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So....when I first found out I needed to know if there was anything left in our sexual life that was mine alone.

He insisted that she had never put her mouth on him...there. For the past nine years since I found out I have felt safe there if that is the right word, expressing and enjoying that area in that way. Feeling like that at least was mine. Also that they had always used condoms so I felt that there had always been some barrier between him and her....orifices. Told you...TMI

So the other night after his IC we were talking, which he hates, and he is staring off into space and we are talking about how he forgets some things he had told me before, how he had told me that the sex had become mundane and awkward (took place in office) and that sometimes he could not get hard. He had told me before that then the sex would just not happen. We are talking about the things he had told me about their sex, I say, you told me that sometimes you would not get hard...and what would happen then. I expected his previous response of ...it just wouldn't happen...which I had believed for so long. But this time, perhaps because his medication or whatever he says....."she would suck me".

My heart just broke. I was in shock. For nine years I thought something else. He was not looking at me when he said it...I felt a knife in my heart....i felt like he was picturing it and seemed to be reminiscing about the memory and feeling bad for himself that he didn't have this with her now? I don't know....

He did not even seem to realize that this was new information for me.

Or how it would affect me.

He became defensive and says that it was a truth that he had forgotten and now remembered. I believe he just forgot that he had lied about it.

All my memories now of sex with him where I felt that that had been just between us are shattered.

I wonder about what else is a lie.

I just read your profile. Are you actually attempting R with this jerk?

[This message edited by anewday78 at 9:43 PM, November 3rd (Sunday)]

mainlyinpain,

It is hard to come to decisions. He has TTed you yet again. Have you set your boundaries on when you reach your tolerance point? I am not saying this is it, but somewhere you will have to make that decision for your own sake or he will keep walking over you. He has repeatedly lied to you and seems to not have any problems doing so.

I am sorry you are hurting. In your comment where you said he was looking off in the distance like he was remembering is very bothersome to me. Your most recent Dday is Sept. I would guess he has been in contact if only in his mind. It sounds like he cannot break himself of her.

Take care of your self and start thinking of your boundaries.....

That is what I feel, that he can't break himself of what it used to be. But the lies lies lies. When I find out one it invariably leads to other things that I believed now not being able to be true also and it is torture.

I think he can't see it for what it truly was such as evidence by him forgetting negative aspects he originally told me about their sex. He seems to want to only remember what he liked ... I don't know I am so screwed up by all of this I don't know me anymore....I am still mainly in pain and don't now how to understand what is real.

Did he really just remember this? I just can't believe that.

He also did another thing that has caused us to not communicate for the last few days. He was supposed to get rid of the car that he was standing in front of when her daughter posted a picture of them together. The other day he had it at our house showing it off to friends. WTF....what a trigger this was....I had told him I never wanted to see it again and now it appears. I exploded and said something in front of his friend and he has not talked to me since.

I'm so sorry for your pain and you have had a lot. Only you know when it stops because he sounds to me like, isn't facing any consequences. He's got you at home and her on the side. My ws is doing the sane thing and will continue until I kick his ass to the

curb. So now on top of adultery you get to add cocaine? I hope we both find a backbone and love ourselves more than these immature disrespectful boys. Not men, boys.

Ouch. I am so sorry. I would feel the same way.

Wow. I just read your profile too. This guy... wow.

He has lied at absolutely every turn. He has his picture on her daughter's FB page, one big happy family. He comes up with some absurd drug story, and yet the I love you's are in full swing. Now he still owns a car that you wanted gone, and he isn't talking to you?

He lies to you without thought, without remorse. He wants what he wants and tells you whatever to make you believe what he wants you to believe so he will get what he wants. He isn't forgetting anything except the lies he told you.

He hasn't 'reconnected' with her all these times. She's been a part of his life for nearly a decade.

Your H will continue to lie to you for as long as he is with you, and probably after as well. He is completely unremorseful for any of it. He has no respect for you or your marriage. I'm sorry - but he doesn't.

And now, after all of his bullshit, he comes up with a 'drug problem' and she's his dealer. OMG - again, WOW.

He lies at MC. Going is pointless because he lies. Counseling works if you are honest. He is not. He is a liar, and has been for so, so long.

I'm so sorry you are in this mess with this jerk. Please, find some boundaries and make them stick. He will continue to hurt you because it's what he does. He cares for no one but himself. Your pain is irrelevant because it's yours. He is still free to do as he wishes.

If she was just his dealer, why is he at her daughter's birthday party? Why is she telling her daughter that you are out of the picture and are divorcing? Why do they say "I love you"? Please see this pile of garbage for what it is. For your sanity, please understand what he's been doing to you for years.

Thank you, PainfulPast for writing all of the things I did not have the energy to write. Mainlyinpain, until you see this situation - and more importantly, him - for what it truly is, you will continue to experience this cycle of misery. It's time to leave this broken person and this broken marriage behind and move on to something new and more substantial - even if that means you're on your own for a while. Nobody deserves the level of hurt, disrespect, and humiliation he's putting you through. He wants to tell ow and her family/friends that he's not with you? Make him an honest man and LEAVE HIM.

[This message edited by anewday78 at 9:26 AM, November 4th (Monday)]

Sorry 2 x 4 here:

I've been following your posts you keep writing about your pain but won't listen to people's advise inorder to end it. I think continuing to be in pain is your choice and it won't stop until you make some changes. You have to love yourself more than him.

I think I can remember almost every bj I have ever received, including some from 40+ years ago. I definitely remember every single woman. Every so often I take a mental inventory regarding which states, countries, time zones, etc I have covered. Indoor, outdoor, mile-high.

I don't see how a guy would forget.

((((mainlyinpain))))

What advice would you give to a friend in this situation?

I'm sorry your WH is such an asshole. I'm sorry for your pain.

Think about what direction YOU want to go. HE IS NOT GOING TO CHANGE.

((((mainlyinpain))))

IDK...if he was high when it happened, I think he could have forgotten or buried it or maybe even not been sure what was real and what wasn't.

Is he still using? If so, I don't see how he can R.

Have you read about the (google-able) Drama Triangle? I think the DT is worth checking into.

Your sitch won't change until you change it. I hope you change very soon indeed, for your sake.

[This message edited by mainlyinpain at 2:01 AM, November 5th (Tuesday)]

I have sunk so far, I have no power. It is maddening to realize that you can voice your needs, fears, but can't make WH follow through on any of them even as he tells you will do anything he can (maybe just not what I ask for...cuz,,,why would that be important?) And worse, your anger or fear at betrayal or triggering has no effect....just silence and shunning or dericiveness.But there has to be some accountability...at least a heads up that no I did not get rid of the car with the whore in front, I still have it and want to show it to more people so they will recognize it in the future when they see the picture on the internet. And one day my son or granchildren will be shown that picture and asked who is with their dad or grand dad.

It is so much the bouncing from one end to the next. I feel like I have whiplash. WH loves only me, wants only me, is remorseful, hates what others think of him (more than he thinks of himself I think). Wants tobe a new man a man he was thirty years ago....well thats great.... why arent you doing that? That person would not have disrespected me and nonchalantly drove that "whore car" and parked it in front of my house. The car picture is still on the daughters facebook. Along with a comment from her "Hey dumbass cheaters--the internet was invented in 1982....information is available worldwide and is free...cover your cheating tracks"

I think there has been no contact for two months? I think no cocaine since then. I do think though that he is maudlin about what he used to have from 1999-2004. And sad that when he reconnected in 2011 it wasn't the same, she didn't grab his penis I guess...as she did the first time...He is reminiscing. He tells me I mean everything to him but also that I am all he has left. that is good in his life...I guess meaning that she is not in contact and he has stopped the cocaine.

I do not believe that he "forgot" about his penis in her mouth....he seemed as I said to be fondly remembering it and sad to no longer have it, that he lost it, that she doesn't want it anymore.

Do I believe his timeline that the last sex was in 2004 and then she dumped him? That he had no contact til 2011 when she came into his office for her mother,(who was to have been dropped as a client seven years before) that then they had no sex but met for lunches and dinner....and she pushed a free packet of cocaine into his hand and told him to take it just in case. That he then thought it was great and began paying mucho dinero (also paying for her stuff from my calculations.

That altho his phone convos ended with I love you he had no physical contact with her, did not tell her he was divorcing me, etcetc

That when they were still talking after a no contact letter was sent in July 13, the letter was never mentioned by her to him. The letter that said he never loved her andnever would, that he lied and loved only me.

She gets it... He still talks to her and says I love you. But the letter was never mentioned? Psycho

Can't believe. Incomprehensible. Yet as always he is so convincing.

BTW he passed a lie detector that there was no sex since 2004 but no t that there was no contact from 2004 til 2011.

I know people start to glaze over with all of these incidents and dates and lies and cries and pain.

Boundaries.....what are those?

Can you shoot when they are crossed?

How many do I have to make, we will be here forever.

Don't lie to me. Don't shun me.

Respond to my anger at being hurt. Apologize for it. Be remorseful. Explain your selfishness. Be empathetic and sympathetic. As I cry and sob don't walk by and turn on the tv.

Read a relationship book. Make an appt with mc.

Are these boundaries? Arent' they just simple human kindness and goodness?

Boundary was definitely no whore car at my house. My response was anger and pain and sorrow. His response was shunning. He is supposed to have apologized, shown remorse, vow to get rid of , help me with my pain....but I have no power when there is nothing he wants from me, not even words. He seems unaffected while I have knawing stomach pain, cry, am distruaght, think about death as a relief, high high anxiety. I need more control over my emotions. I need IC.

I had one but stopped when we started mc. that didn't le haast and I have had none. I am a mess.

Traumatized.

Shell-shocked.

Feel like I am cowering in a half blown apart building in the middle of a war zone. In a corner with my hands covering my head waiting for the next bomb or weapon or bayonet.

MIP

RIP

[This message edited by mainlyinpain at 2:03 AM, November 5th (Tuesday)]

You DO have power, but you have, so far, chosen to NOT access your power.

He.Does.Not.Care. He lies.

You will not get the man you want because that person doesn't exist.

Of course you are traumatized and shell-shocked, but really, you must take the steps to become more healthy.

PLEASE read and follow the 180. THAT will give you power, instead of your thinking that you only have power if he wants something.

My WH has sex in his vehicle with the whore. I will not tolerate us keeping his vehicle which now has a big FOR SALE sign on it. He is not happy. I don't care. HE made the choice that led to consequences.

I am making a list of what I want to do for me. To make a better me. The only thing I control.

I need to see doctors about my carpal tunnel. I am supposed to have been seeing a massage therapist for facial jaw pain, need a mammogram and bone density test because of back pain issues. Want to investigate a new procedure for another issue.

All not major issues but will feel better with any improvement.

I want to be a stronger person, used to be but all these blows one after the other , some blindsided by, have beaten me down.

Want to get a corgi dog! So cute. Never have had one cuz WH doesn't like the mess of one but I would love one. Would never be alone while shunned again. My son is encouraging me to get one.

I want to take some classes on glass making.

I think doing this and more will make be stronger and I will be able to make a decision and take a stand and withstand the consequences.

I will read the 180 again.

I just want to not care about him so much.

Even now I feel guilt that I havent been showing him love and understanding and support for his giving up the cocaine and that struggle. Stupid.

(((Mainlyinpain)))

180. Get your dog. Love yourself more. Get your dog.

MIP,

Do something each day-just for you. It can be something small a soak in a hot bath, a new blouse, a dr appt. all those little things add up to caring for yourself-and are a step to loving yourself .

I needed to do those steps to help me develop self love and respect...one small self caring incident at a time.

Keep us posted on your results. It sounds like you've put yourself on hold for too long. Now it's your turn to take care of you!

Hugs,

K

Thank you all for being caring kind human beings. Which I could photocopy you all and sprinkle you throughout the world.

I just went up to him, he was outside and I gestured him over. He was very irritable I would say or down. I said, I just want to say that I hope you find peace, that I was just looking at you out the window and you looked so much like someone I used to know I had to come and tell you that.

He says, yeah, well, I feel like I used to know him too or something like that. Walked away. I gestured him back, he was like...I have to finish this but I just said, I also wanted to give you a hug, but he said, I am too dirty from doing the lawn.

I looked at him and he just said, I don't know what to tell you....after what you did that night, saying wha t you said in front of people.... I looked at him and softly said....What I did?

He just said forget it and walked off.

What I did?

When I saw that he had that car in front of my house, for all to see. At first I was filled with fear and anger. Then I walked outside and went over and looked at it to show him that I knew it was there. He just kept talking to his friends and a couple of relatives who were there. This was Halloween night and people had stopped by. He looked at me and I just bumped into him and went into the house. He followed and was like what are you mad about. I said, are you kidding, how can you have that car here, you said you would get rid of it....he says I never said that.....

Whatever, it should not be here, he knew I never wanted to see it again.

He just walks off.

My sister comes in the house and I lay my angst on her once again which I know she is tired of. I walk her outside and my husband is talking to her husband. The car is gone, he must have moved it. I just walk up to him and say where is the car that was just here, you know the one you took a picture in front of with the women you committed adultery with? He is shocked as there are people around and I am not hiding this, covering it up for him, being a codependent. This is what he is referring to that IIIIII did.

I also said you can not humiliate me and expect silence anymore when he tried to shush me. I said, what do I have to do, past 8 x 10 glossies of the picture burned in my brain so people can contrast it with the car you are showing them...so they know what it really is?

Explain to me the thinking where the most grievous hurt in this situation is me emoting truths in front of others with no word mentioned of the hurt done to me?

Who is this kind of person?

Is this narcissism?

Of all the hurts he has done to me this so called hurt of mine to him is so egregious that it elicits shunning and no empathy or sympathy at all? I don't uenderstand this. Even I had sympathy for him this morning and told him I wished he could find peace. Something in me just has to give comfort when I see pain. Is this not in him?

I know I sound pathetic.

I am stumbling, reaching for something to keep pulling me along. I know conceptually that all I control is myself. I have to keep banging that in my head when I want to keep playing damage control for his actions. He has been told he is self-destructive and it is very hard to not try to step in when I see it but I am lost.

Kajem I am going to start working on the self-love and respect thing. I have tried to before and lost my way when bombarded with more hurts like the never ended contact and the cocaine.

This is so awfully hard, hard to not just curl up in a ball in the corner and cry.

So...he said he would get rid of the car..and he didn't. And you didn't find out until it was in front of you,while he was showing it off to his buddies?

And you called him out on his lying and shitty behavior and treatment of you?

Um...

******STANDING OVATION********

What you did showed him you were done being shit on. He doesn't like it?

FTG.