I want to pose a question that I've kinda been avoiding because I feared getting told-off by SI people, but I have learned that I can handle some telling off now. I seek honesty for myself and the courage to face what I feel the need to hide.
I have lost about 60 pounds in the last 9 months. I have always been overweight, except for a couple of years when we started dating (at the age of 17 - I know, no comparison for body types at 17 and 33). I was overweight when we got married, it has always been a source of depression for me, and I have yo-yoed a couple of times during our M.
So, after dday, I literally could not swallow solid food for about a month. I ended up living on boost and bananas. I think I dropped nearly 20 pounds in the first 6 weeks. So, my body changed, my stomache shrunk, and I was in such a place of trauma that I no longer found any joy in food. I always said that I was not an emotional eater, I just really enjoyed delicious food. I think I have learned that I did have an emotion to eating; pleasure. It was really the only guaranteed source of pleasure in our deteriorating M, and it is not any more.
So, I have changed the way I eat, and continued to lose weight. I am now about 5 pounds over the maximum BMI for my height, and, to sound like a bit of a cocky SOB, I look hot.
The truth is, my new body provides me with a huge amount of strength and confidence in my M. I know and believe now that I am attractive, can see it in the way men check me out now, and the way people talk to and about me.
I just don't know how healthy that self-esteem boost is. I know with my intelligence that I had nothing to do with the A, and I wonder if my heightened self-esteem is based more on what other people think of me than what I do. But I also think it's really great that I can feel good about something happening in my life right now.
I had been managing my childhood sexual abuse for the 2 years before dday too, and have only recently done the work that I needed to do to reclaim sex. So, I've got two things happening; a freedom to be present in my body during sex and discover what I like about it (which was not much before, and is an amazing and fun discovery now), and I also have a new faith in my attractiveness to my H.
So, the good things are, that sex is now a source of pleasure and something that we can come together in that does NOT trigger me! I have 'mind movies' now and then, but they happen when I'm driving to work, and not during sex. And I tell my H when they happen, and we just cuddle at those times.
So, I guess I'm wondering if anyone thinks I need to get a whack in the back of the head? Are the good feelings I am having about my weight loss unhealthy or detrimental in the long run? I can't see a healthier body being a bad thing, but I wonder if I'm going about it in an unhealthy way? Pretty sure I'm not?