Okay, I can't let this go without an answer. Yesterday was the one year anniversary of my D-Day, though my ex wife said she wasn't sleeping with him but was going to if I didn't stop her. Pretty sick huh? Later, the day before the divorce she decides to tell me the affair had gone on well before I knew. Duh. Like I didn't figure that out. So, it only takes me once to get on with my life. I don't need a baseball hat to the head to get it, and neither do you. When someone, anyone, no matter who they are, tells you, "I don't love you anymore, I want a divorce" you calmly walk into your lawyers office, and beat the piss out of them in court, then get happy quick. You didn't do this. You aren't at fault. There is nothing wrong with you. The problem is him and he can't face it. I know EXACTLY what you're feeling right now. You have no idea at this moment, but when you start looking back you will realize how he gaslighted you, made your head spin, and demolished you emotionally even before you knew about the affair. TRUST ME!
The best thing you can do is use reality to wake him up. That's no joke. An affair is a fantasy that pig headed narcissists use to escape their reality. It's easier than facing their spouse and doing the hard work to save their marriage...AND...these people have a way of taking the easy way out, in everything they do. I 100% guarantee you in the next few months you will uncover so much you never knew about him, it's not even funny.
Take your personal power back. He will see it as a strength and it will break his fantasy wide open.
So here's your steps for the next 2 weeks, and feel free to share with your counselor, I doubt she'll disagree.
1. Do not under any circumstances talk to him. Avoid him at all costs. If he's in the same house, find a room for yourself. If he knocks on the door simply say, "I cannot be bothered now." When you have rage or anger, write it in a journal that he can never see. Like a phone note or something. Then burn the pages. Or delete. Leave no evidence. And once you're done writing it out, let it go.
2. Hard as this is, focus all your energy and free time on your kids. Dad's the screw up here, not Mom. They will pick up real quickly on who has their back. In fact, now's the time to start telling your kids, "no matter what the future holds, I will always have your back and I will always love you. You are my priority in anything I do."
3. Make an appointment with a lawyer. Go see one, ASAP. DO NOT TELL YOUR HUSBAND. Tell them you want everything, and to beat him senseless. Another very smart thing to do is talk with friends, we all have them, and some are very tied into the community. If you know, for instance, your local prosecutor, ask him who the best defense attorney is. Go to see them first and tell them you want to use them, but you've already made a few consultations with others, so start the paper work, while you talk to others.
4. Make appointments with every attorney you can in the next 3 weeks. Tell them your story. Ask for priveledge. Tell them you are considering using them in the divorce. 90% of them have first free consultations. This is called Lawyer shopping and it will make it darn near impossible for him to find a good attorney.
5. Make a weekend planner. Next weekend you should have every thing written out that you will be doing. Going out to breakfast, spending the day at the park with the kids, whatever. Do anything to be away from the house with the kids and unavailable. Do not answer the phone or texts, unless it's "are the kids with you", then you say, "yes" and that's it!
6. Document EVERYTHING. Do not have your documentation available to him. He's lived in secret, now you do it. If he says he hates you, document. If he says the kids made him go crazy, document. I found texting notes to my work email, then sending weekly word documents to my attorney worked well.
7. Split the bank account. Do it monday. If you have direct deposit to your checking, change it to a new bank in your name only. Assume that he's going to rip you off and use your money to fund his new life. He no longer cares, so you have to defend yourself.
8. Cancel all your credit cards. Do it today. Don't waste time and don't listen if they offer you lower rates. In fact, let them take the penalties on you. If cards are in both your names, just ask them to take your name off the card.
9. Do not, under any circumstance, pay for anything that is only in his name, and do not give him any cash. Tell him if he wants money he can go to the other woman. She's his priority, not you. Again, this is to shove the fantasy in his face and wake him up.
10. You have one job for the next year. It's to nail his ass in court. Seriously. Even if you reconcile, you need to get your ducks in a row right now. You will have to make the decision if he's sincere when he breaks it off with OW. And he will. But, I caution you, do not pay one bit of attention to his words. It's how he uses you. He's a liar. You know that now. What you must do is watch his actions. If he breaks up with her, then comes back, set down all the criteria. Tell him he has 4 months to do X, 5 to do Y, and he will agree to a laundry list of things. He will do them until you change your mind and readjust. You are in control. 100%
Cash is your friend. Don't write a lot of checks. ATM withdrawels are a wonderful thing. Start socking away 50 bucks a pay and throw it in your box of old shoes in the attic where he hasn't been in 5 years. Then start hiding shit. Drives them crazy. Sell stuff on Craigslist. You're married, so you need the money, sell it off.
All this said, you need to take these steps even if you decide you want to reconcile. Figure this out quick. He is already planning his escape, just like my ex-wife. So I let her screw up. After a month I finally figured out how scramble brained she was. Don't assume your husband is that dumb. He's already hid money.
If you have visions in your head of the two of them together, remember they are your visions. Yours. Change the channel. Make the visions brown or green. Make their faces purple or stretch them into super tall goofy people. It's a sufi mind trick. In three weeks if you do this every day, you won't have the visions, just the anger from the betrayal.
Finally, do yourself a solid. Eat. Force yourself. Everything tastes like chalk, but do it anyhow. Sleep. Seriously. You have to. I suggest you find some calming jazz. I used Pat Metheney to go to sleep. Put it on the IPod, then focused all my energy on the songs, exhaustion took over and I slept.
Good luck. If you need any other tips, let me know. You are a stealth fighter now. Tell him nothing. Beat the hell out of him. And if he wakes up and wants you back, then go from there. Have a plan Ms. Don't be the victim here, be the victor, regardless of whether you take him back.