One thing holding me up, I don't want my spouse to have the new and improved me. What? You stabbed me in the back and I'm charged with becoming a Better person?
Anyone else struggle with this? Ideally, the spouses should want to be on the same team. I can do this superficially all day long. In my heart though. I can't do it. Yet. I wonder if this becomes a choice! Or do wait for the feeling?
me (WW/BS): 48
4 kiddos in mid 20's
“Never be so focused on what you're looking for that you overlook the thing you actually find.”
"We're not broken, just bent. We can learn to love again."
This has been a thought in my head all through R (just over 1 year now). I have struggled with this.
The way you have phrased it has given me a new perspective.
One thing holding me up, I don't want my spouse to have the new and improved me.
I have certainly had this thought, many days. He had a great woman, and a great marriage, and he chose to piss it all away for a cheap thrill. Now I am supposed to pick myself up and dust myself off, and most difficult of all I am supposed to try to be the woman I was before all of this...so he can have that wonderful wife back? ...And this is how my thinking goes.
Now seeing you, post it here in black and white, I think I can now begin to see that I don't need to do that for HIM, but why would I deny all of the other people in my life, who have loved me well (Mother, Friends, Children) the strongest most beautiful and joyful version of myself ? Why should I deny myself the pleasure of going through life with HER?
Yet I wonder if this becomes a choice! Or do wait for the feeling?
Thank you rachelc. You gave me the kick in the pants I needed today.
[This message edited by toughernow at 3:23 PM, November 3rd (Sunday)]
Married 23 years - together for 29 years
DDay - June 10th 2012 then TT'd-June 2012 - July 2012 (and beyond????)
2 amazing children
"Understanding love is one of the hardest things in life." - Fred Rogers
I am changing for myself. The fact that my wife may benefit from this is the icing on the cake. It appears I had a wound from my formative years that I did not process. I am doing that now. It does SUCK to be charged with doing this while I process through the pain my wife inflicted on me.... But if I don't, the risk of adopting a "victim mentality" for life increases . And accepting that alternative is more uncomfortable then the pain I am currently in.
I get your reluctance surrounding your spouse...how he gets a better you...like it is a reward for some dreadful behavior ( some exports say adultery is among the worst pain a person can inflict on another).
Gently, your husband is not the only one who will benefit if you achieve new, healthy, permanent growth. Our kids, our extended family members, friends and co-workers, even complete strangers will benefit from this.
If we set into motion a mode of self improvement and are committed to radical honesty and living authentically....how could that do anything but improve the small amount of the world we have influence over? If we resist this change and we don't see our own weakness's, our spouses are not the only ones that will suffer.
It is said that love is the purest, strongest motivator of healthy change we possess. I pray for all affected by adultery that they open their hearts and learn to love again.
As a BS their are times I feel my heart is nothing but scar tissue....very contracted, ugly, and lacking feeling. But, at 14 months out I see this feeling was a truth of the moment. My heart is still vibrant and desires to love again. I can see it is not as scarred as I once believed .
May God be with all of us.
[This message edited by blakesteele at 3:32 PM, November 3rd (Sunday)]
I ask in seriousness. I think I am a very simple man...don't believe I can be both of these at once. BUT I read where some people, particularly se women can "multi task emotionally"....so my whole post may only resonate with simple people.
God be with us all.
I've been working on this for 3.5 years. I'm a better friend, mother, daughter and employee
The pain has not been for nothing.
That's what you were given. It's what we were all given, the chance to open ourselves up wide to the possibility of becoming greater than we were. It's not the route I would have taken to get here if I were actually given a choice, but it's the one I was given.
I don't know if you will be able to extend this gift to him eventually, hell I don't know if I will be able to extend this gift to my fWH, but in the meantime we take our victories where we can.
[This message edited by toughernow at 3:45 PM, November 3rd (Sunday)]
Blake- I feel I can do this for my kids as they are out of the house and there isn't much action where we're all together..,,
[This message edited by AML04 at 6:40 PM, November 3rd (Sunday)]
I tell him that he had me at my best and cheated, and now he loves me even more despite me being at my worst - a fallout of his behavior that I can't seem to change no matter how hard I try.
Such a messed up situation - and I totally understand how you feel.
“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken.” -CS Lewis
It was helpful to read everyone else's replies :)
"But I will hold on hope, and I won't let you choke on that noose around your neck."
I realized today in a conversation I was having with WH where he was seeing the glass half empty and I refused to see it that way. I saw it as half full and I realized today that is how I see most things. I had to find my way back to myself and love myself. I am a survivor! We all are!
Regardless of what your wayward spouse may or may not deserve, don't you deserve to be the best version of yourself? Healing isn't for anyone other than you. Sure, maybe someone else gains some ancillary benefits from whatever personal growth in which you've been forced to partake. But you get to decide who that person is. You don't have to share your changes with anyone other than the one that actually deserves it. If your spouse doesn't deserve all that you've done? Then you have an answer to a different question.
As I think about our marriage...specifically, as I spent time in IC...I was "forced" to ask myself tough questions. "Why was blakesteele willing to stay in a M that was unfulfilling?" "Why did blakesteele react so poorly (ie: no rage, overly compassionate to my wife) upon my DD?".
As I answer these questions my counselor warned it is tough work. You may find out you are not compatible to your mate. My wife may decide she doesn't like the way you change...who you become.
How do I balance this concern ? My wife is also changing and growing. I think this is a key to R....recognizing change on both sides is needed. If a BS is truly completely healthy then the inequality between them and their BS will forever be a blocker to R....just not sure how such a relationship can grow into a healthy M.
[This message edited by blakesteele at 7:08 AM, November 6th (Wednesday)]