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Life was almost perfect . . . .

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lostgirl82 posted 11/3/2013 17:57 PM

He was my childhood sweetheart, we started dating when I was 16, he was 18. He was the first guy I ever slept with and I thought he would be the last. We have been together 14 years now, married for 6 and our daughter is almost 4.

He has been working overseas fly in, fly out for the last couple of years and while going 1 month at a time apart is hard we thought it was worth the short term sacrifice for a better future. It was paying off we just bought a much bigger and better house. I had everything moved while he was away so he wouldn't have to worry about it on his short time at home.

And then it all shattered in a minute. He had been to the Drs (about a sore foot I thought) and he CALLED me "The Dr said I have Chlamydia"..... My head and heart were pounding. He slept with somebody else on a business trip to Indonesia. It is such a clich.

I thought if this ever happened to me I would be upset, furious, uncontrollable but instead I am calm, quiet, collected. I guess this is shock, or denial?

I know that I would survive without him but I don't know if I want to, I did really love him but how can he be the same man I married?

I suddenly don't know who I am anymore because my whole life was built around him. All I can think about is the things in my life that I can change. I have hated my job for a while now, maybe I should find a new one. My car is so expensive to run, maybe I should buy something cheaper and more economical? Maybe it is time I started putting me first and find time to go the gym?

There are so many thoughts in my head and yet none of them seem to be dealing with the situation. I feel numb but I want to feel something - anger, sadness, anything.

brkn_heartd posted 11/3/2013 18:07 PM

I am sorry you find yourself here. It is a source of great wisdom and strength. In the yellow section to the left is the learning library. There is lots of valuable information here.

The shock of disclosure can be tremendous with a variety of emotions. You discuss being calm right now, but your emotions can change at lightening speed. It would be normal to experience depression, anger, rage, sadness etc. Sometimes several of them in one hour.

Right now, you do not have to make any decisions. You need to take care of yourself, and your daughter. Eat, drink and try to sleep. You have time to make other decisions. Has your husband said anything else?

It will be normal for him to try to minimize the affair and try to hide facts. It doesn't seem often that someone comes clean immediately. I do commend him for telling you however.

Make sure you get an appointment with your GYN and be tested for all the STD's. It is embarrassing, but necessary.

When is he supposed to be home next? You will need to start thinking how to handle. Will you let him back, will you do an in house separation, will you be willing to reconcile. Once again, you do not have to make decisions now.

Keep posting, there are others that will respond. The weekends are a little slow.

Hugs to you.

AlexFL posted 11/3/2013 18:56 PM

Wow your post is very similar to how I felt when it all came crashing down. Mines been a couple weeks since I found out he cheated AGAIN. This time he didn't use protection. I am still in shock, I'm still confused and I still feel angry and frozen in place. At least I know that I am not alone with this turning off emotions thing. Don't get me wrong some days are really hard. I hope you are doing ok. Stay strong. You should start putting yourself first and so should I !!!!

kra127 posted 11/3/2013 19:07 PM

Please do yourself a favor and get a full panel of STD testing done. I was in your same situation with my WS. He so kindly had unprotected sex with the OW and then had sex with me. Nice of him, right? She emailed him saying she was positive for chlamydia and he got tested and was positive too. I guess his 22 yr old AP wasn't as clean as he thought she was. My WS finally told me the truth about the affair and I was so embarrassed to go to the dr and get the testing. Thankfully, all my tests came back negative for everything. Like you, I was in shock after having my world turned upside down. My Dday was almost a month ago and I have decided that I will take my time to decide what's best for me and my kids. The rollercoaster of emotions sucks but you will get through this.

lostgirl82 posted 11/4/2013 03:38 AM

Thanks for the replies. While I would not wish this on anyone it is good to know that I am not alone.
One of the first things I did was go see my Dr and I am getting tested very soon for everything. If it had not been for the STD I am certain he would not have told me at all.
D-day was only last Wednesday and he was home on break at the time. He just flew out again yesterday and it was the first time I was ever glad he was leaving as it means I now have some time away from him.

devasted30 posted 11/4/2013 04:13 AM

Good Morning - I know how you feel, I was there about a year ago today. My WS had left but I thought he was living in someone's basement apt....turns out he had moved in with his GF of 3 years. Wow, did that do a number on me. Your emotions are your own and they will be giving you a bit of a roller coaster ride shortly. Right now, you are in shock. But be prepared - you will be amazed how much you are going to feel over the next few months. It is going to be unbelievable. Enjoy you quiet before the storm.
Take care of yourself. Do not make any major decisions right now. Give yourself time to get through this and then once your head is screwed back on right, you will be able to make decisions based on a sound mind. Right now and for the next few months everything will be a knee-jerk reaction and you don't want to plan a future while you are not thinking clearly. Eat, drink, exercise and breath. You will make it through this - I promise. Go through the healing library in the yellow box on the top left hand side of the page here and read some articles and books. They will help. We are all here for you - rant, rave whatever you need. We are listening.

Pippy posted 11/4/2013 13:38 PM

Your calm reaction is very common and as you guessed it is a form of shock. Nobody expects that news, especially with a phone call.

Use this time to take care of YOU. Be good to yourself and take lots of time to think things out. If you want you can also see counselors and get an appointment (often free on first consult) with a Lawyer just to know your rights and options, in case your WS suddenly gets dirty and stops support etc. Unfortunately it happens.

Read everything in the Healing Library including about the 180, which will help you get stronger. It is in the BS FAQs #11. Buy books and read read read.

A lot will depend on how he handles things now that you know. I would also make copies of all financially related papers while you have easy access, "just in case". Also check his phone records and emails if you can. Sadly they usually lie until confronted with hard evidence.

I'm so sorry you have to go through this. We are here to help 24/7. hugs.

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