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Newest Member: wokewife (61144)

User Topic: How and why?
♂ 31872
Member # 31872
Stop  Posted: 8:44 AM, November 3rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't even know how to answer these questions. I need to. What I did was so selfish and heartless and cruel. I can see from here that I've never been happy with who I am. I've never felt happy. I have filled my life with new hobbies, projects, etc. and when they don't do the trick, they get abandoned.

Entitlement? Emotionless? Lack of morals? I'm terrified that something is wrong inside my head. I can't fathom it from where I'm sitting now.

My BS has said that I've been demanding of sex throughout or relationship, but I never did any of the work. She has said that I've never shown her love. That having an A solidifies that I hate her. That I'm controlling and manipulative. Why? Why do I need to control?

FWH 38

Posts: 36 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: Pacific NW
♂ 31872
Member # 31872
Default  Posted: 8:54 AM, November 3rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Self-abandonment? Did I expect my marriage to make me happy? I've put too much on the external to fulfill the internal emptiness and unhappiness.

FWH 38

Posts: 36 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: Pacific NW
♀ 36684
Member # 36684
Default  Posted: 8:59 AM, November 3rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've put too much on the external to fulfill the internal emptiness and unhappiness.

The story of my life. I filled with anything that I thought would make me feel good, men, drugs, sex, work, hobbies, the list goes on.

I was never true to myself, I became whomever I "needed" to be to feel okay about myself. To fit in. Never realizing that I was good enough.

So what are you going to do to figure this out?
You're asking a lot of questions that only you hold the answer to.

Are you in IC?
Reading any books?

Why DO you need to control?
Are you afraid of what will happen if you let go of the outcome?

FWS me 38 (recovering addict)
BS him 41 AFrayedKnot
Together 10 years
2 children

"Your secrets keep you sick"

Posts: 1168 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: 221B
♂ 23667
Member # 23667
Default  Posted: 12:57 PM, November 3rd (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Have you read any of the books that myself and others have suggested to you yet?

WH (me)
BS (her)

D-Days April - Oct. 2007 Recovery started Nov. 2007

"Found Myself", I was right there in my shoes all along!
Search for self called off!

Why Repentance Is Necessary? Because Undeserved Mercy Empowers Entitlement/Sin

Posts: 570 | Registered: Apr 2009
♂ 31872
Member # 31872
Default  Posted: 10:46 AM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have been reading, but not nearly enough. And there are some insightful pieces on how I've made poor marital love decisions, but it isn't (yet) opening my eyes to why or how I chose to have an A. I'll keep reading.

I think my control issues are expressly tied to not always knowing what's going on. Everything is a threat, even if it really isn't. I have controlled my BS in a lot of ways. I still find myself wanting to know everything she's doing, what she's texting to her friends, what she's going to say to her counselor. If she's going out with her friends (like tonight) I really have to focus on not wanting to know everything about the evening. Where they'll be, who will be there, etc. Maybe underlying trust issues. Not just with my BS. With anybody. My need to know supercedes her need to just go have a relaxing night with friends. It's abusive. I have stifled her very being with our marriage, and then I have the arrogant audacity to have an A. Seriously, I cannot even begin to understand what is so wrong inside me. I hope counseling will continue to aid in the process.

My BS brought up something else this morning. My demanding of things I "deserve" over the years, particularly since my A, Dday, and TT. Pressuring her for sex. Demanding time to do things away from the family because I "needed" it. Buying things for myself, with no regard for her or the family. All after completely shitting on her and our marriage. I see the entitlement and selfishness in my youth around my house, but if these are learned behaviors, they need to be UNlearned quickly.

I'm also just trying to find, through all this heap, what is happiness within oneself. How that's achieved. Because right now, the shame of looking at myself makes it hard to see.

FWH 38

Posts: 36 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: Pacific NW
Topic Posts: 5

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