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My nightmere

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lidiya posted 11/2/2013 17:24 PM

First of all I have to appologize that English is not my first language. And second of all my case is way different than anybody else's case, it's a real nightnere.
I lost my husband recently and my D-day was the day of the funerals, when I got his phone, which I had never checked before (I am very trusful and stupid!) I don't know how I even survived the discovery.... Piles and piles of lies, of dirt... Just to give a comparison I have to give you one name - Tiger Woods. There are so many things I want to share, so many questions I need to find answers for, but it is my first post, I hope I'll tell you more. What I want to find out first of all is what was wrong with him? There must be some kind of a diagnosis for this behavior

LetMeRollIt posted 11/2/2013 17:29 PM

I'm so sorry to read that. My thoughts are with you.

I have no answers.

Lowlow posted 11/2/2013 17:32 PM

Please take care of yourself. Indeed, your situation is different from many of us. Try to eat and drnk lots of water. These-are simple things, but so important in the healing process.

You have us to assist you in your discovery, loss and journey. Please remember that.

Can you afford to see a social s worker or psychologist? I think that might be an important support for you now.

Hugs.

lidiya posted 11/2/2013 18:04 PM

I do take care of myself because I have two children and one of them is under 18. I am trying to figure out something. To be a husband, a father, a very succesful professional,and to have multiple emotional and phisical affairs all in the same time - there must be some abnormality about that? How can somebody lie for so long and for so often to your whole family which loves you so much and so proud of you? It must be some kind of a disorder... Another problem is I still love him very much, I would love to forgive him and start it all again, but no chance...

Skan posted 11/2/2013 19:47 PM

I am so very sorry. This is indeed, a special kind of hell, where you can't even ask for answers. I know that there is at least one other person here who had a similar situation if I can remember her name, I will PM you with it as she may be someone that you can talk to.

In the meanwhile, I'm glad to hear that you are taking care of yourself so that you can take care of your child. Please. If you hear nothing else this weekend, hear this.

It was NOT your fault. YOU did not cause this. His betrayals were ALL on him. He made the decision to betray you when he had many other options talking to you, seeking counseling, asking for a divorce if he was truly unhappy, etc. It was his DECISION to betray you you did not drive him to it.

(((hugs))) Please come back often for support. We're all here for you.

lidiya posted 11/2/2013 21:41 PM

Thank you for your support and kind words. I am trying hard to make some sense in my situation. I cannot discuss all that with my children because he always was their role model, not with my parents who loved him as he was their own son, not with friends or other relatives because everybody loved him! Yes, he was an amaizing man... with a double personality and double life. I should have been a better wife, I should have noticed something and taken care of what was wrong. I always noticed women's reaction on my husband, how they simply couldn't take their eyes of him even in my presence. Why didn't I think what could happen when I am not around? And he was out of town very often on bussines. But it is too late... I just do not know how I am supposed to heal? Yes, I would really want to contact someone who has similar experiense, to talk to somebody who can understand how much it hurts...

Girlietoo posted 11/3/2013 18:23 PM

Please don't take responsibility for your husband's choices. You did not cause this.

I'm very sorry for all the horrible things he did to you and I'm equally sorry for the loss of the man you loved.

realgood2u posted 11/16/2013 22:55 PM

Just now reading your post.

We have had two or three others who have found out about infidelity after the WS died or had an accident or major health problems. Unfortunately, I cannot remember names.

I believe if you went to the general forum and asked to connect with others of similar situation you might find some help.

doggiediva posted 11/17/2013 11:46 AM

My thoughts and prayers are with you too..I hate the position you are in and wish the phone that you checked was broken so that you wouldn't have had to find out this way..

Please continue to take care of yourself and try not to be blind sided if any issues come up with your husband's estate such as debts..

It would be good to retain a lawyer and also confide into / ask a trusted friend or family member to help you...You will need help to deal with any surprise issues your husband's A's may have caused for you and your family..You have enough on your plate to deal with such as being in shock and grieving your husband's physical loss as well as finding out about his secret activities at the same time...Counseling can also be a source of strength..

Just know that there was nothing you could have done to prevent your husband from making the choices that he did..You are a human and you could not have been everywhere your husband was..Being married shouldn't mean that you have to monitor your spouse while either of you are away from the other..

You trusted him to be faithful and it was up to him to keep that vow....

I'm sure you were living your life and making your daily plans under the assumption and trust that your husband was faithful and like most of us , you would have continued to do so unless or until you found a reason to mistrust him...So please don't beat yourself up..

Sending you strength and hugs...

[This message edited by doggiediva at 11:52 AM, November 17th (Sunday)]

hopefulmother posted 11/17/2013 15:29 PM

I would get the support of your parents. He is gone now...you are still here and need the healing support of YOUR parents.

I would want to know if this was my daughter, regardless of how I felt about her husband.

You can get a lot of support here, but nothing will compare to a hug from your mom or dad.

doggiediva posted 11/17/2013 17:10 PM

I do agree 100% with hopeful mother...

I am hoping that you already have the support of your parents..

[This message edited by doggiediva at 5:12 PM, November 17th (Sunday)]

solus sto posted 11/17/2013 17:57 PM

((Lidiya))) My husband led a double life, too. He's still alive (though he has a serious illness and likely will take every secret I have not uncovered to his grave), but it does no good, because he has refused to tell me a thing.

Yes, it is symptomatic of a personality disorder. I can intellectually understand that, but emotionally, that does not do much good. It still decimated me, to learn that the man I'd spent more than 30 years with was a complete and utter stranger.

You will heal, even without answers. Let yourself feel whatever you feel about him. Do not censor your feelings, even if you feel you "should" because he is no longer alive. Death does not confer sainthood, though it is our impulse not to think ill of the dead. He earned the scrutiny to which his memory is exposed. That he went to the grave with such secrets was exquisitely selfish and cruel, and indicative of a pathological sense of entitlement.

You do not have to protect his reputation. If it would help you to confide in someone, do so. If you feel you cannot confide in a friend or family member, please consider counseling. Actually, do that, regardless.

You will get past this. Millions of hugs to you.

hopefulmother posted 11/17/2013 18:05 PM

Although...he is gone...you can still benefit from reading "Not Just Friends"...this can help you understand why some men of power and influence lead these double lives and what they get from it.

NoAnswers37 posted 11/18/2013 06:51 AM

(((Lidiya)))

I am so so sorry you had to find out that way. We are all here for you and I do remember, like others have said, that there was a poster in a similar situation to you. We will do our best to find them!

I agree with what others have said regarding telling your parents - you are still here and need their support and I think they will understand. Please reach out to as many people as you can right now.

None of this was your fault whatsoever. None of it.

painpaingoaway posted 11/18/2013 07:02 AM

How horrible. I imagine what you are going thru is a special kind of hell. There was someone here with the same situation, but I believe she is no longer on SI,

The above suggestion about getting a lawyer is a very good suggestion. OW's, OC's could start coming out of the woodwork looking for money, so please please protect yourself.

You need support. Real life support. Find a IC ASAP. What you have experienced is a horrific shock, and you will need someone's support.

My heart goes out to you.

Additionally, you asked if your H had a 'disorder'? My guess would be that he was a sex addict.

Again, I am so so sorry for your pain.

PPGA

[This message edited by painpaingoaway at 7:02 AM, November 18th (Monday)]

bh14801 posted 11/18/2013 18:06 PM

Lidiya,
First I want to say I am sorry. Hugs to you! Your story hits close to home for me, my H was going to commit suicide without me knowing anything, which I wouldn't of understood or ever know the reason. I caught him in his weak moment and he confided in me every terrible detail. I believe he was in the catagory of sex addict. Makes me sick, but I know it was his choice, had nothing to do with me, just like your situation has nothing to do with you. I only found out 2 months ago and sometime I wish I didn't know everything I did. I feel I knew a good person and now I know a complete stranger, one I wouldn't even think about being with. Think of the good times you had that is your reality, you still have your memories, he wronged you, a good person and a good wife. But if it is like my H he does love me and said that this sickness had nothing to do with me at all. It is a nightmere and I do understand you not wanting to tell anyone, I don't want to either. Talk with a counselor I think that will help, but don't beat yourself up, I didn't have a clue and this went on for 25 years! Do what makes you happy now don't go crazy thinking about it, its over for him and you now, so just hold your good memories and don't feel guilty about that. For some of us the nightmere goes on and on.....

jjsr posted 11/18/2013 20:41 PM

First I want to say how sorry I am that you had to find out the way that you did. That must be so difficult
I want to tell you, do not keep his secret. You have to take care of you and your children and you are only as sick as your sickest secret.
It shouldn't matter to you what people think of him now. Its more important what you think of you and for you to take care of yourself. Get whatever help you need. Lean on your family. Sending you good thoughts

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