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User Topic: I almost ruined what I had, and for what?
almostlostitall
♀ 41208
Member # 41208
Stop  Posted: 10:08 PM, November 2nd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H and I have been together for 15 (15!!!!) years. We've been married for 7 and have 3 beautiful children. Almost 3 years ago I started my affair, with my H's good friend and co-worker. It was on and off for that time, but 2 months ago (8/25), my H confronted me on the affair. He found out a few weeks earlier. My phone never completely locked when I fell asleep, and the text conversation between the other man and I were still open. H read it. He was devastated. Rightfully so.

He confronted me on 8/25 about it. I never denied it. I told him whatever he wanted. H thankfully never wanted to leave me. I count my lucky stars to have an amazing man like him, who won't give up, when honestly, I can't even say I would stay.

I ended contact with the other guy immediately. Deleted his number, and I've never looked back. I am certainly no better than him, because I cheated on my H, but I know for a fact he was seeing another woman the same time he was seeing me, and the fact my H confronted him about our affair hasn't slowed him down with his other one.

My H has decided that he doesn't want the other guys wife to know. This is not the first time it has happened in their marriage, he was caught cheating 1-2 years before I got to him, so H hasn't told her.

The other guy no longer works with my H, so it has been easier R with H. It's been very hard for both of us. I've been having anxiety attacks lately. H's issues are more "normal"; wondering when I cheated, where, how often, but he refuses to ask those questions because we, as a committed couple, are moving on from the past.

I look forward to using this forum to help me sort through my feelings, and help me understand what my H is going through, and for ways to help him any way I can.

Thank you

[This message edited by almostlostitall at 1:16 AM, November 3rd (Sunday)]


Me - WW 33
Him - BS 36
DDay - 8/25
Working on it

Posts: 3 | Registered: Nov 2013
SlowUptake
♂ 40484
Member # 40484
Default  Posted: 2:09 AM, November 3rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi almostlostitall and welcome.

You will find much support here as well as a lot of truth.

Just some tips for you from my observations.

Sometimes you are not going to like the advice you recieve.
(the WSs in this forum tell it like it is, no sugar coating)

When posting, be honest, the b*llsh*t radar of the people of this forum is
incredibly acute. Since we have all BTDT (been there, done that)

Take what you need, leave the rest.
You will get differing opinions and advise, take what works for you.

but he refuses to ask those questions because we, as a committed couple, are moving on from the past.

This is not a good sign, it is rugsweeping.
If that is what he wants there is nothing you can do until he changes his mind.
Be prepared for when that happens, because you will be in for a wild ride.

Something for you to ponder.
What are you doing to work out why you made the choice to cheat in the first place and how are you going
to change so you don't make that choice again?

Again welcome.


Me:WS,50+
Her:BS,50+ (WantToWakeUp)
Married 33yrs
Dday Dec 2009

"Do not say a little in many words but a great deal in a few." Pythagoras

There are two kinds of people in the world.
Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.


Posts: 390 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Limbo in Oz
SandAway
♀ 37775
Member # 37775
Default  Posted: 9:37 AM, November 3rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi almostlostitall.

help me understand what my H is going through

Go read the 'Betrayed Men' thread in the 'I Can Relate' forum. The BH's down there get real with their feelings. You should also read the 'Just Found Out' Forum.

I agree that you should not rugsweep this. Perhaps your BH just needs time to cope with what has happened. His wife had a 3 year affair with his BF. That is a lot for him to absorb.

Something you can do is to make a timeline of your A with dates, places, what you did together - every thing you can remember. This way you will have it ready when/if he begins to want answers.

You also need to work on yourself and think about what SlowUptake said:

"What are you doing to work out why you made the choice to cheat in the first place and how are you going to change so you don't make that choice again?"


fWW
BH Tred
M 16yrs
DDay Nov. 2011

Guns don't kill people; Affairs kill people


Posts: 439 | Registered: Dec 2012
20WrongsVs1
♀ 39000
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 2:53 PM, November 3rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ITA with the previous posters.

You can't move past stuff like this. You have to move through it.

Your AP was BH's friend. I know my BH's friends wives, or have at least met them. Do you know the OBS?

I'm confused about one thing, you said BH "wonders" but refuses to ask questions. Huh? I don't get that. If he wondered aloud, wouldn't you tell him?

Your BH may still very well be in shock. Buckle up, because it's very common for an anger phase to hit in months 3-6. If it does, try not to get defensive, apologize sincerely, and provide all of the information he requests.

Welcome to SI. Feel free to spill your guts anytime :)


fWW: 42
BH: 52
DDay: April 21, 2013
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1252 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
almostlostitall
♀ 41208
Member # 41208
Default  Posted: 3:24 PM, November 3rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do you know the OBS?
I do. She was never a friend, just his wife.
I'm confused about one thing, you said BH "wonders" but refuses to ask questions. Huh? I don't get that. If he wondered aloud, wouldn't you tell him?

H has told me he thinks about what happened with OP and I, but he won't ask any questions. I will tell him anything he wants, but he never asks. I really fear this will result in a big fight and I don't know how to head it off.


Me - WW 33
Him - BS 36
DDay - 8/25
Working on it

Posts: 3 | Registered: Nov 2013
Topic Posts: 5

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