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Do you deserve to know after the 2nd time?

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realitybites posted 11/3/2013 07:56 AM

So a comment in another thread had me feeling very sad. Maybe feels it hits too close to home, don't know.

Someone made a comment that their BS did not want to tell the OBS because it was supposedly the 2nd time this person had cheated on his wife and still "took him back" so therefore did not deserve to know again.

I realize this is a justification and fear talking but how many people really think this? I took my WS back and we have been back together since 2005. But if it were to happen again do I basically not deserve to know? What, because I was too stupid in taking him back to try to work on my marriage?

You know many times the BS is not "too stupid" in taking their WS back. Maybe they are very smart and reliable and hard working and caring. But if their WS ends up doing it again don't we as BS's still deserve to know?

realitybites posted 11/3/2013 08:23 AM

I just thought it was a weird comment. But haven't we heard it before? That is a BS's worse fear, that is what holds us up on wanting to take a WS back. Will they do it again?

So then when I see a BS basically say that they don't want to tell the OBS because they cheated once already, that they should have known better? What does this statement mean when people say this?

I have been here awhile now and I am OK with me and my choices. Just made me stop and think about the unfairness of it all and how hard this really is to not only us and our children but how other people look at us. Like we were "weak" in taking them back.

It was just a sad statement on how people see themselves in others.

Kelany posted 11/3/2013 08:23 AM

What a hateful comment. Seriously? So if we reconcile and our spouse cheats again, we deserve it? Fuck that.

painfulpast posted 11/3/2013 08:55 AM

Yes we deserve to know. I'm sorry - fear or not, that was an ignorant comment. I don't care if they took their WS back 8 times. They deserve to know what their spouse is doing, and lying about. It is none of the person speaking's business if there has already been infidelity in their relationship and they reconciled. That is between them.

I wonder if the person speaking would be as 'kind' if the OBS had been the one to discover the A and not told them because they didn't like the BS's car or some other thing that is of no concern to anyone but the BS, so they decided they didn't deserve to know.

What a mean, ignorant comment. That isn't coming from fear, it's coming from anger. It sounds like they blame the OBS because the OP is still cheating, so OBS didn't 'teach them a lesson'.

It's a nasty comment. Yes, we all deserve to know the truth about our marriages.

[This message edited by painfulpast at 8:56 AM, November 3rd (Sunday)]

SeanFLA posted 11/3/2013 09:07 AM

Gee with that kind of reasoning it wouldn't surprise me if they get cheated on a third or even fourth time because now they are giving out free passes to their WS to cheat without consqueces.

Talk about having low self worth as a WS. That or someone is seriously accepting all sorts of gaslighting.

AlexFL posted 11/3/2013 09:12 AM

YES. A marriage is made when 2 people decide on things together- not when one person makes rules that just apply to u. If he cheats u deserve to know!!!!!

Kierst13 posted 11/3/2013 09:15 AM

I think about things like this too much. I do not have a popular opinion on this topic.

Do we deserve to know? I suppose, but I believe every ounce of pain he was able to cause me after DDay#2 is partly my responsibility. He cheated and I gave him the gift of reconciliation. Instead of cherishing that gift; he pretended to be remorseful and kept his mistress well hidden.

After I found out the second time and did not toss his ass out is my choice and my willingness to allow him to further hurt me. He showed me exactly who he was and it was time for me to believe him. With that information comes a choice. If I choose to stay after I know who he is, I have to take responsibility for letting him continue to hurt and disrespect me. I am not saying everybody should feel that way, but insanity is doing the same thing over and over, and expecting a different result. I am done with insanity and I am getting new results.

I will say if I knew of an acquaintance that had many Ddays, I might presume she/he wants to "don't ask don't tell" and I might choose not to say anything. It would not be that I would think she does not deserve to know, but more that maybe she does not want to know. She wants to pretend her world is Ok to keep the security, appearances or what have you.

SisterMilkshake posted 11/3/2013 09:18 AM

There are many people who feel people are foolish to reconcile with a spouse who has been unfaithful. I just read this in a tag line:

“There is nothing more humiliating than loving someone so much that you forgive the infidelities.” ---Jerry Hall
So much is being said in this quote.

Even here at SI there are some who will make backhanded remarks about people who reconcile. (and some, not so backhanded)

I really don't understand why it has to bother people who's spouses adultery was a dealbreaker for them but it isn't a dealbreaker for someone else. The backhanded remarks aren't helpful in "opening" our eyes. We are all different and our situations and spouses are different. It would be nice to be able to understand that we dont' all feel, think and act the same.

BS did not want to tell the OBS because it was supposedly the 2nd time this person had cheated on his wife and still "took him back" so therefore did not deserve to know again.
Maybe this person was looking for a justification to not tell the OBS, as you suggested. It is hard to put yourself out there to bring this message of betrayal to someone. I know I wouldn't want to do it,( and before d-day, didn't) but now I realize that is how infidelity thrives. Many people know, but don't want to get involved for a myriad of reasons, and don't tell.

somanyyears posted 11/3/2013 09:30 AM

..i think it is similar to the old saying.." FOOL ME ONCE, SHAME ON YOU"... FOOL ME TWICE,.. SHAME ON ME" !!!

..FOOL ME FOR 40 years???

..somebody just shoot me..PLEASE!!!


phmh posted 11/3/2013 09:31 AM

This is an interesting topic and may make me change my mind if I were to be put in this situation.

If it were someone I was close enough to that I knew thought that they were in R with the promise to be monogamous, I'd say something.

But if it were an acquaintance, especially if I knew about multiple D-Days, I'd assume that the BS was OK with their WS stepping out and would be embarrassed to know that people knew about the cheating, so I wouldn't say anything, in the interest of protecting the feelings of the BS, assuming, as Kierst said, that they had a "don't ask don't tell" thing going on.

I try to stay away from gossip, and hope I'm never in this situation. I didn't see the original comment, but from what I've read of it described here, I don't think it's hateful or hurtful. Just someone reacting differently to the situation in the best way they know how.

mixedintherut posted 11/3/2013 09:55 AM

Of course you deserve to know! You always have the right to make an educated decision in your life.

Just because you give R a possibility once and try to work through it, it doesn't mean your WS has the right to cheat on you the rest of your life.

It doesn't matter if your WS cheats 1 time or 5 times and you choose to R each time, you still deserve to know the truth.

ladies_first posted 11/3/2013 10:07 AM

I am not a mushroom; don't keep me in the dark and feed me shit.

Everybody has the right to the truth and/or facts.

The "last time" only becomes the "last time" when I have had enough pain and I know I have the strength and financial and emotional resources to move on.

For some, the "last time" is the first A. Many try to R and end the M after discovery of a second A. Some turn a blind eye, and live with a serial wayward. (Think of primary school, not every kid learns at the same speed.)

Who are we to know where others are on along their personal journey?

All we can do is provide painful facts compassionately; if we fear blowback perhaps we can provide painful facts anonymously.

heforgotme posted 11/3/2013 10:50 AM

it was supposedly the 2nd time this person had cheated on his wife and still "took him back" so therefore did not deserve to know again.

I think this is even MORE reason to tell her.

Pre-DDay, I don't think WH understood the gravity of what he was doing. Yeah, he knew it was wrong, and selfish, and shallow, and blah,blah,blah. But I don't think he knew the abject hell he was getting us into. How he would destroy me and damage himself in the process.

But now he knows. So while his choices before were stupid and selfish, I don't think he was making a conscious decision to hurt me. But if he did it again, knowing what this is like, he would be.

She needs to know so that she can make an informed decision as to what to do next.

realitybites posted 11/3/2013 11:22 AM

Yeah how does anyone know if the BS got totally gaslighted and believed what their WS said the first go around? How many times have we heard of them going underground further and we just don't know?

I truly think people just don't want to get involved, so therefore they come up with many reasons why they don't want to tell. Yet in doing so they still throw a BS under the bus, by still blaming them for staying.

ladies_first posted 11/3/2013 12:10 PM

Hope takes a long time to be replaced by reality.

Evidence of yet another affair partner goes a long way to bitch-slap hope ... and face reality.

To wit:

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