I really want to make my marriage work, all pain and deceit aside. I'm afraid that I might be holding us back with my behaviors. Any words of wisdom or advice would be greatly appreciated.
That obsession fades over time, but it's very normal and can last quite a while. I'm 3 years out nearly, and I still occasionally look at her FB page. Mostly now to see if she's dropping hints for my H like she used to, but I do look.
It can hold you back because it brings that pain back to the surface and makes us raw and defensive, but my personal opinion is that we need to do what we need to do. I had an IC ask me why I looked, and if I thought things would be better if I stopped. He then suggested that I try to 'not look for a week'. This was about 7 months post DDay. I told him I wasn't going to not look, and I knew it wasn't good for me, and I didn't care so we could just work on me knowing that I'm doing that. He smiled and moved on. Obsessing about OW, the details of the A, the things that happened in the M during the A - all normal.
It's normal. You're normal.
Former 80s Icon wishful thinking
Second, obsession with the ap is common. The fact that you know it could be a problem makes me think you'll stop within a reasonable amount of time. My guess is you should post about this again in 2-3 months, if you're still concerned - only because obsession might be, but probably isn't, a problem 4-6 months out.
You probably focus on ow so as to avoid feeling your own grief, rage, and/or fear from being betrayed. When you start to check up on ow, it might be beneficial in the long run to check your own feelings. My own experience was that focusing my anger on ow allowed me to hide my anger at my W - and after all, my beef was with my W, not with ow. It's highly probable that ow seduced my W, but that doesn't mean ow is to blame. After all, my W could have said 'No' at many points.
Healing comes from dealing with your own feelings, no matter what they are, and with your relationship with your H. WRT recovery and R, ow is really irrelevant.
Third, have you outed ow to her BF? He really deserves to know, if only to know that he needs STD testing. Alas, so do you and your H. (In truth, I just made my W get tested. Since she's negative for everything except HPV, I've skipped it - I just don't want my doc to think either my W or I have heated.)
Welcome to SI. Sorry you're here, but since you've been cheated on, I'm glad you found us. There's lots of support available here.
A note - It's up to you to choose what to do with the counsel you get from SIers. You'll get support here, whether you accept or reject the advice you get, and I don't think I've ever seen an 'I told you so'.
I guess it's normal as we are all doing it at this stage.
[This message edited by Marathonwaseasy at 1:10 PM, November 3rd (Sunday)]
"We're not broken, just bent. We can learn to love again."
Sisoon, i think you're right. I am channeling my anger and dealing with it this way, rather than really focusing on it and dealing with the true emotions. we've both been tested since finding out, thankfully.
I haven't told her boyfriend. Believe me, I really wanted to... But I wasn't sure if I should, if it was counter productive because it would keep it all going? Or if I shouldn't because my motives were not at all about that poor guy not knowing, only because I wanted to shatter her life.
I am literally obsessed with her
This stopped for me when I finally really embraced the concept that the A had nothing to do with me. It was all about him. And by extension it wasn't really about her either.
She could have been anyone.
Having said that, know that we all go through this phase and it's completely normal.
Lillygirl, it's nice to know I'm not alone. And I know it solves nothing... I don't feel better after seeing her. I just can't help it.
In the first months after DDay, I was obsessed with research. My BF had erased almost all of their email exchanges, but I went into supers sleuth mode and found records from skype, old cell phones, facebook... I went to her FB page and her twitter feed and noted what she posted and commented and when... I put all this data into a timeline. At first it felt good - I was finally able to piece together a picture by myself that my BF couldn't or wouldn't show.
But after some time, the sleuthing and checking up on her yielded fewer and fewer insights. Soon I wasn't learning anything about the A, I was just straight stalking her. And it was a trigger for me, one that I seemed to be addicted to. I would check on her and then feel miserable.
So I scale back. I focus on myself, on our R, on the present. I know I'll slip back into checking up on her sometimes, but I'm trying to be careful not to let it take too much of my time and energy.