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Sexual Harrasment Again?

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Kelany posted 11/3/2013 08:11 AM

For those of you not familiar with my history, briefly, my husband is a recovering SA (15 months in recovery). He had 4 PA's (one LTA of over 2 years) with employee's of his over a 5 year period. July 2012 he was fired from his jog of a general manager of a restaurant for attempting to find a new AP. She called HR because he touched her on the knee in his office, he rubbed her shoulders once, gave her a one armed hugged and the clincher, he told her he wanted to kiss her and knew he couldn't. He was trying to groom her and trying to see if she was interested. She wasn't. She turned him in, he was fired and she is my hero. He it bottom HARD. He started recovery, he was unemployed for 4 months, our lives were upside down and I found out about ALL the AP's (I'd only known about one at the time) and the year of false R.

In any case, he's worked his ASS off for reconciliation once I got my bitch boots on and shit got real. Our marriage has TRULY never been better. Honestly. He has been trying so hard to help me heal. And he's been doing a great job with it.

He has been honest, transparent, our communication is wonderful, and he's been working on himself a lot. This is NOT the man that I was married to a year ago, nor the one who was such an ass those 5 affair years.

His new job is a kitchen manager. Not the big boss, this is good, he has accountability. We have been over boundaries. no personal conversations, no joking around, no outside contact with people from work, etc. The people he oversee's are male. He works much closer to home and I can (and have) dropped in at any time. No one except his boss has his phone number. Things of that nature. He's been solid.

So Friday he was off work. He got a call from his area director asking if he could come in for a brief meeting. I was teaching all day (we homeschool and Friday is a co-op day for us). We were thinking hey, he's been there a year, maybe it's his review.

He called me that afternoon. No, it wasn't. He was being asked about another incident o possible sexual harassment. WTF?!?!?!

When he got there, they asked him did he know why he was there, he said no. (last year when he was fired, he knew exactly why. He was even caught on video). They said an employee had called HR. He had no clue. They gave no details. The ONLY thing he could think of was that in the kitchen, when it's busy and crowded, at times he will guide people through the dangerous area's by placing a hand on their upper back, shoulder. He will do this to men or women, doesn't matter. The floors are slick (I've been back there, they are), lots of hot surfaces, etc. He said he would do this like he would to one of our children, guiding them through a dangerous area.

They did not fire him, they didn't tell him anything. Just said that he is off for the weekend while they conclude the investigation.

Now, if he didn't have the history that he does, I would not even question this. I wouldn't even hesitate to believe him. But...that's not the case.

When I got home, I drilled him. He did NOT get defensive or angry (his MO when he was lying before). He was genuinely bewildered. He felt blindsided. His story did not change. And honestly, I felt NOTHING in my gut. NOTHING. I asked him to call his AD Friday evening to get a brief update and he did, immediately. Last year he refused to call his boss, because he was lying to me, and didn't want me to know it. He didn't hesitate this year. He isn't hiding ANYTHING from me.

I do NOT want to be nave, but I also feel nothing in my gut. Not a thing. I believe him. I've seen the work he's done, I've seen the changes he's made.

What I did discuss with him was, no matter what you can NOT touch anyone. If they fall, it's on the company. If they burn themselves, it's on the company!!!!! You can't help them. I thought you understood that. He said he does not. I told him it's like a male GYN, they have female nurses in the room, not for the patient, but to protect the doctor from false allegations. My GYN is a gay man, I love him. He certainly isn't copping a feel. however, he still has a nurse in there, because you just do not know what someone might do. He has to protect his reputation.

He is devastated by this because he's worked so hard. He loves this new job, it's been ideal for our family life. We should be hearing this evening what will happen, it may just go in his file. His AD did say to keep his chin up, he gets a lot of calls like this. (FYI they do not know about his former incident at his old job). He said let it play out for now.

I honestly feel he is telling me the truth. He's worked so hard on being transparent an rebuilding trust. However I'm also taking a wait and see approach. Trust but verify. If he loses his job, he did say he will try to fight it, because he does not feel he did anything wrong.

Sad thing is, I've seen many times, his boss give female employees shoulder rubs, hugs, etc. Things my husband USED to do. None of that is called into question. we've talked about how his boss is so touchy and flirty with employees and how bad it is, and that's how my husband got into trouble so easily.

Am I being stupid for believing him?

Yakamishi posted 11/3/2013 08:27 AM


I also run a restaurant. Been doing it for 20+ years. I also had a sexual harrasment complaint on me. (Waaaay early in my career when I was 20. It was in the 80s when things were rampant. And I learned real quick what is appropriate and what is not.)

That said, I have to tell you...outside of a handshake, it is NEVER ok to touch someone. Back, arm, leg, whatever. Regardless of your intentions. You know how some people are touchy-feely? That is not ok. It's all about making the environment a comfortable one for the employee. If you have your boss walking by you putting his hand on you to "guide" you....

Um, no thank you.

Kelany posted 11/3/2013 08:30 AM

Oh, I agree, completely!!!

He used to be the touchy feely, but now isn't. Except, dude, guiding hand? Still not okay!!!!! Hello!!!

He gets, but I thought he had already gotten it. I don't touch men, ever. He can't touch anyone, ever!

Kelany posted 11/3/2013 09:17 AM

I was wrong, they did confirm it was a one time "guiding" incident.

And yes, he fully understands now, only handshakes.

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