The meds have helped enormously for the depression, and initially, helped with the anxiety - I could function day to day without an overwhelming sense of dread.
But over the last couple of months, I've begun to have what I now recognise as anxiety attacks. They started with me simply having a physiological response when ever I thought about the OW or accidentally came across her - she randomly appears in my FB feed from time to time. Appropriately, I felt like I needed to go to the bathroom really urgently every time I think about her. Happened most strongly when I would see pictures of her or be reminded of things she said.
Then it grew into a weak, almost shaking sensation in my legs. But in the last two weeks, I shake uncontrollably. That had happened once about six weeks after DDay when I discovered an innocent (on my husband's part) email with a response from her that just left me devastated. But last week I was hospitalised (stage 4 kidney disease diagnosis, coz y'know, this year hasn't been horrible enough) and fWH called to tell me someone had sent an anonymous note to the principal of the school where fWH & OW work questioning the moral character of OW. Ha! It appears whoever sent the note doesn't know the full extent of the A, brief though it was, and is just out to get OW, but her downfall would be fWH's and mine as well. I shook, uncontrollably for about twenty minutes, to the point that the nurses were really worried and called a doctor.
I only realized it was an anxiety attack later when I had several more: telling a close friend about the A (only the second person I've spoken to about it); seeing OW's BH down in town; spending an evening mulling over the aftermath of the A til 2am (before waking fWH for some HB just to exorcise those demons); and telling a third friend who has also experienced infidelity a couple of years ago.
Every. Single. Time. Heart racing. Shaking. Voice wavering. Panic.
Anyone else? What does an attack look like for you? What triggers you?
Reconciling. A stronger marriage now.
Psalm 37. It rocks my world. So does 140. Big guy upstairs has got it all figured out.
Sometimes, I would be thinking about the A, other times I would be doing something benign like reaching for the conditioner and all of a sudden it would feel like the walls were closing in.
That being said, I haven't had any major health issues. What the HECK is going on with your kidneys?!?! I'm so sorry that you have to deal with that - I hope that you are getting good medical care and on the road to recovery.
I would talk to your doctor about the anxiety attacks after you've resolved the kidney stuff. Having as-needed medication for that has been a Godsend for me. I don't even need it anymore - just knowing I have it has had a calming effect.
Wishing you peace and good health.
(((Nest2007)))
This is most likely the most stressful time in your life thus far, as it is for most of us. It is very important to recognize, and and treat your anxiety.
It is important for you to understand what is causing, and why you are feeling the way you feel when you feel them coming on. This will give you power to stop them, and keep them from become quite so horrible. In addition you need to talk to your Nephrologist, and make sure that your electrolytes are being kept in balance, frequently with renal disease your sodium levels can get too high, or too low and this can greatly impact your mentation, and ability to control your thoughts and feelings.
Please let your Dr's know exactly what is going on at home. There is no shame in your spouse having an affair. YOU did nothing to cause this, and YOU certainly have ZERO to be ashamed about. YOU are taking the high road. Talk the Dr's about having an as needed benzo like Ativan &/or xanax. Also if you are not sleeping well please ask for something to help. This plays a huge factor in how we deal with emotional issues as well.
Start doing some of the work to heal yourself. Understand that you have NO control over what your H, his AP, or AP's H does, says, or acts. All you can do is act with honor. True friends will stand by you, no matter what, and those that don't you didn't need in the first place. The serenity prayer, that is used in AA can be a great source of calming, and strength. Also please read through some basic info on focused breathing, meditation, and relaxation. This will help to clear your mind, and allow you to find some perspective.
I hope your kidneys are recovering to some degree, I can't imagine dealing with both issues at once. It has to be very overwhelming.
((((and strength)))
Tushnurse, my gp knows about the A and prescribed the initial anti depressant/anxiety medication. For the longest time I've felt incredibly isolated, as I only told one friend about this - the day after DDay. Other than that, the only people I've had to speak to irl are my psychologist (she's been with us since before the A for three years as IC individually and separately, and now as MC) and my gp. I have friends who know something's very very wrong, but whom I don't feel I can open up to.
In the last two weeks, I've told two other friends and it is the most amazing thing, the release of not holding it all inside. One's H left her on New Year's Day this year and was shacked up with another woman a month later, so most likely cheated on my friend. The other friend has lived this two years ago when her bf cheated. Telling her just happened - she was talking about several things about how she feels/felt, and it was like she was speaking my every emotion and experience since I found out. Amazing. Love having a few more people who know.
I have numerous boxes of stilnox in the medicine cabinet (was a long term insomniac until I weaned myself off them just before I fell pregnant) so sleep is not an issue very often, and am on Avanza for the anxiety.
It's a oft spouted comment, but I hate that it took his A to get our marriage to this point. We are communicating better than ever, working through so much in IC and MC, and in some regards I'm ridiculously happy. But when she creeps into my thoughts or appears on FB, or friends talk about her, I just become a mess.
Maddmurph, go get the meds! It's not worth living like this. We've all been through so much already, that if medication helps us, so be it. This isn't a journey we chose.
It is helpful to let close friends know you are suffering from them. It is surprising how many people are understanding and helpful. I was afraid to go places for fear of having one, and my friend told me point blank if I was having one, we'd go right home. Knowing that and that she supported me, actually prevented me from having one.
Have all the docs on board about the right meds to help you. Also, post here, there will always be someone coming along to give you support :)
