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Struggling today - a little whiney

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cayc posted 11/2/2013 15:45 PM

So the past few weeks have been ... different. I left (x)SO twisting in the wind for a week before I finally responded to him. I told him I wanted to talk. He responded with "how do I show you I am sorry and how wrong I was, I know words are useless." Nice touch that "show" huh.

And honestly, I'm not sure. Thanks to the reasons that brought me to SI, you can show me until the cows come home and I'm still going to think tomorrow it's going to be different. In fact you don't have to do anything wrong and I'm still catastrophizing.

We haven't talked yet. Just casual messages to touch base. I really need to call him today and hash this out.

I've been chatting with multiple friends and so of course, my head is full of advice. Some advise work it out. Some advise break up. Some say, ask for a break. My head is so cluttered that I don't know what to do.

This isn't my focus. I have a work thing that's dominating so I don't mean to imply that I've been sitting around stewing about this. In fact, in contrast to my normal MO, I've been calm and dare I say it rather positive and happy. I gots shit going on lol.

But I have to deal with this today and I'm frightened. I'm having to face that I don't know how to make a decision. I just don't.

Williesmom posted 11/2/2013 16:10 PM

What is there to deal with? We women always want closure, but in this case.... I think you need to walk while he is the john woo movie that implodes.

He can't change his stripes. I see this as an abuse thing where he suckers you back in, but the abuse is worse next time.

((Cayc)). Let us know what happens.

fraeuken posted 11/2/2013 16:40 PM

No advice, just letting you know you are heard and have a soul sister out here struggling right along with you.

cayc posted 11/2/2013 17:13 PM

Ah ... I don't want closure. I want to break up. Except I don't. Unless you tell me I should, then I do. Unless you tell me I shouldn't and then I don't. Sigh.

nutmegkitty posted 11/2/2013 17:24 PM

Sending you strength to make the best decision for you cayc.

nowiknow23 posted 11/2/2013 17:50 PM


Honey - my advice to you is to go back and reread your posts about the incident. Not any of the other responses - just your posts. I think you'll find your answers in your own words.

Sending you strength.

Must Survive posted 11/2/2013 18:02 PM


I have always told my girlfriends, and now me;

You can't find the Mr. Right if you are with Mr. Wrong.

And of course if it is hard in the beginning, think how hard it will be when the shine has worn off.

If it were me I would be heading for the hills, not looking back.

Williesmom posted 11/2/2013 19:23 PM

I hear you ,sister. I can't tell you what to do.

But I think that you shouldn't sell yourself short- whichever path you choose.

gonnabe2016 posted 11/2/2013 22:55 PM

I want to break up. Except I don't. Unless you tell me I should, then I do. Unless you tell me I shouldn't and then I don't. Sigh

CC, don't go back for round #umpeenth of 'abuse' from this guy.

He can go to about 2 months of 'anger management' therapy then show you the certificate and tell you exactly *why* he was a douche in all of those previous instances and, just then, *maybe* you'll consider giving him the time of day again. This guy crossed WAY over the line with you. He 'touched the butt' (as is said in *Nemo-land*). Do not pass go. Do not collect $200.

And by the way....."what are your plans for repayment of that money I gave you, dude?"

ProbableIceCream posted 11/3/2013 09:51 AM

I vote for break up based on what I've read. It'll hurt more in the short term but less in the long term.

But that's "just, like, my opinion, man.." You know more about your situation than I do.

missherlots posted 11/3/2013 10:08 AM

Dear Cayc,

Have you had the chance to sit on it. to think and feel what it is to be resolved.

I would sit in a quiet place, think about it and feel it in my heart and body and follow the feelings then feel them again, let them change and feel them again. Let the stories, past experiences, memories, thoughts, aside. Just feel them tehn and there. it will tell you what you should or shouldnt do.

to much information from the outside clotter our senses, someone else's stories are different than our life because of believes, religion etc, you get it?

I dont say "you need a closure or break up, unless you do or dont."

What I am saying is that allow your insight to decide what to do based on your whole being.
at this point, you are conditioned to do something, but I am not sure if the internal struggle is cause by you or the outside influence.
PLEASE, sit for as long as you need and let your being advice you on the next step and then and only then you will be able to be certain that you did what you did with your soul and flesh together.

whatever you do, have compassion and love for you and your xSO always. Use kind, non offensive or blaming words. Remember we all have something to suffer about, all the time. You might not see it but it is there. his behavior is not to hurt you, but it is because he is broken inside. please undertand that.

You may have wisdom to choose your path.

you may have love and compassion for yourself always.

my two cents

notmeanymore posted 11/3/2013 10:18 AM

I found myself repeatedly going back into an emotionally/verbally abusive relationship for about 3 years.

Part of my issue was I liked the "nice" parts of the relationship. And I'm very self-aware and try to see what *I'm* doing wrong when things go awry. And when we would break up he was the nicest guy ever. Even started therapy at one point.

I let him convince and guilt trip me into trying and trying and trying. And when I finally had enough, well, I've never felt better.

Sometimes you need to just get to that point and maybe you're not there yet. But given what you've told us, it sounds like it is only a matter of time.

Will you be mad that you invested that time?

persevere posted 11/3/2013 14:42 PM

Just ((Hugs)) cayc. You've gotten some good advice and I'm thinking of you today.

cayc posted 11/3/2013 19:39 PM

Well I did it. It was a heart wrenching conversation. He was awesome about it too in so far as he accepted what I was saying. And didn't try to pressure or manipulate me into changing my mind. He told me he was ashamed. And some other things.

It was such a nice conversation that of course it reinforced why I care for him so deeply. But I told him that if we didn't take some time apart, if he didn't do what he needed to do to be able to calm himself down mentally and not feel like his back was up against the wall, then we'd both fall right back into lovey dovey talk until it happened again.

In truth, I suspect we aren't done for good. But we're definitely done for right now. A special person in my life helped me to see that. That now and the future are different. And you can lessen the fear of the future by allowing yourself set another person free to do what they need to do.

I don't feel good right now. I feel resigned. As in it had to be done. Life has been surprising me a hell of a lot the last few years. I suppose I better get it in gear to be surprised again soon.

BrokenDaisy posted 11/3/2013 23:47 PM

(((Cyac))) I rarely post because I don't feel wise enough to offer advice but I did want to offer an internet hug and some support. I'm sure it was hard but sounds like you did the right thing for you. Good luck!

cayc posted 11/4/2013 07:06 AM

Bleach. This feels like crap.

Williesmom posted 11/4/2013 07:56 AM


nowiknow23 posted 11/4/2013 08:11 AM


cayc posted 11/4/2013 09:56 AM

I swear this doesn't feel right. It just doesn't. After all, why would he do anything to fix anything if I can just leave him? It's not much incentive.

I'm all confused in my head at the moment. Obviously lol.

nowiknow23 posted 11/4/2013 10:02 AM

Honey - why would he do anything to fix anything if you just stay?


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