeart at 10:05 PM, November 2nd (Saturday)]

cardnial posted 11/3/2013 08:51 AM

Thank you all so much. I guess I need to take a look at the big picture and reevaluate things. Maybe I should feel bad but I don't mind taking his money, why should some slut get any of it. I sort of think he does owe me now. He is going to MC and he has called his daughters to say he is sorry for the hurt he caused them and me. He has given me all passwords for all accounts and email. So far he has done everything I have asked him to do. He doesn't want to loose his family and all that he has worked his whole life for. I want to leave this town, I say to myself I am not running away I am running to something. I feel like an ass because I took him back but then again I am much happier than I was when he was gone? It's not all about love anymore it's more about security now for me. I think 46 years is too long to not try again. I do think he is sort of a dumb ass man. I think that about most men and would not want another one after this. Life is moving along and I want to live in the south where my daughter is and be happy or at least live in peace now. I don't feel all that bad about my motives, I still think this is my ace in the hole??

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