SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

killedthecat posted 11/3/2013 00:42 AM

I'm new here and havent had time to post much of a profile. Will get on that asap. But right now I'm having a bit of a breakdown and marital crisis, and I need this answered. Has anyone out there NOT regretted cheating? For any reason? To summarize, I will say that I spent many years being treated very poorly by my husband. One example being him leaving me hysterical in the hospital bed as I gave birth with no drugs to his child...not because he was upset or overwhelmed, but because he apparently wanted a sandwich:/ I was so deep into our relationship by the time things got really bad (financially and with children and life in general) that I was forced to stifle the anger I felt toward him and move on with day to day life. Fast foward to now, and he has made a complete turnaround in the way he treats me and for the first time ever seems to be truly remorseful for some of his past behavior and selfishness, but in all honesty every thought in my head is how I am glad he is hurting. I know that's awful and mean, but I don't want to lie and say that I feel otherwise. Thoughts, anyone?

[This message edited by killedthecat at 12:51 AM, November 3rd (Sunday)]

SlowUptake posted 11/3/2013 01:19 AM

It is highly unlikely you will find any WS in this forum that doesn't regret cheating.

Since your BS was so awful in the past, why did you not simply divorce him, seek counciling, communicate your displeasure with his actions or anything else instead of cheating?

I don't need your answer, but perhaps you do.

killedthecat posted 11/3/2013 01:29 AM

Oh, I definitely communicated my displeasure with his actions. I stayed for the kids mostly. I'm also very stubborn, and kept thinking that I could eventualy get through to him and make him understand how he was hurting me. I also did not want to take the financial risk of divorcing. I was a stay at home mom, but paid over 200, 000 for our home out of my trust fund. The times I threatened to leave, he threatened to go after the money I had comingled during our marriage and our home, which would have been financially devastating to me...

SlowUptake posted 11/3/2013 05:43 AM

OK. So you are an unremorseful WS who doesn't regret their actions.

I stayed for the kids mostly

I also did not want to take the financial risk of divorcing

The times I threatened to leave, he threatened to go after the money I had comingled during our marriage and our home, which would have been financially devastating to me...

These aren't why you chose to cheat. They are justifications.

Why you chose to cheat is a bit more complex.
You chose immoral & hurtful actions instead of moral & honorable ones, why is that?

I'll give you a possible starting point. Selfishness.

If you continue along this path of no remorse or regret it's almost certain that your BS is
going to get fed up & divorce you.
Thereby guaranteeing the very thing you say you were trying to avoid by cheating.

killedthecat posted 11/3/2013 06:12 AM

There really isn't a moral way to hurt someone, I don't think. And that is ultimately what I was going for.

SlowUptake posted 11/3/2013 07:13 AM

There really isn't a moral way to hurt someone, I don't think.

Divorce is very hurtful to the person who doesn't want it. However it is the moral thing to do instead of cheating.

The people on this forum are here to get help in sorting out their issues/bad coping mechanisms and to aid their BS in healing from the mess that the cheating caused.

If you have no remorse and your actually glad your BS is hurting.
Seriously, why are you here?

Card posted 11/3/2013 08:28 AM

I have seen some women that were neglected for so long that they have no remorse for their affair.

It doesn't change what must happen to repair the marriage. It will require both of you being rigorously honest with each other and doing whatever it takes to begin providing protection and care to one another.

I'm glad you're here seeking some answers....

There is a section called 'The Healing Library' that has many articles highlighted. I'd recommend starting there with some reading.

20WrongsVs1 posted 11/3/2013 10:59 AM

Sweetie, nobody forced you to stifle your anger. That was a choice. Your anger and resentment grew and festered, because you were too weak or afraid to face it. Hey, BTDT ICR. Many of us can.

The fact that your BH is being *great* now means he probably woulda been *great* if you'd had an honest conversation about your feelings. But, as I did, you took the coward's way out and got a cheap thrill instead.

Rejoicing in your husband's misery? Yeah, that's pretty awful. It reveals that you still have a lot of anger inside you, which you are projecting onto him. He is not responsible for your anger, though. You are.

When you get that, you won't be high-fiving yourself for having an A anymore.

killedthecat posted 11/3/2013 13:54 PM

I sincerely apologize if I am in the wrong place here. I'm trying very hard to confront this mess and sort it all out mentally, but I don't want to lie and pretend that these feelings I'm having don't exist. Over the past years I have tried literally every way possible to reach my husband. We had endless talks and arguments about these marital problems, to the point that i just became exhausted with it all. He simply refused to.acknowledge that he is capable of wrongdoing time and time again. The few times he did admit to hurting me, he issued a swift apology and would tell me that he had said he was sorry and that was that and refuse to speak about it again. I was always pushed into a corner where it seemed my only way out was divorce, which simply wasn't an option at the time. I felt all along that he knew I was trapped by our situation and used that as an excuse to treat me like shit. He honestly never believed I would do anything about it. Who treats someone like that? Someone they are supposed to love and cherish?

pointofnoreturn posted 11/3/2013 14:09 PM

I don't see how that makes cheating a-ok though. Cheating, no matter how shitty your H is, is never their fault. They didn't hold a gun to your head and say "Cheat. Now." If that was the case, you would have been given permission to cheat, no?

I don't know if I quite follow your reasoning on cheating. You say you felt trapped for financial reasons and therefore couldn't divorce. If that was the case, why did you compromise your marriage by cheating, knowing very well it could lead to divorce?

EvolvingSoul posted 11/3/2013 14:16 PM

You are not in the wrong place. I think you're in exactly the right place. There have been other members that have felt, at the outset, as you do. One I can think of even told her BS straight up that she was going to cheat and then did. She had been on the receiving end of some very terrible treatment from him. She told him beforehand what she was going to do so that made it okay, right? She thinks about this very differently today because she hung around here and she was willing to take a hard look at her own choices.

It's true, though, that most people who stick around (to the extent I can tell, I'm sure there are lots who read but don't post) begin to examine the impact of their choices not just on their BS but on their own identity as well. I've seen some amazing transformations in this place. (Aubrie, 20wrongs, I'm talkin' to you!)

Anyway, you have nothing to lose by sticking around, really. People will challenge your thinking and you have the choice to consider what they are saying or not. Approaching these interactions with curiosity about different point of view rather than from a place of defensiveness can be tough but it could help set you on a path of genuine healing.

Strength to you from a fellow EvolvingSoul

SurprisinglyOkay posted 11/3/2013 14:36 PM

Who treats someone like that? Someone they are supposed to love and cherish?

Affairs are abusive.

IS THAT how you treat someone you're supposed to love and cherish?
Sneaking around, lying, betraying them?

Do you love your Husband?
Do you honestly want the relationship to continue?
Really look at that. I'm not looking for an answer from you, but it's something to really think about, and be a good place to practice self honesty.

I've been in a shitty, emotionally abusive, relationship before.
But when I started doing some work on myself, I was able to see how much I contributed to the atmosphere in that relationship.
It took some serious introspection and awareness to see that.
And a big slice of humble pie.

[This message edited by broevil at 4:03 PM, November 3rd (Sunday)]

Card posted 11/3/2013 15:53 PM

killedthecat,

We all understand the fuel we feed ourselves to try to justify our adultery. The fuel is hurt, neglect, anger & resentment.... real or imagined, we use them for fuel....

There is a book, in 'The Healing Library', called Surviving An Affair that I believe would help you and your husband tremendously...

The author, Dr. Willard Harley, uses an imaginary couple to set the stage for his principles of marital recovery. The female character is named Sue... You fit the mold of Sue to a T... Sue did not regret cheating, yet was able, with some help, to restore her marriage to a loving, romantic marriage. I'd highly suggest you pick it up from a book store or online and read it quickly.