So the other night after his IC we were talking, which he hates, and he is staring off into space and we are talking about how he forgets some things he had told me before, how he had told me that the sex had become mundane and awkward (took place in office) and that sometimes he could not get hard. He had told me before that then the sex would just not happen. We are talking about the things he had told me about their sex, I say, you told me that sometimes you would not get hard...and what would happen then. I expected his previous response of ...it just wouldn't happen...which I had believed for so long. But this time, perhaps because his medication or whatever he says....."she would suck me".
My heart just broke. I was in shock. For nine years I thought something else. He was not looking at me when he said it...I felt a knife in my heart....i felt like he was picturing it and seemed to be reminiscing about the memory and feeling bad for himself that he didn't have this with her now? I don't know....
He did not even seem to realize that this was new information for me.
Or how it would affect me.
He became defensive and says that it was a truth that he had forgotten and now remembered. I believe he just forgot that he had lied about it.
All my memories now of sex with him where I felt that that had been just between us are shattered.
I wonder about what else is a lie.
[This message edited by anewday78 at 9:43 PM, November 3rd (Sunday)]
I am sorry you are hurting. In your comment where you said he was looking off in the distance like he was remembering is very bothersome to me. Your most recent Dday is Sept. I would guess he has been in contact if only in his mind. It sounds like he cannot break himself of her.
Take care of your self and start thinking of your boundaries.....
He has lied at absolutely every turn. He has his picture on her daughter's FB page, one big happy family. He comes up with some absurd drug story, and yet the I love you's are in full swing. Now he still owns a car that you wanted gone, and he isn't talking to you?
He lies to you without thought, without remorse. He wants what he wants and tells you whatever to make you believe what he wants you to believe so he will get what he wants. He isn't forgetting anything except the lies he told you.
He hasn't 'reconnected' with her all these times. She's been a part of his life for nearly a decade.
Your H will continue to lie to you for as long as he is with you, and probably after as well. He is completely unremorseful for any of it. He has no respect for you or your marriage. I'm sorry - but he doesn't.
And now, after all of his bullshit, he comes up with a 'drug problem' and she's his dealer. OMG - again, WOW.
He lies at MC. Going is pointless because he lies. Counseling works if you are honest. He is not. He is a liar, and has been for so, so long.
I'm so sorry you are in this mess with this jerk. Please, find some boundaries and make them stick. He will continue to hurt you because it's what he does. He cares for no one but himself. Your pain is irrelevant because it's yours. He is still free to do as he wishes.
If she was just his dealer, why is he at her daughter's birthday party? Why is she telling her daughter that you are out of the picture and are divorcing? Why do they say "I love you"? Please see this pile of garbage for what it is. For your sanity, please understand what he's been doing to you for years.
[This message edited by anewday78 at 9:26 AM, November 4th (Monday)]
"If only I can fight just a little longer, I know it's gonna make me stronger" Jamie Grace-Holding on.
I don't see how a guy would forget.
What advice would you give to a friend in this situation?
I'm sorry your WH is such an asshole. I'm sorry for your pain.
Think about what direction YOU want to go. HE IS NOT GOING TO CHANGE.
Is he still using? If so, I don't see how he can R.
Have you read about the (google-able) Drama Triangle? I think the DT is worth checking into.
Your sitch won't change until you change it. I hope you change very soon indeed, for your sake.
[This message edited by mainlyinpain at 2:01 AM, November 5th (Tuesday)]
Do I believe his timeline that the last sex was in 2004 and then she dumped him? That he had no contact til 2011 when she came into his office for her mother,(who was to have been dropped as a client seven years before) that then they had no sex but met for lunches and dinner....and she pushed a free packet of cocaine into his hand and told him to take it just in case. That he then thought it was great and began paying mucho dinero (also paying for her stuff from my calculations.
That altho his phone convos ended with I love you he had no physical contact with her, did not tell her he was divorcing me, etcetc
That when they were still talking after a no contact letter was sent in July 13, the letter was never mentioned by her to him. The letter that said he never loved her andnever would, that he lied and loved only me.
She gets it... He still talks to her and says I love you. But the letter was never mentioned? Psycho
Can't believe. Incomprehensible. Yet as always he is so convincing.
BTW he passed a lie detector that there was no sex since 2004 but no t that there was no contact from 2004 til 2011.
I know people start to glaze over with all of these incidents and dates and lies and cries and pain.
Boundaries.....what are those?
Can you shoot when they are crossed?
How many do I have to make, we will be here forever.
Don't lie to me. Don't shun me.
Respond to my anger at being hurt. Apologize for it. Be remorseful. Explain your selfishness. Be empathetic and sympathetic. As I cry and sob don't walk by and turn on the tv.
Read a relationship book. Make an appt with mc.
Are these boundaries? Arent' they just simple human kindness and goodness?
Boundary was definitely no whore car at my house. My response was anger and pain and sorrow. His response was shunning. He is supposed to have apologized, shown remorse, vow to get rid of , help me with my pain....but I have no power when there is nothing he wants from me, not even words. He seems unaffected while I have knawing stomach pain, cry, am distruaght, think about death as a relief, high high anxiety. I need more control over my emotions. I need IC.
I had one but stopped when we started mc. that didn't le haast and I have had none. I am a mess.
Feel like I am cowering in a half blown apart building in the middle of a war zone. In a corner with my hands covering my head waiting for the next bomb or weapon or bayonet.
[This message edited by mainlyinpain at 2:03 AM, November 5th (Tuesday)]
He.Does.Not.Care. He lies.
You will not get the man you want because that person doesn't exist.
Of course you are traumatized and shell-shocked, but really, you must take the steps to become more healthy.
PLEASE read and follow the 180. THAT will give you power, instead of your thinking that you only have power if he wants something.
My WH has sex in his vehicle with the whore. I will not tolerate us keeping his vehicle which now has a big FOR SALE sign on it. He is not happy. I don't care. HE made the choice that led to consequences.
Do something each day-just for you. It can be something small a soak in a hot bath, a new blouse, a dr appt. all those little things add up to caring for yourself-and are a step to loving yourself .
I needed to do those steps to help me develop self love and respect...one small self caring incident at a time.
Keep us posted on your results. It sounds like you've put yourself on hold for too long. Now it's your turn to take care of you!
I just went up to him, he was outside and I gestured him over. He was very irritable I would say or down. I said, I just want to say that I hope you find peace, that I was just looking at you out the window and you looked so much like someone I used to know I had to come and tell you that.
He says, yeah, well, I feel like I used to know him too or something like that. Walked away. I gestured him back, he was like...I have to finish this but I just said, I also wanted to give you a hug, but he said, I am too dirty from doing the lawn.
I looked at him and he just said, I don't know what to tell you....after what you did that night, saying wha t you said in front of people.... I looked at him and softly said....What I did?
He just said forget it and walked off.
What I did?
When I saw that he had that car in front of my house, for all to see. At first I was filled with fear and anger. Then I walked outside and went over and looked at it to show him that I knew it was there. He just kept talking to his friends and a couple of relatives who were there. This was Halloween night and people had stopped by. He looked at me and I just bumped into him and went into the house. He followed and was like what are you mad about. I said, are you kidding, how can you have that car here, you said you would get rid of it....he says I never said that.....
Whatever, it should not be here, he knew I never wanted to see it again.
He just walks off.
My sister comes in the house and I lay my angst on her once again which I know she is tired of. I walk her outside and my husband is talking to her husband. The car is gone, he must have moved it. I just walk up to him and say where is the car that was just here, you know the one you took a picture in front of with the women you committed adultery with? He is shocked as there are people around and I am not hiding this, covering it up for him, being a codependent. This is what he is referring to that IIIIII did.
I also said you can not humiliate me and expect silence anymore when he tried to shush me. I said, what do I have to do, past 8 x 10 glossies of the picture burned in my brain so people can contrast it with the car you are showing them...so they know what it really is?
Explain to me the thinking where the most grievous hurt in this situation is me emoting truths in front of others with no word mentioned of the hurt done to me?
Who is this kind of person?
Is this narcissism?
Of all the hurts he has done to me this so called hurt of mine to him is so egregious that it elicits shunning and no empathy or sympathy at all? I don't uenderstand this. Even I had sympathy for him this morning and told him I wished he could find peace. Something in me just has to give comfort when I see pain. Is this not in him?
I know I sound pathetic.
I am stumbling, reaching for something to keep pulling me along. I know conceptually that all I control is myself. I have to keep banging that in my head when I want to keep playing damage control for his actions. He has been told he is self-destructive and it is very hard to not try to step in when I see it but I am lost.
Kajem I am going to start working on the self-love and respect thing. I have tried to before and lost my way when bombarded with more hurts like the never ended contact and the cocaine.
This is so awfully hard, hard to not just curl up in a ball in the corner and cry.
And you called him out on his lying and shitty behavior and treatment of you?
What you did showed him you were done being shit on. He doesn't like it?
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.