None of these things prevent him from a relationship with the church. It's not up to you to keep up a farce- he's the one who strayed and destroyed his own reputation. Don't rugsweep for him.
"If only I can fight just a little longer, I know it's gonna make me stronger" Jamie Grace-Holding on.
Is he remorseful (secular meaning here) and repentant (religious)? Since he's apparently so concerned with image, compared to reality, I assume he's not.
Have you outed him to your priest in confidence?
Can you say, 'I'll stop looking at you with contempt when you do something to earn a different look'?
Definitely ask him to sit elsewhere, so the lightning doesn't singe you and DDs when it strikes!
This is a perfect opportunity to confide in your priest and ask for his guidance in how to handle this situation. If WH gets outed in the process, too bad. If WH's a believer, he should have already confessed his adultery to his priest.
Double Betrayal D-Day 7/26/2013
He's still showing he's concerned about himself. Not about you, not even the kids.
If he wants to go to church, I'm sure there are many others he can choose from.
What I'm more concerned about is that it seems nobody in your church knows. It should be a support system for you. I'm so sorry that it seems that you're all alone in this, even to the point of having to put on a happy face in the one place you should be able to find comfort and support.
My church is my safe place. I need to be safe there. I cannot be safe with him there. I need the people I have built a community with there to support me. Further, I will not live a lie, nor will I allow myself to be used to perpetuate a lie. And finally, I would not permit my children to be emotionally confused every single Sunday.
If you enjoy the mass you currently attend and don't want to go elsewhere, tell him to pick another mass OR you will let everyone know who he really is and what he's done.
Sorry you can't even escape this hurtful madness to attend mass. Geez!
I don't know your story and don't know how regretful your WS is but if he has not been I do believe that this is the one place that maybe something at some time will get to him. Go to church is a good thing. Something he needs to do. It is were he needs to be. Faith is a postive. Family is a postive. Maybe it will sink in.
Church has been the one thing that has helped my WS to see what he has done and to do better.
Love kills slowly.
I had stopped going after DDay, and for a couple months I did not attend church with WW as we were living apart. About three weeks after DdAy, and without my prompting, my wife went to her pastor and told him about her affair. She then went before the church during a monthly business meeting and confessed to everyone... all 100 or so church members.
Well, the support for her was overwhelming and I started getting calls from church members asking me to come back. After she moved back home I started going with her again.
What is amazing is that after that happened, two more people, one guy and one lady, came forward to confess they had cheated on their spouses.
Ruby44 I think you should go to your priest and tell him the issue, so that he is aware of what is going on.
Divorcing her sorry a--.
Here's another true story: Several years before my H's EA, we attended a church where the pastor made a public announcement about a man who attended our church, and wasn't there that day (His BW was there.) The pastor told us, the man was having an A. The man's BW had told the pastor what was happening. The pastor had a meeting with the WH and told him to stop the A, and come back to his BW. The man refused, so the pastor asked him to stop coming to church, outed him to the congregation and asked people in the congregation to not fellowship with him unless he repented. That left the man to his own devices, and made the church a safe and supportive place for his BW.
I respected that pastor greatly. He tried to persuade the man to stop his sin, but when the man refused, the pastor was strong enough to do a 180, and instruct the entire congregation to do it too (he didn't use those terms, I learned them here on SI.)
I disagree that a person can stop another from sinning. Even if you could tie them up so they don't physically sin, you can't control their mind or heart and stop them from having sinful thoughts and desires.
One can set up some boundaries, so another's refusal to stop sinning won't overflow into certain areas of your own life.
If your priest doesn't have the guts or authority to ask your WH to stop attending his church, you can ask the priest to tell your WH to not sit with your family, so you can worship without distraction.
Have you asked your friends at church to pray for you and your H? How is it that those people don't know about the A? They should be the ones who offer you the most support. They can't help you if you don't tell them your needs.
edited: glaringly bad typos again.
[This message edited by HurtButHopeful? at 1:01 PM, November 4th (Monday)]
His Needs Her Needs by Willard Harley
Love Busters by Willard Harley
(for husbands) Becoming the Ultimate Husband by Reb Bradley
This exactly. He ruined his rep and his family by cheating. Is he showing up to mass because of his relationship with God or because he's trying save face? Either way...you don't owe him a thing. Sit elsewhere or with friends if possible. OR, attend a different church. Whatever's best for you ((HUGS))
working towards D...I can't pretend anymore
**If I edit I'm correcting a typo!**