I have no answers.
"Cry, and let your soul be cleansed of a love that turned to carnage." - Christy Brown
You have us to assist you in your discovery, loss and journey. Please remember that.
Can you afford to see a social s worker or psychologist? I think that might be an important support for you now.
In the meanwhile, I'm glad to hear that you are taking care of yourself so that you can take care of your child. Please. If you hear nothing else this weekend, hear this.
It was NOT your fault. YOU did not cause this. His betrayals were ALL on him. He made the decision to betray you when he had many other options talking to you, seeking counseling, asking for a divorce if he was truly unhappy, etc. It was his DECISION to betray you you did not drive him to it.
(((hugs))) Please come back often for support. We're all here for you.
D-Day, June 10, 2012
I'm very sorry for all the horrible things he did to you and I'm equally sorry for the loss of the man you loved.
We have had two or three others who have found out about infidelity after the WS died or had an accident or major health problems. Unfortunately, I cannot remember names.
I believe if you went to the general forum and asked to connect with others of similar situation you might find some help.
"Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live."
Please continue to take care of yourself and try not to be blind sided if any issues come up with your husband's estate such as debts..
It would be good to retain a lawyer and also confide into / ask a trusted friend or family member to help you...You will need help to deal with any surprise issues your husband's A's may have caused for you and your family..You have enough on your plate to deal with such as being in shock and grieving your husband's physical loss as well as finding out about his secret activities at the same time...Counseling can also be a source of strength..
Just know that there was nothing you could have done to prevent your husband from making the choices that he did..You are a human and you could not have been everywhere your husband was..Being married shouldn't mean that you have to monitor your spouse while either of you are away from the other..
You trusted him to be faithful and it was up to him to keep that vow....
I'm sure you were living your life and making your daily plans under the assumption and trust that your husband was faithful and like most of us , you would have continued to do so unless or until you found a reason to mistrust him...So please don't beat yourself up..
Sending you strength and hugs...
[This message edited by doggiediva at 11:52 AM, November 17th (Sunday)]
I would want to know if this was my daughter, regardless of how I felt about her husband.
You can get a lot of support here, but nothing will compare to a hug from your mom or dad.
I am hoping that you already have the support of your parents..
[This message edited by doggiediva at 5:12 PM, November 17th (Sunday)]
Yes, it is symptomatic of a personality disorder. I can intellectually understand that, but emotionally, that does not do much good. It still decimated me, to learn that the man I'd spent more than 30 years with was a complete and utter stranger.
You will heal, even without answers. Let yourself feel whatever you feel about him. Do not censor your feelings, even if you feel you "should" because he is no longer alive. Death does not confer sainthood, though it is our impulse not to think ill of the dead. He earned the scrutiny to which his memory is exposed. That he went to the grave with such secrets was exquisitely selfish and cruel, and indicative of a pathological sense of entitlement.
You do not have to protect his reputation. If it would help you to confide in someone, do so. If you feel you cannot confide in a friend or family member, please consider counseling. Actually, do that, regardless.
You will get past this. Millions of hugs to you.
I am so so sorry you had to find out that way. We are all here for you and I do remember, like others have said, that there was a poster in a similar situation to you. We will do our best to find them!
I agree with what others have said regarding telling your parents - you are still here and need their support and I think they will understand. Please reach out to as many people as you can right now.
None of this was your fault whatsoever. None of it.
The above suggestion about getting a lawyer is a very good suggestion. OW's, OC's could start coming out of the woodwork looking for money, so please please protect yourself.
You need support. Real life support. Find a IC ASAP. What you have experienced is a horrific shock, and you will need someone's support.
My heart goes out to you.
Additionally, you asked if your H had a 'disorder'? My guess would be that he was a sex addict.
Again, I am so so sorry for your pain.
[This message edited by painpaingoaway at 7:02 AM, November 18th (Monday)]