About 12 weeks past DDay. My boyfriend and I have been trying to reconcile. About 8 weeks ago, he came up with a "Recovery Plan" that he and I discussed and he promised to adhere to. On it was pretty basic stuff, access to his email, personal stuff, promises to work on our intimacy/sex, etc.
Then about 6 weeks ago, I wrote him a list of "my boundaries" complete with consequences. The boundaries were pretty basic (no contact with OW, no more new female friends, let me know where you'll be and when you'll be home). The list was basically a list of "complete dealbreakers" where I told him that if he broke any of these rules, it would severely stall our attempts to reconcile, and it would show me that he doesn't care, etc.
In the past two weeks, two "small" things have happened where he "broke" one of my boundaries.
In the first case, he was at an event (I can verify that he was there -- We use Life 360 and he was at the place where he was supposed to be). He told me that he'd be finished by 9pm. Well, 9pm rolled around and I didn't hear from him... Then at around 10:15pm he finally texted me to tell me that the event had just finished.
When he got home, I wanted to calmly tell him that I didn't appreciate that he broke my boundary, but I wound up having a panic attack because all the bad memories of him coming home late with no explanation last year came flooding back.
He said he didn't think it was such a big deal because I knew where he was.
He apologised after I had my meltdown and promised to change his behaviour. I believe him.
This morning, I went to check his work mobile (routine check to convince myself that I'm not an idiot for trying to trust him again) and he had changed his password. I immediately asked him for the new password and he told it to me, saying that the password expires every 60 days because it's his work mobile. I checked the phone and there was nothing suspicious, but I'm still annoyed that he changed the password and didn't tell me. It was on his "recovery plan" that he would continue to be open and honest with me, but didn't bother to tell me when he changed his password. He kind of got uppity this morning and said "I had no idea you were checking my work mobile" and kind of made me feel like a jealous freak of nature.
In both of these situations, I don't think that he was engaging in any sketchy behaviour, but I'm just annoyed that he isn't considerate enough to think about my current fragile state (him being an hour late, even though I know where he is is still torture for me, and him changing his password immediately makes me think that he's up to some sketchy shit, even though he wasn't).
I've asked him again today to please be considerate and think about me when he does things. He seems annoyed because he doesn't view these things as a big deal (in his mind, he wasn't up to anything bad, so he can't see why I'm getting so upset).
How do I "enforce" these boundaries when they are such "small" violations of what I had requested? I can understand his point of view, but at the same time, I wish he could see that these small violations cause me a lot of unnecessary distress.