[This message edited by killedthecat at 12:51 AM, November 3rd (Sunday)]
Since your BS was so awful in the past, why did you not simply divorce him, seek counciling, communicate your displeasure with his actions or anything else instead of cheating?
I don't need your answer, but perhaps you do.
"Do not say a little in many words but a great deal in a few." Pythagoras
There are two kinds of people in the world.
Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.
I stayed for the kids mostly
I also did not want to take the financial risk of divorcing
The times I threatened to leave, he threatened to go after the money I had comingled during our marriage and our home, which would have been financially devastating to me...
These aren't why you chose to cheat. They are justifications.
Why you chose to cheat is a bit more complex.
You chose immoral & hurtful actions instead of moral & honorable ones, why is that?
I'll give you a possible starting point. Selfishness.
If you continue along this path of no remorse or regret it's almost certain that your BS is
going to get fed up & divorce you.
Thereby guaranteeing the very thing you say you were trying to avoid by cheating.
There really isn't a moral way to hurt someone, I don't think.
Divorce is very hurtful to the person who doesn't want it. However it is the moral thing to do instead of cheating.
The people on this forum are here to get help in sorting out their issues/bad coping mechanisms and to aid their BS in healing from the mess that the cheating caused.
If you have no remorse and your actually glad your BS is hurting.
Seriously, why are you here?
It doesn't change what must happen to repair the marriage. It will require both of you being rigorously honest with each other and doing whatever it takes to begin providing protection and care to one another.
I'm glad you're here seeking some answers....
There is a section called 'The Healing Library' that has many articles highlighted. I'd recommend starting there with some reading.
D-Days April - Oct. 2007 Recovery started Nov. 2007
"Found Myself", I was right there in my shoes all along!
Search for self called off!
Why Repentance Is Necessary? Because Undeserved Mercy Empowers Entitlement/Sin
The fact that your BH is being *great* now means he probably woulda been *great* if you'd had an honest conversation about your feelings. But, as I did, you took the coward's way out and got a cheap thrill instead.
Rejoicing in your husband's misery? Yeah, that's pretty awful. It reveals that you still have a lot of anger inside you, which you are projecting onto him. He is not responsible for your anger, though. You are.
When you get that, you won't be high-fiving yourself for having an A anymore.
I don't know if I quite follow your reasoning on cheating. You say you felt trapped for financial reasons and therefore couldn't divorce. If that was the case, why did you compromise your marriage by cheating, knowing very well it could lead to divorce?
It's true, though, that most people who stick around (to the extent I can tell, I'm sure there are lots who read but don't post) begin to examine the impact of their choices not just on their BS but on their own identity as well. I've seen some amazing transformations in this place. (Aubrie, 20wrongs, I'm talkin' to you!)
Anyway, you have nothing to lose by sticking around, really. People will challenge your thinking and you have the choice to consider what they are saying or not. Approaching these interactions with curiosity about different point of view rather than from a place of defensiveness can be tough but it could help set you on a path of genuine healing.
Strength to you from a fellow EvolvingSoul
Glimmers of healing.
Who treats someone like that? Someone they are supposed to love and cherish?
Affairs are abusive.
IS THAT how you treat someone you're supposed to love and cherish?
Sneaking around, lying, betraying them?
Do you love your Husband?
Do you honestly want the relationship to continue?
Really look at that. I'm not looking for an answer from you, but it's something to really think about, and be a good place to practice self honesty.
I've been in a shitty, emotionally abusive, relationship before.
But when I started doing some work on myself, I was able to see how much I contributed to the atmosphere in that relationship.
It took some serious introspection and awareness to see that.
And a big slice of humble pie.
[This message edited by broevil at 4:03 PM, November 3rd (Sunday)]
"Your secrets keep you sick"
We all understand the fuel we feed ourselves to try to justify our adultery. The fuel is hurt, neglect, anger & resentment.... real or imagined, we use them for fuel....
There is a book, in 'The Healing Library', called Surviving An Affair that I believe would help you and your husband tremendously...
The author, Dr. Willard Harley, uses an imaginary couple to set the stage for his principles of marital recovery. The female character is named Sue... You fit the mold of Sue to a T... Sue did not regret cheating, yet was able, with some help, to restore her marriage to a loving, romantic marriage. I'd highly suggest you pick it up from a book store or online and read it quickly.