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I'm so lost

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Newme123 posted 11/2/2013 11:17 AM

I just feel so lost right now! I love him, I hate him! I'm so angry. I don't know what we are doing. 95% of the time I feel like we're just prolonging the inevitable( D) by staying together. I don't know if what I want/ need is unreasonable or what he should be doing. I know he says he's sorry, he hates himself for what he did and he says he deals with it every day. But I don't see it. He seems just fine to me. Happy, normal, only says "I'm sorry" when he can tell I'm sad. He never elaborates just I'm sorry. I'll even say for what and he replys everything. He promised he would make me coffee in bed every morning to show he loves me. He doesn't do that anymore. I used to ask for a wek or so, if he'd get my coffee and he would but it didn't sink in. " hey I made her a promise and not following through! He helps with the kids more than before but that's it. No helping around the house. He won't talk about the cheating. He gets angry when I bring it up, says I'm beating him over the head with it. Says he can't put up with any more. As I wrote this it's making sense. He doesn't get it and isn't interested in helping me heal. He gets upset when I look through his phone. He lets me do it but says he is upset because I'm looking for something instead of trusting him. Well no shit Sherlock, youre a liar and cheater!! I'm just so angry that he did what he did and now I'm the one that has to decide to divorce or not. Either I divorce and hurt our 4 children or I stay and sacrifice myself. I just feel so lost. Even our mc told me when will enough of what he does be enough? I just don't know. On one hand I feel what I want is unreasonable but it's still what I want. I want romance. I want him to bend over backwards to do whatever he can to show he loves me, cares about what he has done to destroy us. I don't know what to do. I want to tell him to move out but it's the holidays and I don't want to ruin that for the kids!! Agh then I'm back to hating him for making his dick more important than his own children!!!

justjim posted 11/2/2013 11:30 AM

Do yourself a favor:

Go read up on 180. Then put it into practice.

That way, even if the "inevitable" (as you put it) happens, you are OK with yourself.

Good wishes sent!

sisoon posted 11/2/2013 12:07 PM

Do you know what you want to do, or are you still on the fence? Or do you want to R and see it's impossible right now, because your H doesn't get it?

Have you looked through the Healing Library? The link's in the yellow box, upper left of SI pages. Start with BS FAQs, if you haven't done that already.

My approach was to set some requirements for R. After experiencing 3 months of consistent R behavior from my W, I committed to R myself. My reqs were NC (and changing phone number), IC for my W, MC, honesty (answering questions, etc.), transparency (I knew where my W was and who she was with at all times), and a bunch of things amounting to showing she really want me.

If this approach seems useful for you, what are your requirements? Have you laid them out for your H? What has he said?

I insisted on IC for my W & MC for a couple of reasons. The C helped her 'get it'. The C also helped keep her sane during the weeks of my intense questioning and doubt - the C knew my behavior was one normal way BSes act, and that helped my W endure it. More important, her C confronts her bullshit - stuff like wanting to be trusted immediately.

Bottom line: you sound normal and perhaps even on the strong side, given the sitch you're in. The point of being normal when you're in such pain is that this stage is followed by healing. You will feel better, not immediately, but it is coming.

painfulpast posted 11/2/2013 12:23 PM

Hi Newme, I just read your profile. You're in a very rough period right now - you were TT'd for about a week, and this is the anniversary of that week.


Your emotions are going to run very high on the first antiversary. It's natural. I am NOT invalidating your issues. Your H sounds like he doesn't 'get it' and wants to rugsweep. He probably feels like he has 'paid enough, and now it's time to move on' as if this is a crime and punishment issue, and not a process of healing. I know how painful that can be, because he is basically saying your pain is now your own because in his eyes it's over. He's not interested in your pain, only in his life moving on. That hurts, a lot. It's a second blow that says you aren't important.

I point out the antiversary issue because it can absolutely cloud your judgement. Maybe ending it is the right option - that is your decision. But please know that this is a time when the A is going to take center stage for you, again.

I'm so sorry you are hurting today. Try to relax and find something to take your mind off of everything. A favorite movie, some activities with the kids maybe?

Newme123 posted 11/2/2013 13:06 PM

Sisoon what does it mean exactly to commit to recovery. What does that look like? I guess that's what I don't understand. Because these were ons, and happened years ago, most questions I have asked are met with "I don't remember". I showed him Jason's letter I think it was called and he got mad, said that it was in accurate because he didn't have all the pieces to the puzzle either so how could be give them to me. I showed him what every ws should know post and again he got mad asking " are you saying I'm not doing these". My reply was if you were, would you be responding the way you are right now? For the first 6or 7 months after d day I raged, I yelled I called him everything I could things I've never said before, I became physically abusive. I'm not proud of that in fact I'm in shock that I could behave that way and I have stopped. I don't rage or even yell. Painfulpast, you are absolutely correct. He feels this is crime and punishment and he has paid. His past is almost all FOO reasons and mommy issues to be in fact. From a very early age he didn't just get in trouble. His mom would give hours long lectures on how he has wronged her and wronged god by his misconduct. He learned from a very early age to lie and hide his bad side so he didn't get in trouble and in turn didn't feel what a horrible human being he is. He still compartmentalizations his cheating so he doesn't have to think about it and therefore doesn't have to hear his inner voice who hates himself. Does that make sense? I know he loves me and is committed because he stayed and endured all my abuse. now that I'm not holding it over his head and punishing him anymore he wants to move on and rug sweep not talk about or speak of the past. He just says, think of our future because that's all we have. He's right in a sense but I'm just not ready to move on. Our mc did explain this to him that this is the process of grieving and that some days are bad and he com to hug/ assure me. He thought that should be all I needed and then could move on. She explained it's not. It helps me feel better at the moment and that tomorrow the sadness will return and he needs to hug/ reassure me again.
I want to R. I want to be with him, I just don't know how to get past this or if I ever will. I read on here about those 5,6,7 years out and their ws's A is still a daily intrusive thought. I can't live like that! I want to move on from this but I feel there are still things left unanswered for me and I will never get the answers because he says he has already told me everything he can. Part of me believes him but the other part says he didn't really forget. For instance the last ons he had the ow called him about a month later when he was at dri and was outside his friends apartments wanting to talk to him. He says he went down and he remembers giving he a hug but says he doesn't remember what she wanted. He thinks she wanted to tell him goodbye as we were moving from Nebraska to Texas the next month. But how can he not remember what she wanted? What was said between the 2? I think I need to say, I'll give it 2 years and if I still feel lost, I will call it quits. I can't live feeling like this for the rest of my life. I need to move on and I don't know if I can do that and stay married to him at the same time.

[This message edited by Newme123 at 1:13 PM, November 2nd (Saturday)]

TheAmazingWondertwin posted 11/2/2013 13:41 PM

I am about to make this sound a whole lot easier than it actually is. And I acknowledge that, so take it for what it's worth.
It pains me to hear you say that you feel like you need to make the decision about D or not. Take that off of your plate right now.
You are not getting what you need to heal. This isn't about him and what he thinks you should need. It's your healing process from countless wounds that he inflicted. You are the only one that can decide when you have enough.
I suggest writing down what you need from him and what you need to feel (emotionally) in order to stay and believe that it can work. It can be questions you need answered, t can be an open ended allowance to ask questions forever if need be, it can be coffee every morning or hugs every night- tell him what you need and what you are not getting.
Tell him it is non negotiable ad you will ok longer allow him to dictate what you should be doing or not. You are in charge and it is up to HIM wether you stay or not.
I had a few and I was very clear - just a few examples- NC was HUGE for me. And, he needs To answer any question I have, whenever I have it with complete honesty and no heavy sighs or eye rolling FOR AS LONG AS I NEED TO ASK THEM. There is no time limit.
He agreed, and so far he is keeping up his end of the deal. I told him I didn't want to make him leave, I was willing to work in R, but it had to be on my terms. I would be heartbroken if he left, but I would be okay. Once I said that, and showed him I meant it, he was on board.
Pardon my intrusion, but HOW DARE HE MAKE YOU FEEL BAD FOR NEEDING ANSWERS. And how dare he mock your strategies (the letter).
Please do not allow him to make you feel bad or guilty or crazy for needing things from him.
I would definitely read up on 180. And I would try to find the strength to understand that it is his turn to earn you back. He can either meet your requirements, or he can walk away. His choices got him here, his choices can decide if he stays or not. That is not on you.
I wish you only the best. And peace. I truly wish you peace.

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