I've been reading Janis Spring's After the Affiar (2nd ed.). One of the things in there that I am finding appealing is the idea that, in reconciliation, both the WS (she uses "unfaithful partner") and the BS (she uses "hurt partner") have to restore trust in each other using low-cost behaviors. But there's an imbalance in the responsibility for restoring trust, and it falls on the WS also to engage in some high-cost behaviors in order for the BS to be able to have faith in the WS again.
Spring stresses that what counts as low-cost or high-cost will vary from couple to couple, but here are some of her examples:
low cost (both partners):
tell me when you feel proud of me and why
call or text me during the day
tell me when you feel I've let you down
come home from work in time to have dinner with the family
spend more time in foreplay
hold my hand when we are walking together
high-cost (WS for BS):
transfer some of your assets into my name
quit your job
pay for me to complete my college education
move to another town with me
get in MC or IC to explore what the affair says about you, about me, and about us.
Spring is pretty clear that, if the WS does not make some kind of high-cost sacrifice, it is often very difficult for the BS to learn to trust her or his partner again. BUT, I don't get the sense that Spring is suggesting that this "sacrifice" on the WS's part is to be understood as a punitive measure. I guess (and this is reading between the lines, to be honest) the gesture has to be a sacrifice rather than a punishment, and this means it has to be freely given, even if a difficult gift to give.
So I'm kind of thinking out loud about my own situation here as much as I am thinking about yours, but I guess you might have to be clear about what that gift needs to be for you to be able to trust again. BUT, if either your or your WW can't escape thinking of the request as a punitive measure, then it won't be experienced as the kind of freely given sacrifice that can help reforge some degree of trust.
In my own situation, I've been very clear about the absolute bedrock minimum expectations I have if we're going to try to work on R. So far, I don't think of these as gestures of trust at all... NC with OM, MC and IC for both of us, no privacy expectations. I know that she would prefer that I not tell many people (and sometimes I really do feel like telling everybody, but I know that even I don't really want very many people to know), so I figure limiting this to a need to know basis for now is part of a small gesture I can make that, for now, I'm willing to work on R.
But there is one high-cost behavior that I have been mulling over asking for from my WW... I haven't decided, and it's partly because, like you, I am concerned that what I would ask for would be a destructive rather than productive request. In my case, the thing that I imagine I'd like to have is a sworn affidavit from my wife admitting to the affair. Or, actually, I need to check with a lawyer about this, but, in any case, the point would be to have a form of documentation that reaches a legal threshold that would allow me without too much difficulty to seek divorce on grounds of fault in my state. In my state this grounds for divorce tends to have little direct bearing on custody issues, but it would at least expedite the divorce process here if we have to go that route, and it would also, I imagine, provide some leverage were WW to try to initiate divorce/custody proceedings in another state.
But here's the thing... I do WANT to be able to trust my WW again. If she told me that the cost of that is TOO high or punitive rather than restorative, what would I say? I'm honestly not sure. Sounds like you're kind of in that boat with your WW's job situation. Tough call. Have you talked with an MC to get a mediator's perspective on what you are trying to say to each other about this?