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livebythesea posted 11/3/2013 15:11 PM

It taking place more and more lately, while h and I are having sex, while he is enjoying himself, I lay there thinking about him and his sluts. It completely ruins the moment for me. He is not aware of my thoughts, it is absolutely horrible, and I want them to stop.

Infidelity not only rob us of our relationship, trust it gives us a daily, hourly ... Pure hell torment.

Will these thoughts last forever, does one ever get past this. Is it only a phase.

Bamzor posted 11/3/2013 16:00 PM

It's a fallout that many of us have, but don't talk about. To me they became less frequent or go better on not dwelling on them long. Yes, I still see my wife having sex with another man...not it good way. The effort your spouse is putting into the recovery, has a strong correlation to how frequently they occur and how hard they hit you.

jost1125 posted 11/3/2013 16:14 PM

I'm so sorry you're going through this. ((livebythesea)). This happens to me too. Not the whole time, though. Usually I get hit with it right in the middle, but I just try to concentrate on really feeling him, really appreciating his touches and his kisses and concentrate on how good it feels (I know, it's hard, sometimes when I think this, I just think about how she probably liked it too, or how much he was liking it with her). I tell myself that he loves me, that he wouldn't be here struggling through this shitstorm with me if he didn't, and that's what really matters.

I don't know if this lasts forever-I sure as hell hope not! I would imagine it is just a phase and we will get through it, hang in there.

HardenMyHeart posted 11/3/2013 16:16 PM

Will these thoughts last forever, does one ever get past this. Is it only a phase.

The mind movies were the last major obstacle I faced during R. I thought they would never go away. It took about a year, but I finally got past it.

When they hit, try not to make to big a deal about it. Let your H know you are struggling with this. When I had the mind movies during sex, I would switch my focus to pleasuring my wife (because they would totally kill my arousal).

So sorry you are struggling with this.

heforgotme posted 11/3/2013 16:35 PM

Will these thoughts last forever

Not sure as I'm not at the "forever" point yet, but I can tell you that it gets better.

WH made a big point after DDay about the fact that we were "making love" not just "having sex". That helped alot.

Hang in there.

jo2love posted 11/3/2013 16:46 PM

livebythesea -

Please remember to follow the Recon guidelines when posting.

There is to be no venting about or name calling the OP in this forum.

Thank you.

Sammy2013 posted 11/3/2013 18:39 PM

I feel you livebythesea. I am dealing with this right now too. It usually hits me right when we are starting though. I have to stop him because I have anxiety attacks and can't breathe. He handles them well. Reassures me, tells me we are making love, it was just horrible awkward sex with her, etc. but they are horrible. Someone told me to imagine a big red stop sign when the movies begin, but that isn't working for me. I start IC next week so I'm hoping I can get some ideas on how to make them stop.

morethantrying posted 11/3/2013 18:46 PM

I was just about to post on this myself! For me it is a bit during as well( I even imagine them and get "turned on" in a very weird way....I can only express this strange thing on this forum... how awful is that!!!! Hate myself for thinking and then getting THAT kind of body response!)

Mostly for me it hits me the day after and instead of feeling close and wonderful I feel anxious, even angry and upset...I can't talk to him about it because that would make sex hard for him next time...he would worry (I think) and then not be able to actually have the act as well...the fallout from the affair is really bad.

I am also searching for suggestion for how to handle this...besides time that is...

Myheartstillhurt posted 11/3/2013 19:00 PM


I also got that weird body response thinking of it early on, followed by put repulsion and despair following having sex. I never expressed it to anyone, not even here. I thought I was so strange and weird to have those thoughts.

Being 3+ years out now, I no longer have those thoughts at all, and its only rarely that him having sex with her creeps into my mind. It is more of an acceptance versus an actual emotional response now, and I am able to easily dismiss it.

One thing I learned early on here, is to imagine a stop sign and just have it flash in front of your brain over and over again when those thoughts creep in. Oddly, that helped.

morethantrying posted 11/3/2013 19:30 PM

Myheart...can't say how glad I am that I am not alone in my "weird" thoughts...yes I feel disgusted withmyself afterwards...but this of course is NOT the way, sex, making love should be so I know I have to make an effort...I will do stop sign ...but always the next day after sex I am triggered...

I actually get TRIGGERED by sex and then feel bad the next day...rather than feeling more close and is good for bonding but bad for should only be loving but that is not all it is right now...

Any other suggestions?

Patchy posted 11/3/2013 22:05 PM

A friend of mine who is like 10 or so years past Dday says she rarely gets the mind movies any more. Maybe once a year.

I don't remember how long she said it took to get to that point. I'm sure it's different for everyone and gets a little better and better with time.

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