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Spelljean posted 11/2/2013 15:22 PM

A couple of months back when I came across fresh emails between WH and OW, right about the time he was promising me the world, I basically collapsed and my heart arrythmia triggered. My DD was there, as she lives with me, and she helped me, got me my meds and we got it to abort and I was fine. She saw the emails because my computer was open and she wanted to see if I had received more bad news or something and I was in no state to speak yet.

WH knows she read them, (she is 18) and still blames me for that. He said "you should have never let her read them". I got angry and said "you should never have typed them"

Why am I more guilty that DD read his cheating in black and white...rather than the fact that he was doing something that was hurting both DD and I? Why do they think we would not be hurt if we didn't find out??

painfulpast posted 11/2/2013 15:27 PM

OMG. You aren't more guilty. You aren't guilty. Like you said, he shouldn't have written them. Never do anything that you wouldn't want others seeing. It's a simple rule that will always keep you out of trouble.

He's just feeling like a POS because his daughter saw the 'real' him and it isn't who he was pretending to be for her. Sorry - his cover was blown for more than just you. Oh well.

heforgotme posted 11/2/2013 15:34 PM

I got angry and said "you should never have typed them"

Exactly. What a shame there was anything for her to find out. That's what he needs to focus on. Not how she found out. (Which in any case was an accident...)

DeadMumWalking posted 11/2/2013 16:22 PM

Well if he hadn't typed that shit, there would be nothing for him to be embarrassed about or DD (and you) to be upset about.

What a fucking moron!!

((((Spelljean))))

Spelljean posted 11/2/2013 17:46 PM

WH believes what you don't know won't hurt you.

Maybe lots of WS believe this.

I was being hurt long before finding out the truth. He doesn't think I felt his shift in loyalties, his lies, his attitude changes, his deceit way before I found out?

Having a down day as you can tell!

EasyDoesIt posted 11/2/2013 17:46 PM

Yeah, tell him to remember that while he's pointing one finger at you, he still has three pointing right back at him.

You did nothing wrong. If he hadn't been unfaithful, there wouldn't be emails for your daughter to see.

He should be mad at himself, not you. He isn't owning his behavior if he's blaming you.

My ex was mad that I told the ER staff exactly what he did to me. He literally yelled at me, "Why didn't you just tell them it was rough sex?"

Yeah. It was all MY fault.

[This message edited by EasyDoesIt at 5:55 PM, November 2nd (Saturday)]

Spelljean posted 11/2/2013 20:01 PM

Owning his behavior...he definitely still hasn't done that.

I was thinking today how great it would be if just once, WH said that even though I am divorcing him, he is truly sorry and was wrong. And meant it. That he was wrong to cast me in a certain light to OW and that he set the record straight with her....and his friends. Out of respect for me, all I have done for him over the course of our life together, out of appreciation for being a wonderful mother to his daughter, a great daughter in law to his parents...and a giving person that deserves at least a thank you.

LeopoldB posted 11/2/2013 20:35 PM

If WH wanted DD to think he was a saint, he should have acted like one.

RightTrack posted 11/2/2013 21:16 PM

Spelljean,

RightTrack posted 11/2/2013 21:20 PM

I know how easy it is to get sucked in to this controlling attitude. Because he says you did something wrong and because he says it with so much conviction, it must be true. Read and re-read the comments here, talk to your friends and family; you have done NOTHING to deserve this. He is a controlling liar, bastard, terrible father and husband. Letting your daughter see that this behavior is not acceptable is important. It is good to let her know that being on your own is better than being in a controlling marriage. I hope that in the future you find someone who makes you happy and you can model a healthy relationship.

Gemini71 posted 11/2/2013 22:05 PM

Excuse me???!!!! It is NOT your fault that DD read the e-mails. You were physically incapacitated because of HIS friggin' affair!!!

This is HIS fault. He wrote them. He sent them. He must OWN them.

gonnabe2016 posted 11/2/2013 22:27 PM

Yea SJ, it makes total sense that, in the middle of a medical crisis, you should have had the wherewithal to *protect* him.

I *get* the whole 'what you don't know doesn't hurt you' attitude. My stbx is the same way. It's never his actions that are *wrong*....it's always the fall-out from them that are the cause of the problem.

His *upset* is not your concern.....

Spelljean posted 11/3/2013 00:06 AM

DD says she is glad she knows those details now, she wants to know what happened . Maybe it demystifies it all for her.

gonnabe2016 posted 11/3/2013 00:34 AM

That makes sense. Kids know when something isn't *right*. And they really aren't all that *down with* the parents that placate them with the typical platitudes. Your DD may be upset by her new-found information but she is probably a bit more light-hearted about finally knowing the *truth* of the situation.

RippedSoul posted 11/3/2013 09:15 AM

Spelljean, my DD found out at 17. As much as it hurt her, it clarified so much for her. She even knew OW's name because she'd seen SAWH texting OW while sitting next to him at church. She hasn't confronted him yet. When she does, no matter how she found out, it will be his fault that there was anything TO find out. No guilt for me. No guilt for you.

Spelljean posted 11/3/2013 09:19 AM

Shocking behavior I'm reading about here.

I remember when WH found out she read those emails and he felt the burning need t have a "talk" with DD and explain his side of the story. That was when he told her, "OW and I had a REAL relationship" as though that was DD's concern in the situation. Kids just want you to stop the bad behavior towards the BS, they are action oriented even more than adults, I've discovered. DD didn't want to know what WW was "feeling" for OW. She just wanted the bad behavior to stop.

Yeah, he messed up there in that talk. He really hasn't gotten one tiny thing right in this aftermath.

DeadMumWalking posted 11/3/2013 09:34 AM

That was when he told her, "OW and I had a REAL relationship"

What a fucking asshole

((((Spelljean & DD))))

sparkysable posted 11/3/2013 09:37 AM

well, if there was nothing for her to read, than we wouldn't be having these problems, would we?

hand him a broom and let him rugsweep his own shit. he is obviously blameshifting. do not feel bad, she has a right to know, and she's old enough to understand.

heforgotme posted 11/3/2013 13:23 PM

"OW and I had a REAL relationship"

Omg.

What an idiot.