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Moral responsibility to OW because he screwed her?!

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naivewife posted 11/3/2013 11:06 AM

Am I the only one dealing with this? I was WH's one and only before he started screwing OW. When we talk about the risk of him allowing her to break NC, he says that he's never had a former sex partner "out there" and his only concern is that because he feels a responsibility toward her, this is the only thing that scares him about NC. He says that otherwise the thought of ever speaking to her sickens him, but he's afraid his KISA tendency would kick in. So because my cheating husband has such high moral values, our marriage is at risk. How do I deal with this? It's so sickening and baffling that his morals might place the well being of this nasty woman who tried to destroy his family over his own family. Is there another human being out there that thinks like that? Screwing someone means a lifelong responsibility towards them, even greater than the responsibility towards your wife and children?

Dark Inertia posted 11/3/2013 11:12 AM

That is probably one of the dumbest shit I have ever heard in my entire life. I have slept with a number of people in my life, my moral responsibility to them is zilch. He should just focus on the person he is married to, rather than someone he slept with in the past. That is like me saying I have some sort of responsibility to my ex husband because I slept with him. Fuck that!

BTW, did you ask him where were his high moral values were when he decided to cheat, hmm?

Frankly, methinks he is making excuses to justify broken NC in the future. This is one of those "da fuq?" things that someone who cheated may say. Seriously, don't let him bulldoze you with dumbassery.

[This message edited by Dark Inertia at 11:19 AM, November 3rd (Sunday)]

SisterMilkshake posted 11/3/2013 11:14 AM

This has nothing to do with morals but everything to do with the insecurity of your WH. His KISA. His extreme need to be needed.

Is there another human being out there that thinks like that? Screwing someone means a lifelong responsibility towards them, even greater than the responsibility towards your wife and children?
IDK. This is the first time I read about this here at SI.

mixedintherut posted 11/3/2013 11:15 AM

Yeah, no I don't think so! I don't think he gets it yet! Where was his morals while he was cheating on his wife!?

Edit to add, the only thing screwing someone leads to a life long responsibility is if a child is involved. Even then, some would argue that the responsibility lies to the child.

[This message edited by mixedintherut at 11:16 AM, November 3rd (Sunday)]

painandgrief posted 11/3/2013 11:18 AM

Please know you're not alone. My asshole WH had the nerve to be worried about how she would handle the end of their "relationship". Never mind the fact that he has 2 wonderful children and a wife he just about killed with his poor decision making.

The worst for me was after he finally broke it off after 2 weeks of telling me and the MC he wasn't sure what he wanted, if he wanted to stay married, pursue a relationship with this tramp who knew he was married and had kids, or be alone...I then caught him texting her from behind closed doors because he was worried about her.

Are you kidding me? Worried about her? What a bastard and an idiot. Had the nerve to tell me that and he didn't realize how screwed up that was.

They really don't know what the hell they are doing. What sucks is we have to deal with their nonsense and our devastation while their heads are in the sand.

SoAngryAndHurt posted 11/3/2013 11:18 AM

I've never heard of anything like that before. Never. Ever.

TheAmazingWondertwin posted 11/3/2013 11:18 AM

I understand what you are saying. My husbands EA meant that they had an emotional bond- and I knew he felt responsibility for that. It terrified me. And before I demanded NC as part of our R agreement, he did take a few calls from her and respond to her texts. He felt bad.
She played a little emotional blackmail game when he went NC. I have repeated myself often- anytime I think he may be forgetting- that NC means NC at all and it's a deal breaker.
Here is why-
I told him I know how he gets and he would feel responsible towards her. He wouldn't want to be seen as the bad guy. Excuse me while I vomit in my mouth a little.
Anyway- I told him that I am his only priority now. I deserve all of his concern and responsibility. He betrayed me by giving away what was mine and I will be damned if she gets any of it now. True remorse means you will do whatever I need to heal. She is not a factor, nor are her feelings.
If he feels bad that he "abandoned" her or "led her on" then that is his guilt to work through. I would not/will not allow him to "smooth" things over with her to ease his own guilty conscience.
He lost his "good guy" card when he had the A. End of story. Not wanting to hurt someone else is not an excuse, reason, whatever. He hurt me. And will not do it again If he wants to stay. By acknowledging her and reaching out to her- he is betraying me all over again. His eyes are open, I am available if he is having a hard time, so there is no excuse for reconnecting with her. None.

Feels bad he may have hurt her? tough sh$!.

Nothing makes me angrier than hearing how he feels bad that she is hurting. Thankfully, he hasn't said that since early early on.

I know this may not answer your question- an I apologize if its a ramble- but I just wanted you to know that I understand how you feel.
Wishing you peace.

gonnabe2016 posted 11/3/2013 11:25 AM

So because my cheating husband has such high moral values, our marriage is at risk.

And ^^^this is one of the reasons that the word "crazy-making" came into existence.....

hopingforhappy posted 11/3/2013 11:39 AM

My FWH stayed in touch with OW for about a month after Dday--unbeknownst to me. He said it was because she didn't have anybody else and he felt bad for her. Yeah. He had the whole KISA, not wanting to be a bad guy thing going in full force. When I found out, I made him stop contacting her.

When he wouldn't respond to her anymore, she proceeded to go crazy. She eventually had him fired from his job and filed a complaint with his professional licensing agency to have him sanctioned. Luckily, there was no basis to the claim, but it took months of stress and thousands of dollars to clear up.

I still look back on it and wonder why he felt sorry for her for even a minute. She certainly had no fond feelings for him, even though she claimed to love him. She just wanted to control him. Because she saw those KISA tendencies and understood how to manipulate them. She was using him from the very beginning and he was too stupid to see it. Because he is such a nice guy. . . . he thinks everybody else is nice too.

The whole thing is so unbelievable and the many stories that you read here are equally unbelievable, but sadly true. There is a lot of messed up thinking out there. I am sorry that you are having to deal with it, naivewife.

P.S. I love your user name. I felt like a naive wife, too.

sinsof thefather posted 11/3/2013 11:56 AM

he feels a responsibility toward her,

That right there is him breaking mental NC. Does he seriously think you should just accept this? I think it's a complete cop out. He needs to work on his boundaries and start breaking the link he still feels towards the OW. Feeling 'responsible' for her is just him keeping his connection alive with her - no matter what he says to justify it. It's a feeling (he says that himself) and what he should be doing is be actively working on erasing any 'feelings' he still has for her - not trying to make excuses for them.

[This message edited by sinsof thefather at 12:04 PM, November 3rd (Sunday)]

Marathonwaseasy posted 11/3/2013 12:02 PM

My fwh stayed in this fog for about a week post dday. It lifted and now he realises what a low life she is. She's not letting go so we have to go down a legal route and this May impact on her badly. We both feel a bit sorry for her kids but mainly because they're screwed anyway having such a witch as a mother. But no his loyalty is to me and she needs to know that. As does your WH. Otherwise he can forget any chance of R

Take2 posted 11/3/2013 12:08 PM

This sounds like a semantic twist of a common theme, IMHO, he is just couching it in words that sound altruistic.

His moral obligation is obviously to set things right in his marriage and create a hedge of protection around his relationship wherein his wife is safe. His moral obligation is to accept the guilt that his actions crushed his wife and work to repair it.

Now. He can man up and prioritize the marriage, or he can continue to be a selfish and seek his own gratification. His statement unfortunately is leaning toward the latter.

It is a no brainer that his involvement in the A did the OW no favors (not that she is innocent), but she is likely more damaged now than before - and will be even more damaged should he contact her ever again. If he intends to save his M - any contact with her is just dragging out her pain. But you see - KISA tendencies aren't really about rescuing the damsel - they are about "seeing" yourself as a hero - purely SELFISH.

Regardless of the words used - what his statement tells you is that he has not slammed that door shut, let alone locked it and thrown away the key. He has not prioritized the M, or your feelings, above and beyond all others and thus the M is not (yet) a safe place for you. And in his head, he is still justifying the A, and seeing her as an innocent party and likely as a plan B.

That's my read on this. ((naivewife)) I hope he "gets it" soon.

[This message edited by Take2 at 12:09 PM, November 3rd (Sunday)]

painfulpast posted 11/3/2013 12:08 PM

Most people have former sex partners out there. You know what is owed to them? NOTHING

Does OW owe your H something too? Are we all indebted to everyone we had sex with for the rest of our lives? NO, NO, NO

Your H has his head in a tight spot, and I don't mean the back of a volkswagon. He needs to wake up and realize that his obligations are to YOU. You and your children. His family is all that should matter. That is who he needs to worry about.

twokids posted 11/3/2013 12:11 PM

Yup, my WH said he felt responsibility toward OW#1, and I have the ddays and false R to prove it.

It was just his way of telling me that he was still in love with her. And a way for him to justify to himself his continued contact with her, even though he had sworn to me that he would be monogamous.

In retrospect, it should have been a red flag that he was cake-eating. He wanted us both, and wasn't man enough to be honest about it with either of us. So he told me he loved me and wanted to be with me and that he felt responsible towards her.

He used crazy making as a way to manipulate me and her. Despite his words to the contrary, he didn't love either of us, as he isn't capable of mature love.

Kelany posted 11/3/2013 12:27 PM

What the blue fuck?

HurtsButImOK posted 11/3/2013 16:50 PM

Different take to add here. I am the BS, I tried to keep as much dignity as possible during my break up because I was under the impression that I was his 'first' (both sex and LTGF wise).

When I left X I tried to keep it dignified, communication open (even though it was all blame shift and gas lighting). I was meticulous at being fair during our break up. I didn't want to be a bad memory (associated with me believing I was his first sexual partner). I made life easy for him due to this sense of obligation. The only thing he had to purchase after our split was cutlery and plates. He kept everything else. It cost me at least $5K to refit out a home for myself. It was important to me then that I end the 'relationship' with good memories.

Fast forward to me realising that he has lied to me the entire relationship, I no longer believe I was his 'first'. He used this as a means of control. I regret everyday not going nuclear on him as he deserved. The only thing that held me back was a misplaced sense of obligation. That misplaced obligation has cost me a lot in both $ and sanity.

Long story short I understand feeling responsible for someone but that doesn't excuse shitty behaviour.

cantgetup posted 11/3/2013 17:02 PM

I feel like he is still connected to her or he wouldn't feel that way and certainly wouldn't say that. Either they are still in contact, he's still pining for her, he is going through the breakup blues or he has no remorse. None of which bodes well for your marriage. My H immediately erased the OW from his brain the minute of discovery. No contact, no defending her, no talking about her and A in any positive light--nothing. Now he ain't no angel as he had the A, but if he had said what your H is saying, I would have walked.

befuzzled110 posted 11/3/2013 17:10 PM

Uh...sounds like he is making excuses and that he hasn't put you and your needs, and your need to heal (which is THE most important thing) at the forefront. If he had any "morals" at all he would realize that he has no "obligations" to OW, especially if he wishes to reconcile.... I have had other sexual partners, and I do not feel a "moral" need to them. They are not who my loyalty lies with. This is just bull. Read "Not just friends" with your WH. It may just shed some light on things for him.

BeautifulEmpty posted 11/3/2013 17:13 PM

I haven't read all the posts yet so forgive me if thus has been said already but...gently...honey, you are still acting like your screen name if you are buying his load of horseshit.

I realize he is likely very confused but that doesn't mean you have to take it.

Like Dark Inertia said, I've had several partners in my time....and I don't feel like I owe them anything nor them me.
He's weirdly elevating the OW to a sacred platform that is yours alone. I understand what you are meaning by 'his morals' causing this too...generally speaking, he holds his wife in a place of honor..or at least, that was/is his goal (nvm that whole 'cheating' thing there >.<) and now that he's spread his 'sacred act' to someone else, he thinks he owes her a platform of honor.
No, he does not!
All that grand morality should have been focused on you and the VOWS he made to YOU.
he owes ow nothing except crickets.
If he does ANYTHING different, then he is still cheating....unless you are down for a polygamous relationship but somehow, I don't think that's what you signed up for nor want now. Correct me if I'm wrong.

[This message edited by BeautifulEmpty at 5:19 PM, November 3rd (Sunday)]

HardenMyHeart posted 11/3/2013 17:21 PM

the thought of ever speaking to her sickens him, but he's afraid his KISA tendency would kick in.

I agree with the others. He's snowing you big time.

(((naivewife))) So sorry.

[This message edited by HardenMyHeart at 5:27 PM, November 3rd (Sunday)]

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