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Sadly, I just returned from a meeting with him where I asked him to be truthful and tell me all. He refused, said he did not see the point, and for me to turn into the vindictive bitch he knew I would turn into eventually. He said you obviously know everything and if you would have spent the last two weeks working on yourself instead of investigating me, I would have seen the "change in you I have been asking for" and we would be starting a reconciliation. He told me he is removing me from all the joint charge cards and to get my own card. That he was retaining a lawyer and that we need to sell the house. That once he had a settlement proposal he would contact me and I can decide which path to travel. He says that once I see what I will get in settlement he is confident that I will just walk. I told him that I was committed to our marriage and that I would like us to try a MC. He thinks that they will focus on his affair and not on our marriage so he is not interested. I told him that it is not possible to work on our marriage while he is still in a relationship with the OW. He said, I really left you in August not October so my relationship with her is not impacting our marriage. So please someone tell me where do I go from here?

[This message edited by ruby44 at 4:50 PM, November 2nd (Saturday)]

((ruby44))

I am so sorry. At this point, you need to focus and protect yourself. WH is sending a clear message that he is not going to R and is looking to move on. Retain your own lawyer, a specialist in family law who will help you deal with the legal side of this. Start gathering information for your lawyer~photocopy all house documentation (mortgage payout statements, purchase agreement), all bank account statements (sole and joint), all savings and investment statements, credit card statements, pay stubs, income tax returns, insurance policies (home, vehicle and life), vehicle ownership statements and any other information relating to assets and liabilities. Make sure that you have enough money for a legal retainer and to take care of yourself for at least a few months~remove money from the joint account and move it into your own account.

You need to send a message to your WH, namely you will no longer tolerate this behaviour. He is completely wrong in telling you what you should be doing to "win" him back. He does not get to dictate to you about what your future will look like. You gave him a chance to come clean and to work on your marriage and he has thrown this opportunity away.

Read about the 180. It is located in The Healing Library in the left top corner of the page. Keep posting.

Find your anger, have faith in your strength and put your bitch boots on and kick his ass to the curb.

I just checked our file cabinet....he took everything with him when he moved out 3 weeks ago. I have no documentation at all. What do I do now.

Write down everything you can remember. Call an attorney. Go NC on him. Give him his divorce and OW. Go find your happiness. You are free. You will make it. Nothing lasts forever.

****I am typing this through strongly clenched teeth....****

Your first stop is the bank -- where you will pull out 1/2 the money in your joint accounts. This guy seems as if he is the type that will cut your access to funds. If he has already been there and taken *his* chunk -- sweep the rest into a different account that he doesn't have access to. And if you do not have online access for your bank accounts (or cannot access it) -- request the last 12 months worth of bank statements from them while you are there.

Find an attorney. Call whoever does your taxes and request copies of the last 3 years returns.

Since you can't do either of those things until Monday.....go online and look at the Illinois divorce law. Just to gain a bit of knowledge......because seriously. Nobody died and made his condescending, pompous ass the "King of Dissolution" -- he doesn't just get to tell you *how* it's gonna go. (interestingly, Illinois seems to be one of the rare states that allows for the filing of a 'fault' divorce. Hmmmmmm).

I'm really sorry that he is treating you this way. NC NC NC NC NC NC with this guy. Zip.It.

You rolled over, showed him your belly -- and he ripped your throat out. Don't do that anymore. Also -- play your cards very close to your chest when it comes to any *divorce* talk -- even if he's acting nice and seems to be being reasonable. Don't fall for it. Do not tell him one single thing that's in your head -- he'll only use it against you at the first opportunity.

You'll survive this.

He says that once I see what I will get in settlement he is confident that I will just walk.

^^^ He has money hidden. You have everything to gain and nothing to lose. The next 18 months are going to suck, but think of it as a big treasure hunt.

The person that looks like your husband right now, isn't He's an alien. If you've seen "Men In Black," he is an Edgar-shaped thing. Think pod-person. He doesn't care about you, as a matter of fact, he probably regards you with contempt, rage, and is impatient to get rid of you so that he can ride off into the sunset, on rainbow-colored unicorns, hand in hand with his lurve, eating the skittles that the unicorns are pooping.

This man doesn't have your back. If you show him your back, or your belly, he will just stick a knive into it. It's not fair, it's not right, and it sucks big time.

But this is the hand that you have been dealt. You need to quit thinking about this man as your husband, and start thinking of him as the person who will kill your heart and soul if you let him. He is the enemy right now.

Please read up on the divorce laws in your state. Call anyone that you know that has divorced and ask them for recommendations for the nastiest divorce lawyer out there. Get your own bank account and get it funded ASAP. You have RIGHTS. He doesn't get to call the shots for YOUR money in YOUR marriage.

This is war. It's not fair and it won't be fair. But you need to protect yourself or you will lose not only your marriage (which he has thrown away), but everything that you have worked so hard to amass and to save. You have to be your own hero. And you know something? You can be.

(((hugs))) Please come back often to vent, cry, or ask advice. Honestly, I would go down to the Separation and Divorce forum, post your situation, and ask for help. You will find that your circumstances are not, unfortunately, uncommon. They can help you with some very practicle advice.

First thing Monday morning I would contact a lawyer to figure out what your rights are. especially if he took all the important documents with him...

Bank account. Lawyer - there must be a way they can subpeona those records or something similar?

If it were me, I'd charge whatever I could to the credit cards - maybe a lot of gift cards at the grocery store or something to tide you over. Put the lawyer's retainer fee on it too, if you can.

ETA: I agree he has money hidden and will pressure you to settle quickly before you can trace it.

[This message edited by Lyonesse at 8:51 PM, November 2nd (Saturday)]

I am divorcing in Illinois, and here are a few things I've learned...

1. If you want to, call as many lawyers as you can. Once you 'consult' with them (which is often, but not always free) they can not talk to CWH.

2. Yes, you can file for a divorce on 'grounds', but all it does is speed up the process. Illinois requires couples getting a 'no fault' divorce to be separated for two years before the divorce is final, unless you both agree to waive the waiting period, but you still have to live apart for six months. A 'fault' divorce does not require a waiting period, but you do have to be able to prove it if he contests the D.

3. Grounds in Illinois are: Mental Cruelty, Adultery, Physical Cruelty, Drug Addiction or Drunkeness, Infection of an STD, and Conviction of a Felony.

4. Adultery is a Class A Misdemeanor in the state of Illinois. You can also sue the AP. But be aware that the other BS can also sue your WS.

5. Illinois is an Equitable Distribution state, so they will not take into consideration who's 'fault' it is for the settlement.

6. Jurisdiction is based on county of residence. Most counties require a 'Financial Disclosure' form from each party.

Sounds like your spouse would like to D quickly. Well tough cookies!! In this case you have the power. If you do not file for 'grounds', he will have to file a 'no fault' D, which will take at least two years, unless you agree to a waiver. Definitely find out what your rights are. Sounds like you're going to have a tough road ahead. Good Luck.

Sorry it is 4:30 a.m. And I can't sleep and must rant!

I found out about the no fault/fault time frame Gemini spoke of and told him that since the law requires that I swear that we both gave our best efforts to reconcile for no fault I could not swear that so it will take the full 2 years to divorce me. He shook his head and you could tell he was very angry and said well you know there is the fault option. I think he thinks HE can file based on HIS affair which I am sure his lawyer will tell him different. I told him I refuse to lie to our daughters and say" mommy and daddy tried our best but just can't make it work". He actually blamed our marriage on his crappy relationship with our daughters! Said because he was so unhappy he would come home from work and just sit on the couch and watch tv and not interact with our girls, who climbed all over him and try to engage him! Bullshit....you were acting the same way your Dad acted when you were a child. He actually had the audacity to ask if he could take the girls to his studio apt from Friday to Sunday on my birthday weekend! I looked at him as if he had two head and he said "what.?" I said you do not get the girls on my birthday, and he said oh I am sorry, I did not remember! Oh my goodness who is this alien life form who is so convinced that I have ruined his life! What about the rest of us. God please give me strength!

I truly had a WS who sounded exactly like yours did back when he had his A. The marriage and me were all to blame. Not him. And he moved out.

I am strongly telling you to let him walk away. And then go very very quiet and NC on him. Nothing. NO communication. If he wants out so badly give it to him. But he does not get you too.

And get proactiv about the bills and finances. Become your own advicate, it is important that you do these things even if you don't feel like it or want to.

And get a good IC for yourself to help you thru this time. Very important.

I am so sorry Ruby.

Read up on the 180 and implement it. NC from now on and he can talk to your lawyer.

Visit all the sharks lawyers in your town so he cannot use them.

He is showing you what he is. A bully and a truly mean, cruel person. Believe him and take control of you and the kids future because right now he wants to destroy it and hurt you all.

Right now, it is all about him, you all are in the way, and he will do what he needs to so he gets his way.

PROTECT yourself.

Time to LAWYER UP - NOW.

I can't stress this enough.

Stop telling him you want to reconcile - the man is beyond hearing any of that. All he wants you to do is give him everything financially and go disappear somewhere.

Fight for what's yours. Stop talking to him and stop thinking he's going to suddenly become human with compassion - he sounds like a complete and total heartless bastard.

Go for the kill, Ruby. If you don't, he's going to steamroll you!!

Been there done that. My ex swore she would end up with the house, the cars, child support, spousal support. She got the low end of spousal support and only because of the equitable dist laws in ohio. I did nc whenever i could, and when i talked to her because i had to at times, i rarely told the truth. She forfeited my honesty and trust by having the affair, so the game was on. You bs hub is a pos. nail him.

Just thinking of you and hoping that you have an appointment with a matrimonial lawyer soon.

Sending you strength and resilence.