Go read up on 180. Then put it into practice.
That way, even if the "inevitable" (as you put it) happens, you are OK with yourself.
Good wishes sent!
Have you looked through the Healing Library? The link's in the yellow box, upper left of SI pages. Start with BS FAQs, if you haven't done that already.
My approach was to set some requirements for R. After experiencing 3 months of consistent R behavior from my W, I committed to R myself. My reqs were NC (and changing phone number), IC for my W, MC, honesty (answering questions, etc.), transparency (I knew where my W was and who she was with at all times), and a bunch of things amounting to showing she really want me.
If this approach seems useful for you, what are your requirements? Have you laid them out for your H? What has he said?
I insisted on IC for my W & MC for a couple of reasons. The C helped her 'get it'. The C also helped keep her sane during the weeks of my intense questioning and doubt - the C knew my behavior was one normal way BSes act, and that helped my W endure it. More important, her C confronts her bullshit - stuff like wanting to be trusted immediately.
Bottom line: you sound normal and perhaps even on the strong side, given the sitch you're in. The point of being normal when you're in such pain is that this stage is followed by healing. You will feel better, not immediately, but it is coming.
Your emotions are going to run very high on the first antiversary. It's natural. I am NOT invalidating your issues. Your H sounds like he doesn't 'get it' and wants to rugsweep. He probably feels like he has 'paid enough, and now it's time to move on' as if this is a crime and punishment issue, and not a process of healing. I know how painful that can be, because he is basically saying your pain is now your own because in his eyes it's over. He's not interested in your pain, only in his life moving on. That hurts, a lot. It's a second blow that says you aren't important.
I point out the antiversary issue because it can absolutely cloud your judgement. Maybe ending it is the right option - that is your decision. But please know that this is a time when the A is going to take center stage for you, again.
I'm so sorry you are hurting today. Try to relax and find something to take your mind off of everything. A favorite movie, some activities with the kids maybe?
[This message edited by Newme123 at 1:13 PM, November 2nd (Saturday)]
I thought I had stopped pretending. I was wrong.
Me- BS 41
Him- WS 38 and STBX
2 DS- 15 and 16
DDay 1- 07-24-2013
DDay 2: EA w/CoW, 06-15-2017