It's been a struggle to continue this relationship with WH lately. Maybe it's just the whole second year thing, but I don't think so.
I've had some revelations/realizations recently. And WH slipped and lied to me. Not a lie of omission- a deliberate lie. Lying is on the boundary list we agreed on a year ago.
I've believed for some time that WH is a pathological liar. No proof or diagnosis, just my thought after living with someone who lies about stupid things as well as important things and destroys us in the process-time and time again. Oh, he always makes promises to never do it again. Then I catch him.
So revelation one is that WH will always lie to me.
At this point I realize I can't ever have a true relationship with him as it would be dangerous to me. He says he's working on lying and that he's better. He's working on it in therapy, this is true. If you can't trust someone, you can't believe in the relationship and look towards a future, right? There can't be respect either.
When we have talks, WH says I am not looking at the positive- that everything is a negative. He says I live in a "black and white world". I say I live in the world of morality.
I've had a couple of days of "downtime" due to an injury, and haven't been able to get out and switch gears and distract my depressed thinking.
So here goes:
WH would love me to look toward the future and less at the past. I've thought a lot about the difference between how a Wayward is encouraged to move on and improve their deficiencies and learn skills to become a "safe person" for their Betrayed. It seems as though they look into the 'whys' of their cheating and yet put emphasis on improvement of the current and future self (id) -becoming the spouse their Betrayed deserves, if you will. Actually I'd love to know the "why?" of how he threw everything away so easily.
Meanwhile, as a Betrayed, I am processing the lies, facts, semi truths (depending on what the Betrayed is given) of the past first. So, while WH is working on future behavior improvement, and some present, I am working on processing what the facts of my past are, and some of the present. The future, for me, is not of consequence yet since I haven't even decided if it will include WH. Plus, I can't even see the future due to dealing with the crap I have on my plate, served up by WH.
It seems like these two very different techniques only overlap a bit in the present dealings of the BS and the WS. Unfortunately, that's where the pain lives. The doubts, the fear, the blows to self esteem. Not just for the BS, but for the WS as well. Not all WS have these, but I think the remorseful ones who are doing the work feel them.
This is rambling, but I wanted to ask if anyone else was feeling this way? That the difference in how Waywards and Betrayeds process may also cause each to point to the other and say, "You aren't dealing with what has been done to me adequately and want me to forget and just move on!" versus, "You aren't noticing that I'm improving myself, and becoming a safe person for you and you only want to rehash the past and blame me!"
Too much time on the couch maybe.