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How and why?

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mrhurt314 posted 11/3/2013 08:44 AM

I don't even know how to answer these questions. I need to. What I did was so selfish and heartless and cruel. I can see from here that I've never been happy with who I am. I've never felt happy. I have filled my life with new hobbies, projects, etc. and when they don't do the trick, they get abandoned.

Entitlement? Emotionless? Lack of morals? I'm terrified that something is wrong inside my head. I can't fathom it from where I'm sitting now.

My BS has said that I've been demanding of sex throughout or relationship, but I never did any of the work. She has said that I've never shown her love. That having an A solidifies that I hate her. That I'm controlling and manipulative. Why? Why do I need to control?

mrhurt314 posted 11/3/2013 08:54 AM

Self-abandonment? Did I expect my marriage to make me happy? I've put too much on the external to fulfill the internal emptiness and unhappiness.

SurprisinglyOkay posted 11/3/2013 08:59 AM

I've put too much on the external to fulfill the internal emptiness and unhappiness.

The story of my life. I filled with anything that I thought would make me feel good, men, drugs, sex, work, hobbies, the list goes on.

I was never true to myself, I became whomever I "needed" to be to feel okay about myself. To fit in. Never realizing that I was good enough.

So what are you going to do to figure this out?
You're asking a lot of questions that only you hold the answer to.

Are you in IC?
Reading any books?

Why DO you need to control?
Are you afraid of what will happen if you let go of the outcome?

Card posted 11/3/2013 12:57 PM

Have you read any of the books that myself and others have suggested to you yet?

mrhurt314 posted 11/5/2013 10:46 AM

I have been reading, but not nearly enough. And there are some insightful pieces on how I've made poor marital love decisions, but it isn't (yet) opening my eyes to why or how I chose to have an A. I'll keep reading.

I think my control issues are expressly tied to not always knowing what's going on. Everything is a threat, even if it really isn't. I have controlled my BS in a lot of ways. I still find myself wanting to know everything she's doing, what she's texting to her friends, what she's going to say to her counselor. If she's going out with her friends (like tonight) I really have to focus on not wanting to know everything about the evening. Where they'll be, who will be there, etc. Maybe underlying trust issues. Not just with my BS. With anybody. My need to know supercedes her need to just go have a relaxing night with friends. It's abusive. I have stifled her very being with our marriage, and then I have the arrogant audacity to have an A. Seriously, I cannot even begin to understand what is so wrong inside me. I hope counseling will continue to aid in the process.

My BS brought up something else this morning. My demanding of things I "deserve" over the years, particularly since my A, Dday, and TT. Pressuring her for sex. Demanding time to do things away from the family because I "needed" it. Buying things for myself, with no regard for her or the family. All after completely shitting on her and our marriage. I see the entitlement and selfishness in my youth around my house, but if these are learned behaviors, they need to be UNlearned quickly.

I'm also just trying to find, through all this heap, what is happiness within oneself. How that's achieved. Because right now, the shame of looking at myself makes it hard to see.

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