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Made a Decision but Need Help Sticking With it

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Ambermoon posted 11/2/2013 09:48 AM

I need help from anyone willing to keep me from going back. This was at the suggestion of my counselor.
She suggested I reach out when I am tempted to call him or let him back to people that will give me strength to stay away. I have one friend who is willing to help that I can call but she also gives me a lecture that I am foolish so I am less certain I will call her.
I am still filled with hurt, anger, confusion and pain but I know one thing for sure I DONT WANT TO LET HIM SLIP BACK IN MY LIFE.
He has not tried to contact me other than acting as if nothing was wrong and texting me late one night asking me bring him his heating pad because his back hurt. REALLY. You just ripped my world apart and he didn't acknoledge my pain... he didn't apologize. He ignored me and then asked me to do a favor for him like nothing has happened. My counselor thinks he is a sociopath...a person who is unable to love, a person who shows no remorse because they have no conscience and one who is very impulsive. I have read alot on this personlity disorder and was shocked that it did describe him to perfection. So I know there is no chance of working it out but that doesn't mean my heart still doesn't pull me towards him.And this is also very common in relationships with sociopaths.... it creates a betrayal bond. And I must break free.
Shifting the focus from him to myself has helped me tremendously but I notice I slip back into obsessing about him - how, why and wanting to either hurt him or get him back.
SO I am listing what I am doing to focus on myself and what I will do when i start to lose focus on myself.
I am going to remove all items belonging to him today from my home and throw them away.
I am going to rearrange my bedroom and get rid of his dresser and all of the empty things that once held his belongings.
I am going to start volunteer work in a local food pantry to keep myself from sitting home alone sad and to keep from developing bad habits like hanging at a bar to not feel sad and alone.
I am going to church tomorrow even though I have no religious beliefs at this point.
I am going to work hard at my job instead of doing my job half ass because I cry all day.
I am going to wear my favorite clothes to work and day to day.. the ones I saved for when we would do something special.
I am going to attend a codenpendcy 12 step group and reach out to those members often.
I am going to try to allow myself to feel the pain when it comes but not drown in it.
I am going to immediately call a friend or post here as soon as I start longing for him and wanting him back so I can be reminded of how lucky i am to be free of him.

I hope I can get the strength that I need here when I am weak.
I am still very very fragile. I walk around my house aimlessly crying and just wanting him to call. I need as much support as I can get to just make it through each day and I am thankful I have found some support here.

If anyone has any other suggestions on how I can keep myself away from him and my thoughts from wanting him then please share.

Chippednotbroken posted 11/2/2013 09:53 AM

You go Ambermoon! Good for you! Do everything you said. Keep busy. Think of this as saving yourself. There is no way to hurt a sociopath. So run and never look back. I admire your strength.

SerJR posted 11/2/2013 09:55 AM

Now that... is a plan!
The good thing about having a plan like this is, even if you don't "feel" it, by taking these steps you will rebuild your self esteem and you will start to feel it.
You don't need any strength from us. You just need to believe in your own.

doggiediva posted 11/2/2013 10:00 AM

I would also find the prettiest place possible where you can walk, run or sit and read, knit, etc.. Whenever you can, and when the thoughts about him start to bring you down, leave the house and go to this place....Sometimes we need to do things that are mindless and soothing in the fresh air..

If you like arts or crafts, get involved in taking a class ( beading, metal smithing, painting, etc )..Art may not be mindless but the work in creating it is soothing..

Last but not least, have you thought about taking a best friend or family member with you and going on a trip or a cruise when you can get time off from work?
Sending hugs and strength your way...

[This message edited by doggiediva at 10:07 AM, November 2nd (Saturday)]

millienotboo posted 11/2/2013 10:10 AM

Great list! The best part about this list is that you have a strong sense of identity. You may not always be perfect at it but you are keenly aware of a healthy happy you.
I know you're hurting now but your strength comes through and you will be so much better soon.... are WAY too good for him!

Ambermoon posted 11/2/2013 10:17 AM

Thank you for your encouragement.
Here is my biggest fear. He has hurt me deeply before.... not by cheating but other behavior. I have actually stayed away from him for 2 months and just when I am feeling strong and a bit better... I call him. EVERY TIME. It is like once I am on the road to regaining my sense of self and my strength I think I can be with him without losing myself. I thing I can handle things differently and make it work.
I must make sure I don't follow the pattern that has become my life with him and reach out to him once I get in a good place. He knows this about me too and I feel him waiting.....
I don't understand why I do this to myself.... and my biggest fear is that I will do it again. At first I almost didn't want to take action to feel better because I always call him when I do. I wanted to prolong my misery to ensure I would stay away but I cannot function holding on to the hurt. Has anyone ever found themselves doing what I have been doing?

Chippednotbroken posted 11/2/2013 11:21 AM

Yes. Can you delete his number from your phone and block his number? I'm assuming you have no pressing need to communicate. Just go full no contact. Let yourself think, and be calm, you might find the serenity more intoxicating than he ever was.

Getting to Happy posted 11/2/2013 11:43 AM

Let yourself think, and be calm, you might find the serenity more intoxicating than he ever was.


Stay strong Sister Ambermoon. You are on the right tract.

You already know his MO! What a jerky guy!

Jerky Guy~ "I know Ambermoon is weak and can't live without my awesome asshole-ness so I will wait her out...Hummm...lets see, it was 2 months last time. I'll start 'hoovering' her around Xmas and maybe I'll 'get lucky' on NYE!" UGH

Drop him like the bad habit he is!

Delete, detach and block him.

Also let your friends know that you are not interested in updates about said jerky guy!

Because the opposite of love is not hate. It's indifference!

Ditch HIM!

nestlee posted 11/2/2013 12:26 PM

Every time you feel the need to call him. Just stop and think about all the negative crap he did. Think about all the lies he told. Think about all hurt he caused you. Get mad. Keep telling your self.. He don't deserve you. Because he really doesn't. Know your worth. U can do it..

Ambermoon posted 11/3/2013 09:52 AM

Thank you!
I deleted his number from my phone. It was SO HARD to do and I know now that I was just waiting for the perfect excuse to reach out to him or why else would I need that number?
Goodbye to you.

I am not saying this is easy. I still want him.... I hate to admit this but I do. I am doing my best to stay busy and trying to figure out who I am without him. I am trying to remember all of the pain and hurt so I don't want him.

One good thing is I am finding is that I am not strugglign to get through each moment but now maybe each hour? That is progress I guess.

Amber1818 posted 11/3/2013 09:59 AM

oh god.. i know how this feels. right now, i always have the temptation to mssg him and call him, just to hear his voice again. But whenever that happens, i try to play games, watch really addictive series to help me cope.. try that. it might work. =)

gonnabe2016 posted 11/3/2013 10:16 AM

Here's a bit of empowerment for ya, Moon......

NoAnswers37 posted 11/3/2013 13:54 PM

Yey, go Amber!!

You can do this , girl! We are all here for you if you have a bit of a wobble, but I think you'll smash it this time

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