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honesty about weight loss post dday

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eachdayisvictory posted 11/2/2013 07:48 AM

I want to pose a question that I've kinda been avoiding because I feared getting told-off by SI people, but I have learned that I can handle some telling off now. I seek honesty for myself and the courage to face what I feel the need to hide.

I have lost about 60 pounds in the last 9 months. I have always been overweight, except for a couple of years when we started dating (at the age of 17 - I know, no comparison for body types at 17 and 33). I was overweight when we got married, it has always been a source of depression for me, and I have yo-yoed a couple of times during our M.

So, after dday, I literally could not swallow solid food for about a month. I ended up living on boost and bananas. I think I dropped nearly 20 pounds in the first 6 weeks. So, my body changed, my stomache shrunk, and I was in such a place of trauma that I no longer found any joy in food. I always said that I was not an emotional eater, I just really enjoyed delicious food. I think I have learned that I did have an emotion to eating; pleasure. It was really the only guaranteed source of pleasure in our deteriorating M, and it is not any more.

So, I have changed the way I eat, and continued to lose weight. I am now about 5 pounds over the maximum BMI for my height, and, to sound like a bit of a cocky SOB, I look hot.

The truth is, my new body provides me with a huge amount of strength and confidence in my M. I know and believe now that I am attractive, can see it in the way men check me out now, and the way people talk to and about me.

I just don't know how healthy that self-esteem boost is. I know with my intelligence that I had nothing to do with the A, and I wonder if my heightened self-esteem is based more on what other people think of me than what I do. But I also think it's really great that I can feel good about something happening in my life right now.

I had been managing my childhood sexual abuse for the 2 years before dday too, and have only recently done the work that I needed to do to reclaim sex. So, I've got two things happening; a freedom to be present in my body during sex and discover what I like about it (which was not much before, and is an amazing and fun discovery now), and I also have a new faith in my attractiveness to my H.

So, the good things are, that sex is now a source of pleasure and something that we can come together in that does NOT trigger me! I have 'mind movies' now and then, but they happen when I'm driving to work, and not during sex. And I tell my H when they happen, and we just cuddle at those times.

So, I guess I'm wondering if anyone thinks I need to get a whack in the back of the head? Are the good feelings I am having about my weight loss unhealthy or detrimental in the long run? I can't see a healthier body being a bad thing, but I wonder if I'm going about it in an unhealthy way? Pretty sure I'm not?

I think I can posted 11/2/2013 08:20 AM

It sounds perfectly healthy to me. When you are emotionally devastated--you have to pull yourself out of the hole, and oftentimes BS's emerge from that hole stronger and more self-reliant and more self-confident.

struggling16 posted 11/2/2013 08:28 AM

I shared your concerns for a long time and then I just decided that I was going to enjoy my size 8 body.

I, too, lost interest in food for months after Dday. I dropped to my college weight and I decided to embrace it. I wasn't truly overweight in the first place. But during the A, I actually asked my WH if I was heavy (size 12) and he said I was "ample" (it was true compared to his skeletal AP). My self-esteem took a horrible hit years ago when my WH decided that he'd rather watch and masturbate to porn than be intimate with me. Since I beat myself up for years about my weight I am enjoying my new found self-control, healthy habits and new wardrobe.

I think we beat ourselves up enough during the R process. Why not fully embrace all the rewards of living a healthy lifestyle?

painfulpast posted 11/2/2013 08:50 AM

Oh honey, enjoy it! The DDay diet is the best not on the market, the diet none of us wanted. You are feeling good about yourself at a time when everything else can really shatter your self esteem. It's good that there is something that you're happy about.

eachdayisvictory posted 11/2/2013 08:54 AM

thanks so much. Isn't it funny that I'm in such a state of self-reflection and self-work that I can't even trust and enjoy the good feelings?

I think I will enjoy this one. I feel a little sad that I needed others to tell me that it's ok to be happy about my weight loss, but I feel a pretty good boost right now, so I'll take it!

SisterMilkshake posted 11/2/2013 09:00 AM

I don't eat much, period. Before d-day, I didn't eat much. After d-day, yeah, I would gag trying to eat. Did I lose one fucking pound? Hells no! What is this infidelity diet that everyone else gets to lose weight on but not me? It would have been the one silver lining to this shitstorm that came into my life!

eachdayisvictory, I am glad the infidelity diet worked for you and you should enjoy the benefits of it. Now, the only thing unhealthy I can think about this is if you secretly want your WS to cheat on you so you can go on the infidelity diet again!

Fuck my cancerous thyroid that had to be removed and left me with no metabolism whatsoever.

eachdayisvictory posted 11/2/2013 09:04 AM

God, sistermilkshake, you make me laugh on here all the time! I think a cancerous thyroid survival should trump any good feeling I have about weightloss! You are a survivor in so many ways!

HardenMyHeart posted 11/2/2013 09:07 AM

My FWW was also heavy her whole life and suffered from many of the same negative feelings as you. She lost a lot more weight than you. Her sudden boost in self-esteem made her bold enough to turn her EA into a PA.

For her, she discovered it was not the weight that was causing her depression and self-esteem issues.

It's a good thing to be a normal weight for health issues, but if you become attached to your looks, then you are setting yourself up to suffer. Happiness comes from within. It has nothing to do with how much you weigh.

SisterMilkshake posted 11/2/2013 09:08 AM

eachdayisvictory posted 11/2/2013 09:11 AM

Thanks hardenmyheart, I think that's exactly what I was getting at. I don't want to take to much joy in my physical appearance, and I don't want to set up ANY circumstances that would prime me for my own foolish mistakes, like my H's A.

I appreciate that perspective a great deal. Thanks.

PrincessPeach06 posted 11/2/2013 09:35 AM

I lost 10 pounds after Dday which put me dangerously close to an underweight BMI but I have gained most of it back.

I lost 30 pounds after my last baby and it never affected me really. Both times my H lost weight he got mega attention resulting in both A's. I know this doesn't have a lot to do with anything but weight loss is a terrifying subject to me. lol

cantaccept posted 11/2/2013 10:30 AM

I also lost weight on the infidelity diet.

60lbs and still loosing.

I could not swallow anything but water for about 8 weeks. I tried to eat but I could not hold it down.

I had gained weight over the 2 years previous to a. I had knee damage and it was terrible, I could barely walk. I had always been very active and about a size 8. I had the worst body image and felt so weak and vulnerable. Then a and h left, I felt old, fat and done. I felt like my life was over, that there was nothing left.

I started exercising to relieve the stress. I didn't care about the pain, I almost welcomed it, it was a relief to focus on physical pain as opposed to the emotional.

I am now at about 120lbs. I feel like me, I feel strong, I can run (but shouldn't), I can do the things that make me happy, gardening, walking.

I take pleasure in buying clothes. I hated to before, I wouldn't even look in the mirror.

Vain? Shallow? Yes it is superficial but I recognize that there is so much more to me. Who I am, what I think, what I can do.

But if I can put on a dress and feel comfortable, feel good, not feel ashamed, I was ashamed of myself, I am going to enjoy it and not feel guilty. I have enough more important issues to deal with!

If this on small thing makes me feel good I am grateful for it.

ItsaClimb posted 11/2/2013 10:39 AM

I've thought about this a lot. I lost quite a lot of weight in the couple of months after D-Day and I loved it. I loved feeling slim and fitting into my daughter's clothes I loved when people told me how good I was looking...

What concerned me though is that I felt that I was beginning to enjoy (perhaps even rely on)to an unhealthy degree the ego-strokes when people commented on my weight loss. And also, I felt that I was relying on external validation - validation based on my looks, rather than who I am as a person. When I thought about it I realised that this was all rather wayward kind of thinking.... which horrified me, considering what I was learning about wayward thinking and the slippery slope it can lead to.

It was at that point that I lost a heck-load of hair (stress related hair loss brought on by the aftermath of D-Day, took 3 months or so to really kick-in) Well that kind of put paid to the vanity thing I had going In retrospect, now that my hair has grown back (thank heavens!) I am glad I lost my hair like that. It made me realise that external validation based on physical appearance is pretty much a crock of shit. We need to validate ourselves based on what goes on inside us (duh! I really DID know this, just lost sight of it for a while there!)

Having said that, enjoy your weight loss, just don't fall into the trap of relying on your appearance for self-validation. Rather become the best person you can be, who just also happens to have a hot bod!

eachdayisvictory posted 11/2/2013 11:08 AM

OK itsaclimb, I think you may have hit the nail on the head. That's exactly what I'm thinking/concerned about.

Even in trying to be honest here, I have hidden some information. Blargh! Guilt and shame!!

I find myself seeking out that external affirmation of my physical appearance when I'm approaching a low. I may even discover that I enjoy the excuse of feeling pity for myself in order to have some sort of 'permission' to go out and enjoy those attentions. When I enjoy the attention, I'm sure I'm giving out some kind of signal to the animal world. Something like, 'hey, yeah, you looking at me? I'm feeling shitty and you are checking me out? I can't be that bad, can I?"

I have to fight against that and find the peace in myself. I think the healthy parts I can take are like cantaccept said - I can enjoy shopping now like I haven't been able to for years! I can surprise myself when walking by a window by being pleased with my reflection. These are new feelings for me, and I just need to sort out what's healthy for me.

Thanks thanks thanks!!!

Dreamland posted 11/2/2013 11:32 AM

Hmm yes I too have lost weight but I had started prior to DDay. Docs orders. After DDay I just couldn't eat.. Total loss 80 pounds. But now that we are in a better place I have gained 5 pounds.. I found myself looking for fights so I could feel upset and angry as it motivated me to exercise more to release the stress. Now I just need to learn how to enjoy the running and control the foods I eat..
Enjoy your new found self..

sisoon posted 11/2/2013 11:50 AM


I can't see your thoughts and actions as unhealthy or detrimental in the long run. You sound pretty healthy to me, especially since you're facing these questions instead of ignoring them.

I think linking your self-esteem to your new body isn't a good idea. Your body will change. Somebody will always think you're hot (I like my W's looks at 68, but I'm 69), but in 20-30 years that's likely to be followed by 'for her age'.

You've accomplished a lot despite the stress of being betrayed. My wish for you is that now you'll link your self-esteem to the core 'you' that's loving, lovable, obviously capable, and human.

Your weight loss started in an unhealthy way. You're moving into the healthy column - just go all he way....

Right. Sometimes I can't resist a pun.

painfulpast posted 11/2/2013 12:07 PM

I find myself seeking out that external affirmation of my physical appearance when I'm approaching a low.

Recognizing this is almost all of the battle here.

This is a danger, but honestly, the blow to the self esteem was external, so a little external validation can't hurt. Seeking it? Might be dangerous, might not be.

Walking by a mirror and enjoying the view? Great!! That's a win, even though the path there was destructive.

The real issue is boundaries. Where are yours? Can you handle external validation and never go farther? Can you realize that you are far more that what one other person thinks of you?

One thing that is sexy as hell is self confidence. Not conceit, but confidence. So, if you go out and are checked out by a few men, and go home thinking "Man, I'm a catch and my H is a lucky guy!", well, that's probably a good thing. I'm sure it's better than going home thinking "My H had an affair because I'm ugly and fat and unlovable" because as much as the logical us knows that, the emotional one can take much, much longer to catch up.

You have recognized the danger. I have a feeling you'll be just fine with all of this. If you start feeling like you might want more, take a read in the WS forum. Read the horror at some of the actions being discussed. Remember how horrible you felt on DDay, and think of your H. None of that is anything anyone would wish for, and the few minutes of 'happiness' you would get would never, ever, make any of it worth it.

Marathonwaseasy posted 11/2/2013 12:35 PM

I was seriously obese a few years ago. I lost 140lbs and started running. I used to comfort eat. I started comfort eating again for no reason I could fathom last October. When the A started. I knew on some level. I put on about over 30lbs as a result. Since dday I've lost 15 lbs. I'm devastated but somehow I'm not eating which is not typical for me. I can't run though as I'm too exhausted and sad but at least when I start running again I will be faster than when I was carrying the extra pounds. Think as the A put the weight on I will be ok if the infidelity diet takes it back off.
I'm not bothered about the way I look. I'm gorgeous already. (I nearly believe that)

Undone1 posted 11/2/2013 14:44 PM

YEAH YOU!!!! Great topic!

You can look fabulous and still feel like crap inside. I know I lost weight on the infidelity diet too and enjoyed every moment of looking good. Sometimes, that's the only thing that kept me going!!! Having a rockin body is AWESOME!!!

Now that I am a year out, I have gained some of it back. Once my appetite came back, I started having a hard time maintaining the weight loss. I do notice that I am doing more emotional eating lately and started going to weight watchers to feel a sense of control over it. Although I am not overweight, I don't like the feeling of over eating because I feel bad at times.

This is a work in progress for me and I suspect for others as well.

bionicgal posted 11/2/2013 16:06 PM

I went from a size 16/18 to a 12 on the infidelity diet (I am fairly tall, so I am only a bit into the overweight category now.)

I seem to be holding steady, but have noticed that I have hit a weight where I get noticed now. At first this felt threatening, but I feel like I have solid boundaries. It is nice to be checked out for really the first time in 25 years, though. I try to not take it seriously, because relying on it for any type of self worth is a dangerous enterprise.

(I will say it has made sex way better, though!)

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