It's not a question of your WH manning up, it sounds like you just want to punish him and his family because of your anger. I am sorry you are suffering and this happened to you, but I firmly believe you are out of line on this.
infidelity is a private matter between the spouses.l
I couldn't disagree more. I think this a very old school mentality. Maybe because the meaning of marriage was the topic for church this morning and of course the topic of troubled marriages came up. But we should not hide in shame if we are struggling. We should reach out and build a community. How is SI any different than reaching out in person. Isn't personal connection more meaningful?? Hiding furthers the stigma of infidelity in my opinion, and I can be way off on this. But maybe if a truly remorseful wayward opening up about how this happened and how he should have prevented it and the pain they caused was discussed, maybe just maybe it can impact another person for the better before it's too late. Instead of meeting them on this board, under a pseudo name....
I couldn't disagree more.
I have been on SI for a while now and have seen more than my fair share of families that have been torn apart because of this. I know there will be those that say the support was helpful, but there are also many where the damage becomes irreparable.
The problems occurs because it forces people to choose sides. Often the in-laws take the side of their child and the fighting builds from there.
Oddly enough, this is occurring right now in my sisters family. Her son (my nephew) is a BH and he has decided he wants to R. However, my sister and the rest of his siblings are furious he took her back and want nothing to do with his WW. They have a family event coming up soon where my nephew wants to bring his wife, but his family has made it clear to him to him that his wife is not welcome. I am strongly urging all involved to have patience and compassion with each other. My poor nephew needs support and understanding right now, not a bunch of hot heads. We will see.
I think this a very old school mentality.
I don't think so. From my experience on SI, a BW tends to tell everyone, whereas a BH tends to keep it private. Not sure why this is, but that is my observation. I have also seen that telling the family generally does more harm than good.
[This message edited by HardenMyHeart at 10:11 PM, November 3rd (Sunday)]
Eta- I firmly stand by my stance of community though. Be it infidelity, an overwhelmed new mom, depression- our society is too full of that's your problem not mine. Suck it up and don't bother me with it. We should be treating each other with compassion and understanding. We should be offering a hand without judgement. We should be emulating Christ, not turning our backs. We can't do that if we all put on a facade, wearing our 'I'm fine' mask in public. We are all broken. We all need each other. End rant
[This message edited by Lostinthismess at 9:53 PM, November 3rd (Sunday)]
This was the mistake I made -- not telling anyone. Then he told them I was crazy and they didn't believe me at ALL!!!!
It was hell.
Your WS is in a "zone" or "fog" where they believe their own lies and version of the truth -- which is "chill out, I only want to be happy". They are out of reality.
What sometimes works is to smack them over the head with reality -- by outing them to their family, supervisors, the spouse of the affair partner, your pastor, etc.
His reticence is not helping you. If his family asks, I'd tell them.
I chose not to tell anyone the first time because I wasn't ready to end my marriage and didn't want anyone to hold it against him. My friends and family are fiercely loyal and surely would have never let him forget, even after I moved on and forgave.
It's a very personal decision and only you know what's best. This time around I did tell some of his family.
His grandmother was devastated by news of his affair and she had a stoke two months after dday. A part of me wonders if her stroke was caused by the stress or age (she was 99).
Eta: When the rest of his family found out, they immediately went into self-preservation and protect mode. I've always known them to be loving people, but this issue did in some ways force them to choose. They mostly vanished. I guess I couldn't count on them to be there for me anyway, since they're his family. Even after 10 years of being closer to them than him, they're loyalties lie with him.
Trust your instincts and honor your feelings. Healing from infidelity is a long, painful journey and you need to walk the road with your own healing and wholeness as the priority.
[This message edited by Rainbows at 9:46 PM, November 3rd (Sunday)]
Like I mentioned, he is not living at home
Sorry, but I did not see where you mentioned this in this thread or your profile. If you are separated or not living together, then that is a different story and the families must obviously be told the truth why.
If your kid comes home with a black eye from a bully, chances are that bully is living with some aspect of an unfaithful parent. Those are the odds.
I have told him his Mom keeps asking me if everything is ok and I'm going to direct her to him. I don't want to push him, but I am struggling and I won't lie for him. She isn't just any person who I could just say "we are just super busy and things are hectic". She knows better. Because she cares about our family. Unfortunately she also can't just let it go if she sees I don't want to talk about it. WH doesn't want to cause me anymore pain, so I know he will tell her soon.
I guess if they will hurt any chance at reconciliation (like my mother and sister would), I wouldn't tell them. I also wouldn't tell them if it doesn't effect you and support you need. I don't feel the need to shout my WH's incfidelity from the rooftops. I tell those who I need support from and who I know will support me and my marriage.
Only person who knows is his mom. I was having a really hard time and called to talk to her. My mother passed away when I was a teen, both my grandmas have passed as well so she is the only mother type figure in my life.
Leaning towards leaving, no one deserves this pain.
My family does not know. They would NEVER forgive him, and I knew with a toddler I would want to R. I asked him to tell his parents so that he was accountable to someone other than me. No other members of his family know.
It's a personal decision when you stay together, but when you separate, family needs to know. I don't know how close you are to your in-laws, but maybe you tell them so that he can't sugar-coat it and make you look like the bad guy?
Good luck no matter what you decide. We have your back!
I ended up having H tell his parents (and grandparents and brother) because we went on a trip to las vegas a year ago. A lot of the activities that they all wanted to do, I did not want to participate in, and H wasn't allowed to either. I wanted them to know WHY we had such conservative boundaries because I didn't want them thinking I was just an uptight, crazy b*tch.
They were supportive, especially H's grandma, who is a very good friend of mine. And were very VERY supportive about my boundaries. I'm sure they still think I am uptight, but at least they know the whole story and don't think I just woke up one morning and got this way.
[This message edited by BeyondBreaking at 8:45 PM, November 4th (Monday)]
"What did you expect? I am a scorpion."
"We're not broken, just bent. We can learn to love again."