I had brought up the idea of making a relationship contract to him today. He just seemed annoyed at the idea. He stated it was useless and wouldn't do anything.
His reasoning being that "a slip of paper" wouldn't stop me. "The ring I got you obviously didn't. Why would a paper?" Ouch. Okay, I deserved that. He had gotten me a ring to show his love for me, before I cheated on him again. Understandable.
He said that no "ritual" will make it any better. He did say he'd do it if it'd make me feel better. I don't want to do it for me, but for us. I wanted him to have an opportunity to set his rules and I abide by them. Besides, I can't just "feel better" knowing he's in pain.
We didn't end out conversation on a sour note at least. I just said I'd bring it up with my counselor and see what she thinks. We agreed.
Is a contract mandatory to an R? If he doesn't want to do it, I want to respect his wishes and not pester him about it. I just have looming thoughts that if I don't do x, y, and z, I could lose him.
How can I show him I'm serious about R, and that I want to leave no stone unturned through this process?
I thought I had stopped pretending. I was wrong.
Me- BS 41
Him- WS 38 and STBX
2 DS- 15 and 16
DDay 1- 07-24-2013
DDay 2: EA w/CoW, 06-15-2017
I'll give him some space to decide for himself. Perhaps I should do one for myself?
I don't know when DDay #2 was, but I would simply continue to be there, to listen to him, to try to decide what will make him feel better, and do that. I wouldn't suggest anything that reaffirms your relationship, because those are words, and they can be broken. I would try to reaffirm your love for him, and unfortunately, after 2 DDays, that's going to have to be with actions and nothing to do with words.
Just my 2 cents. I hope you find a way to make it work. He can't make you feel better. That needs to be your doing. I hope you're able to do that.
You haven't had time to heal or fix your issues. You still are not a safe choice for him.
If I were you I would plant my ass in IC and figure out what is broken in you and how you can address it.
While you are working on yourself I would.
#1 Be completely transparent
give all passwords, facebook, email, phone etc
#2 Let him know where you are and what you are doing. Don't deviate from your plans without checking in with him.
#3 Answer all questions, until he is done asking, and if he desn't ask, offer...tell him you are there and willing to talk about your A(s)
#4 plan things for the two of you to do together, no pressure things. A lunch, movie
#5 Examine your friends and de-friend those who accept wayward behavior in their lives. Reevaluate your other relationships. Define who are friends of the relationship and who are not
There are plenty more, you need actions, repetetive consistent actions over a long period of time before he can even begin to really want to decide if you are going to be a safe person to hold his heart again.
Asking how to do it is the first step, but it takes a long long time.
[This message edited by karmahappens at 4:18 PM, November 2nd (Saturday)]
Got a personal counselor. It's just that the week gap between these sessions feels so far away.
He has access to anything and everything of any accounts I have. My phone is unlocked and I'm not ashamed to show him any of my texts. Sometimes he'll ask what I'm typing (such as me making a post here), and I'll show him.
I usually don't leave the house without him, save for work. I want to let him know what's up. If I do go somewhere, say the grocery store, I ask invite him to go with.
He hasn't asked much recently in the way of questions, but after reading this, I did ask him if he had any questions. He said no, so I just told him if he does to please ask me.
And...friends. Even before confessing to him, I made a vow to myself to not get too friendly with coworkers, male or female. As it stands right now, all of my friends are mutual friends to him. Given I assume he trusts them, I can rest easy on this part. I had the benefit of moving half way across the country, essentially leaving everything behind, including friends.
But thanks for the responses. I realize now that I was kind of silly. I just need to not rush this so much is all. If he wants one, he'll come around. But much, much later.