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I almost ruined what I had, and for what?

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almostlostitall posted 11/2/2013 22:08 PM

My H and I have been together for 15 (15!!!!) years. We've been married for 7 and have 3 beautiful children. Almost 3 years ago I started my affair, with my H's good friend and co-worker. It was on and off for that time, but 2 months ago (8/25), my H confronted me on the affair. He found out a few weeks earlier. My phone never completely locked when I fell asleep, and the text conversation between the other man and I were still open. H read it. He was devastated. Rightfully so.

He confronted me on 8/25 about it. I never denied it. I told him whatever he wanted. H thankfully never wanted to leave me. I count my lucky stars to have an amazing man like him, who won't give up, when honestly, I can't even say I would stay.

I ended contact with the other guy immediately. Deleted his number, and I've never looked back. I am certainly no better than him, because I cheated on my H, but I know for a fact he was seeing another woman the same time he was seeing me, and the fact my H confronted him about our affair hasn't slowed him down with his other one.

My H has decided that he doesn't want the other guys wife to know. This is not the first time it has happened in their marriage, he was caught cheating 1-2 years before I got to him, so H hasn't told her.

The other guy no longer works with my H, so it has been easier R with H. It's been very hard for both of us. I've been having anxiety attacks lately. H's issues are more "normal"; wondering when I cheated, where, how often, but he refuses to ask those questions because we, as a committed couple, are moving on from the past.

I look forward to using this forum to help me sort through my feelings, and help me understand what my H is going through, and for ways to help him any way I can.

Thank you

[This message edited by almostlostitall at 1:16 AM, November 3rd (Sunday)]

SlowUptake posted 11/3/2013 02:09 AM

Hi almostlostitall and welcome.

You will find much support here as well as a lot of truth.

Just some tips for you from my observations.

Sometimes you are not going to like the advice you recieve.
(the WSs in this forum tell it like it is, no sugar coating)

When posting, be honest, the b*llsh*t radar of the people of this forum is
incredibly acute. Since we have all BTDT (been there, done that)

Take what you need, leave the rest.
You will get differing opinions and advise, take what works for you.

but he refuses to ask those questions because we, as a committed couple, are moving on from the past.

This is not a good sign, it is rugsweeping.
If that is what he wants there is nothing you can do until he changes his mind.
Be prepared for when that happens, because you will be in for a wild ride.

Something for you to ponder.
What are you doing to work out why you made the choice to cheat in the first place and how are you going
to change so you don't make that choice again?

Again welcome.

SandAway posted 11/3/2013 09:37 AM

Hi almostlostitall.

help me understand what my H is going through

Go read the 'Betrayed Men' thread in the 'I Can Relate' forum. The BH's down there get real with their feelings. You should also read the 'Just Found Out' Forum.

I agree that you should not rugsweep this. Perhaps your BH just needs time to cope with what has happened. His wife had a 3 year affair with his BF. That is a lot for him to absorb.

Something you can do is to make a timeline of your A with dates, places, what you did together - every thing you can remember. This way you will have it ready when/if he begins to want answers.

You also need to work on yourself and think about what SlowUptake said:

"What are you doing to work out why you made the choice to cheat in the first place and how are you going to change so you don't make that choice again?"

20WrongsVs1 posted 11/3/2013 14:53 PM

ITA with the previous posters.

You can't move past stuff like this. You have to move through it.

Your AP was BH's friend. I know my BH's friends wives, or have at least met them. Do you know the OBS?

I'm confused about one thing, you said BH "wonders" but refuses to ask questions. Huh? I don't get that. If he wondered aloud, wouldn't you tell him?

Your BH may still very well be in shock. Buckle up, because it's very common for an anger phase to hit in months 3-6. If it does, try not to get defensive, apologize sincerely, and provide all of the information he requests.

Welcome to SI. Feel free to spill your guts anytime :)

almostlostitall posted 11/3/2013 15:24 PM

Do you know the OBS?
I do. She was never a friend, just his wife.
I'm confused about one thing, you said BH "wonders" but refuses to ask questions. Huh? I don't get that. If he wondered aloud, wouldn't you tell him?

H has told me he thinks about what happened with OP and I, but he won't ask any questions. I will tell him anything he wants, but he never asks. I really fear this will result in a big fight and I don't know how to head it off.

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