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i don't want to share!

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notmychoice posted 11/3/2013 08:37 AM

Any day now my stbx will make his decision whether or not to break up with the ow in order to to re-build a relationship with his kids. they had told him months ago that would be the only way he could be in their life. he does not deserve them in his life but I know in my heart its best for the kids. right? he betrayed them and was cruel to them in the following months after he left and I don't want my kids to be hurt any more. how do I get past the fear of possibly sharing my kids with someone that I have so much hate in my heart?

Ashland13 posted 11/3/2013 10:43 AM

I have this too. It's wretched.

Just this weekend, DD is at the house that Perv shares with OW and I've thrown up several times over it.

Several things have to happen in order for us to get a handle on this part of things. They aren't easy.

One thing we can do is control our own thinking and work very hard not to let our mind slip to thoughts of the A or people involved. In fact, it may make me selfish, but I don't think of our daughter right now either, only things in my own house, under my own roof. Those I can control and are pleasant.

If you can keep track of your thoughts and catch them before they slip, it helps.

I'm proud of your kids, FWIW, for taking a stand. The in laws are now being presented with Fatty B against their will, in their own homes in the flesh, and no one is able to stand up to not wanting her there. I'm so sad that he will win, in that way, if no one does besides me.

One way that I'm working on the hate is the same thing, with being in charge of my wandering thoughts and keeping as busy as I can. I keep my mind on what I'm physically doing and nothing more and it helps, too.

I'm also looking into background checks, because Fatty B and tribe are strangers and because it is rumored they are swingers, so who knows who will be coming and going with my DD there besides.

I'm sorry for your pain and hope you can sort it out soon...

anewday78 posted 11/3/2013 11:56 AM

Have the kids talked to him? Did they give him the ultimatum that he had to break up with her? How has he taken that? How has he been taking the degradation of his relationship with his kids? I mean, it seems like a no-brainer to me - kids trump a whore every time.

Phoenix1 posted 11/3/2013 13:53 PM

it seems like a no-brainer to me - kids trump a whore every time.

To a moral person with a soul and conscience, yes. My XPOS walked away and chose his whore over any relationship with our kids...

anewday78 posted 11/3/2013 16:06 PM

My XPOS walked away and chose his whore over any relationship with our kids...
There's going to come a day when he needs HIS diaper changed. I'm sure he'll regret his choices when that day comes.

dmari posted 11/3/2013 16:13 PM

notmychoice ~ how old are your kids? My heart is aching for your kids right now. I think they are in a lose/lose situation. If stbx decides not to break up, ugh talk about another betrayal. It would be like another dday for them. And if he does, will he hold it over their heads? Make them feel guilty? Play the victim? Ugh.

My kids are teens. I don't think they ever thought of giving stbx an ultimatum. As with your children, it will take way more than breaking up with OW to rebuild a relationship after betrayal and disloyalty

I'm sorry but I just read your question. You will never get "past" the fear of sharing your children. I hope others will be able to share their thoughts and experiences regarding your question. I don't share my kids yet but if stbx were to grow up and try to make amends with my kids then I will have to come back to your post and read what others have said.

Hugs to you!

persevere posted 11/4/2013 00:03 AM

I want to say something in regard to older kids and XWH "winning". Sadly infidelity is so destructive to families that there really are no winners - only survivors. And the WS and AP aren't included in that typically.

It's been almost 3 yrs since Dday, the day that I and our entire family was blindsided with this crazy mess.

Yesterday I spent the day w my SD20, XWH's daughter. She has almost no relationship w her dad and the last time she saw him told him, when he mentioned OW's name his now wife, that he wasn't to mention her name to her ever.

I was proud of her honesty but really it broke my heart that this child was put in this position. And it fuels my anger once again.

My point is that sadly our kids get it, because they know right from wrong and they have been betrayed too. It's incredibly sad but true, and I pray that they are able to navigate thru it and not let it affect their future relationships negatively.

notmychoice posted 11/4/2013 06:22 AM

both my kids are teenagers. After d day they were so hurt and angry but they still saw their dad. then they found out he was lying to them about where he lived. he was still with the ow but denied it. he was living in her house in another city. he was cruel to them as well. getting angry at them because they were super angry. he could not take responsibility. the kids gave the ultimatum and he chose the ow. he said in the future he would break up with her and then he would like the kids back in his life. you would think anewday78 that it would be a no-brainer for most but he is thinking with his dick. my kids have no contact at all with him. he sends the odd text but they never respond. my heart is breaking for them. I am an adult and will learn to deal with this mess but they are the true victims in this story. I told my stbx if he wants a relationship with the kids he must go to ic in hopes that he finds out that he is the adult and the parent and the kids are not responsible for making this right! he thinks that they need to be making an effort as much as he should be. narcissist fool.

notmychoice posted 11/4/2013 06:23 AM

I do thank you all for all of your responses. it helps so much to read them. I am new to this and have never written to msg boards before. I am so worried that the ow will find out I am on here. is there a way that she can find me?

anewday78 posted 11/4/2013 09:05 AM

I think you should focus on getting yourself to a happy and healthy mental and emotional state. If you're happy and healthy, your children will see that and it will rub off on them. You and the children cannot, as hurtful as it is, allow your stbxh's decision to stay with or leave ow dictate your mental and emotional health moving forward. Realize that he's only dicating his own future happiness - not yours. The faster you can find comfort in a life without him, the faster you will move on, find somebody new (if that's what you desire), and forget all about him. He'll be the one left out in the cold and he'll have nobody to thank but himself. If and when he whines and cries about how he's alone and how the children are choosing you over him - you'll have the satisfaction of telling him that their choice is a direct result of the poor choice he made when he chose the ow over his own children.

hummingbird8 posted 11/4/2013 09:55 AM

This is also a good lesson for children to learn they can't control other people's decisions.

Can you insist he go to counseling etc? Sure but that doesn't mean he will. Can your kids say they won't have a relationship with him if he's with OW? Yes but he may choose that anyway. We can't control other people.

If they decide never to talk to him again because of his choices will they regret it? I think so. Have you let your children know YOU support them having a relationship with their dad no matter who he is with? I think that goes a long way in healing the children.

No matter what he did in the marriage he is their father. No matter what my ex did to me and it was an abusive marriage, he is a good dad and I have always encouraged the kids relationship with him. We all healed much better for it. Our kids are doing great.

LAFA posted 11/4/2013 10:14 AM

Si is anonymous for very good reasons. If you haven't told your WS about being on here and given him your username, there is virtually no chance she will find you.

notmychoice posted 11/4/2013 22:03 PM

I need to make it clear that even though I don't want to share the kids I told the kids that I would never come between them and their dad. I tell them all the time that they will want a relationship with him in the future even if right now they don't. I never want them to think that I prevented them from being with their dad. I don't want them to be hurt anymore.

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