I don't know how to be with you. I am not your parent so I don't want to punish you. I am not your prison warden so I don't want to monitor your every move. I don't want access to your emails, phone, text messages etc. I don't want to be a detective and follow you everywhere. I also don't want to be your councelor. I don't want to fight. I don't want to argue. I don't even want to talk at times.
I am terribly hurt and disgusted by your actions. I can't believe you forgot this pain. I can't believe the kids had to feel like their world has been torn apart again. We had everything. We were working towards a reconciliation. It was a very selfish thing to do.
I felt for a long time that I didn't have you. It finally felt like it was US again and now it's back to not having you at all. I think I'm used to not having you because it seemed like it was not just us for so long.
I enjoyed being with u this last year but I just really don't know if I can do this again. I know you want me to tell you that I want to work on this, but I'm going to say something to you that you've repeatedly said to me time and time again -- "we didn't have to work at it in the past".
I know it hurts you not to get a text or a call but I feel nothing right now. I just feel like I am refusing to allow myself to feel crazy and that my life has been totally destroyed. It felt like that last time. This time I just don't care. I may care a week from now, I may care a month from now. But right now i don't care. I will survive. U will survive and the kids will bounce back. I do know I still have love for u but I do not feel the way I did at this time.
I currently don't feel like I can count on you or trust you and to me those were things I always thought I had. Till death do us part. That's been taken from me.
I don't know why I turn off my emotions and have not given you the attention and affection you crave. Maybe it's a list of things or maybe I just don't know how to show it. I am sorry if it hurt u. It doesn't mean I didn't love u.
I recognize that this time feels different. I always hurt to see u hurting. Now I'm hurt that I'm hurting. That my dreams are shattered and my life is changing. That everything WE worked for is a mess. I am a changed person since this has happened. Last time I was worried about keeping things in tact. This time I am more concerned about keeping myself in tact.
I have not felt completely stable or secure since our last blow up last year. We separated a lot. We are not trusting of one another. I am finding that since together as a couple I didn't feel stable---I need to create that for me and the kids. I hope that u too have the same goal of making a stable environment for the kids as well. Even if that is without me.
This is why I'm saying I do not know how to be with you. I do not know what type of reconciliation could come of this. I've read the so call "positive stories" about couples that "made it" and their relationship is so much better. I don't believe it.
They all say crazy things about how their husband should appreciate them getting another chance, and that their cheating husband now has to give them a detail of phone bills and cancel texting on their phones. That doesn't sound like reconciliation. I am not that great that I would ever think that you'd be lucky to get another chance. I don't want to think of myself as that righteous.
I know we both tried to be so good to one another. Maybe being so young and growing up together allowed us to screw with boundaries and blur the lines. I wish that was enough for me to say "forgive and forget" but it's not. This has caused me such agony and torment within. It will be a long recovery for me.
I'm not trying to be dramatic. I really feel like I will need to work through this. I do not want the result of a lifetime of Love to end in anger, hurt and hate. Love should not transform into these dark emotions.
I wish that a reconciliation could take these feelings away, but it won't. I don't want to forget how this feels. I don't want to forget the pain. I don't ever want to be such a push over again. I want to know that a person can look you in the eye and lie. I've been too naive for way too long. In life, I've been afraid of conflict many times. I'm not afraid of it now. I'm questioning my own character. I think I am weak but ultimately I think we both let something precious slip away.
Unfortunately the innocence is gone. I hate this! I hate all of it! I hate that I lost you or at least the person I painted you to be.
I have thought about many things. You deserve passion, u deserve affection. You are an amazing person. I am hurt but I know you are hurting from things I never gave you. No one should go through their lives not feeling loved, or attractive. I hope that I never made you feel less than beautiful and appreciated. I know that's what I thought of u even if I wasn't expressing it correctly. It doesn't make an excuse for your infidelity but I at least wanted to let you know I do recognize I am not perfect.
I am afraid of what comes next but I don't want to spend years trying to forget this pain that will never leave. No counselor can convince me right now that a relationship can grow and get better after this. I believed last time and thought we "made it" but I just don't this time. I just don't. And I wish I thought it could.