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Triggering badly, friend having A

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dindy posted 11/3/2013 14:45 PM

I discovered that my best friend is having an A with a man who is her landlord.

She moved onto his boat only one month ago whilst his long-term partner of 25 years is working away for 6 months. My friend didn't even know this man beforehand.

At first she told me what great sex she is having with him and I had completely forgotten he has a partner. I was saying how great it was as she hasn't had sex in months as she has recently returned from travelling and is pretty unsettled. She seems to want to be leading a pretty hedonistic lifestyle at the moment.

Then she started saying that it doesn't matter that he has a partner as she is harming nobody.

This led us to having a very frank conversation and I told her I felt very uncomfortable as I know that my xWs's OW didn't give a shit about the fact that I was pregnant with my second child.

I let my friend know exactly what I thought and left not long after.

Then yesterday morning after I had some time to reflect on what my friend told me I began questioning my friends actions. I just don't get it. If she is only using this man for sex then why not go and find a single man to sleep with? She also admitted to texting another guy who has a girlfriend that she had dreamt about him!


I've been friends with this woman for about 13 years and I love her to bits but I really don't know how I can be ok with what she is doing. It is just too raw for me.

And now I have just logged onto fb and was deleting some old messages. I came across the 3 messages I sent to OW's BGF when I told her of ex's and OW's A.

At the time the BGF blocked me and now she has posted a picture of her and OW looking very happy.

This is making me trigger so much as it confirms even more that OW never gave a shit about my ex even though he told me they loved each other and he even said to me he would be with OW now except that he is respecting her wishes to make a go of her relationship with her BGF.

I'm completely in bits again.

How can people be so cruel and think it's a game to play with people's lives?

It's a fucking cruel game!

Sorry for the ramble.

Raven96 posted 11/3/2013 14:54 PM

You're not rambling. Your friend is in a situation that you have had to deal with in the past on the opposite side of the fence. Of course you're triggering!

I really think that there are people out there that break up marriages/relationships for sport. They don't realize the devastation they cause, or they just don't care.

The most you can do is, if you know the landlord's partner or know how to get a hold of her, you could maybe get a message to her that her partner has a new roommate of the opposite sex in her absence.

The least you can do is walk away from this "friend" altogether to keep yourself from triggering and from associating with such a toxic person.

You're right...if it is just about sex, why not find someone single. Since she is living with one guy with an SO and texting another with the the same, I'd say she really does wreck relationships on purpose. Run away from that friendship!!


Holly-Isis posted 11/3/2013 15:29 PM

At first all I could think was that as soon as the partner comes back, he's tossing her to the curb like the piece of @$$ he's probably using her as.

She's nosing around another guy now...I'm thinking she must really have some sort of issues. It's like she's trying to prove she's good enough to distract a man from his SO. Or maybe that she doesn't deserve someone of her own. Sabotaging a relationship before it starts maybe?

No wonder you're triggering. Your seeing an unremorseful OW in the shape of a woman you consider a friend.

painfulpast posted 11/3/2013 15:31 PM

What is going on with your friend? You've known her for 13 years, and she saw the devastation of your XH's affair. She knows how unbelievably selfish it is firsthand. So why is she suddenly behaving this way? I assume she hasn't done this before, so why now?

Did she recently end a relationship? Did she lose a parent? A job? Something in her must have snapped for her to do this.

I have to say, if my best friend did this, and didn't realize what she was doing after I spoke to her and stop these actions, she wouldn't be my friend any longer, and yes, I would tell the OBS.

Your friend has gone from what I assume is a normal woman to an OW for fun overnight. How sickening. I'm sorry that you're dealing with this.

dindy posted 11/3/2013 16:04 PM

My friend was in NZ during DDay and only returned in May this year. So she hasn't seen firsthand the destruction caused and the mess I was in trying to cope and look after two small children.

She's been very unsettled since she came back. She spilt up with her ex last year in NZ and until last month was living at her mums house.

It's weird as she is a very fiesty and fiery woman who has a lot of anger inside. She's not afraid to speak her mind.

But when she returned earlier this year she was so much more compassionate than she has ever been before. This was from doing a lot of meditating whilst travelling. She never said a bad word about ex which was weird as usually she would be my first friend to hate him. Though that has since changed.

When she saw my ex in May she gave him a hug as she didn't know what else to do. This made me feel really uncomfortable as I know it would have made him feel great, like he's not really done anything wrong.

She did say to me that she wished she hadn't have hugged ex. She even looked after my DS last week whilst I went to work and knew that ex would be picking DS up from mine. She did make a point of saying that there is no way she would hug ex again.

I think a lot of her anger is coming back as she doesn't know what she wants to do now. And since she started sleeping with this guy she's been getting really drunk and taking loads of coke with him and his friends. Though she has taken a lot of drugs in her life and I've taking many too with her in our earlier days!

I think I just need to give her a wide berth for a while. A mutual friend of ours is visiting her next weekend. She doesn't yet know any of this so I can't yet talk to her about it.

I don't want to lose her as a friend but I'm just not ready to have this kind of thing rubbed in my face.

Raven96: The guys partner knows that a lodger was going to move in though I don't know if she knows she's a woman. The partner is currently working in the Ukraine and I have no way of contacting her, though I don'y know if I would want to do that to my friend.

I should also mention that the guys 27 year old DD (from a previous relationship) lives on the boat too a few days a week. My friend gets on really well with her and I really don't think that his DD would take this news very well.

Thinkingtoomuch posted 11/3/2013 16:07 PM

Are you sure she hasn't done this before? Something about the way she talked about it makes me think she has felt this way for a long time and that just maybe she's done it before. I don't know but...just sayin...

I have a friend who I rarely see anymore that I know she was with MM when we were much younger. Never thought about it then (boy was I naive!) and never really put 2 and 2 together before, but it was 20+ years ago and now I see the light. I just don't think I really want to get our friendship up and going again, although she's been fishing. I don't want to "get into it" with her and besides, we're both different people now and I don't want to talk to anyone and try to constantly explain how I feel about anything. In other words like other still healing BS's--I don't want no shit !!

I would trigger badly like you too. Good luck.

I posted this before I saw your last comments. Hmm, I'll have to think more about this, but may hold to my above remarks...

[This message edited by Thinkingtoomuch at 4:11 PM, November 3rd (Sunday)]

burnedcanuckEMS posted 11/3/2013 16:09 PM

One of my best friends was also heading towards an affair (was definitely an EA in my opinion). This was with a guy we work with, and to make matters worse, her husband also,works for the same company. Once I noticed what was going on I flat out told her I was not ok with what was going on, especially being a BS myself. Things continued to escalate but to my knowledge it never developed into a PA. In any case, other coworkers began to notice and talk. No one could talk any sense into her until the boss of the fella she had her sights on noticed what was going on. To my knowledge he completely lost it and said he wouldn't stand by and watch a marriage get broken up at work. This boss hauled both of them into an office and basically intervened in the situation. This caused an immediate end of the EA! I couldn't be happier and when I talk to her about it she still maintains she would never cheat on her husband. As good of a friend as she is, I cannot understand her train of thought, maybe she is a bit of a sociopath and NPD herself? I am not sure but I am glad she was snapped into her senses because I don't think I could have stood by any longer without blowing the whistle on them myself. As for the boss of the area that dealt with it, that man is on a golden pedestal as far as I am concerned and he gives me hope that good, true, moralistic men do exist in this world!!

Thefly559 posted 11/3/2013 16:27 PM

I know how you feel very well. Two weeks after D day , my best friend for 30 years , who I introduced to his wife of 20 years , who is also a friend , told me that I should get over it because everyone is doing it ! I said I don't give a shit about everyone , he said even him!!!! He told me he has been sleeping with a married woman who has two kids ! He thought I would feel better about that! Lol. Is he nuts? I haven't spoke to him since , it has been 7 months , and I never will! I do not need friends like this in my life ! So yes I know how you feel and I have no answer. I am sorry.

dindy posted 11/3/2013 16:53 PM

Thank you for your replies.

I feel I definitely need to not have any contact with my friend for a while. I don't want to lose her friendship but I can't deal with this right now.

Other issues from our past concerning someone I was really into have resurfaced and now I'm really seeing my friend as someone who is not that nice on a lot of levels, even though she is great on so many other levels.

I am going to sleep on it and see how I feel in the morning.

Thanks again SI. There is no one I can talk to about this as none of our mutual friends yet know about this.

LeopoldB posted 11/3/2013 19:12 PM

Sometimes, you just have to stand back and let people make mistakes. Like when your kids don't make good life-choices. You still love them, but there is only so much you can do.

In this case, you do not know what understanding your friend's paramour has with his SO. Maybe they both agreed to seek solace with others during their time apart and see what the future holds when she returns. Or maybe not.

It is clear that your friend is going through a phase where she wants to fuck like crazy, God bless her. Other than asking that she not share it quite so openly with you, why does this need to be a significant concern?

I am a BS, but I don't require everyone I know to walk on eggshells when it comes to their own philandering just to spare my feelings.

dindy posted 11/4/2013 01:34 AM

Thank you LeopoldB.

I agree with what you say as I don't want to make her actions all about me.

The guys partner had found out he had slept with someone else just before she left and she is not happy with him, so I don't think they have agreed to an open relationship.

My friend is due to go to Turkey at Xmas to meet a guy she has been in touch with since she was in NZ and she is due to move out of the boat then anyway.

I just hope this doesn't all blow up for her as I have a feeling it is not going to end well.

Also, last week two of his friends who are good friends with his partner stayed on the boat. My friend thinks they heard them having sex as the following morning they were questioning my friend as to whether she knew his partner saying what a great woman she is. So they have already aroused suspicions.

standinghere posted 11/4/2013 02:04 AM

I do not need friends like this in my life !

This says it all....

LeopoldB posted 11/4/2013 12:11 PM

Hence the phrase... "Don't rock the boat."

dindy posted 11/5/2013 06:14 AM

Indeed LeopoldB.

And why I want to give my friend a wide berth!

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