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I can't handle the truth

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olwen posted 11/4/2013 04:55 AM

This will probably seem odd to many of you who have had honest spouses by I feel my world has fallen apart.

WH tried to hide his affair for months only revealing things bit by bit as he had to. He didn't tell me they had kissed until I got my 2nd round of oral thrush and he didn't admit to sex until 2 months later. On father's day. Just a month after my dad died. He didn't even think about that just decided he couldn't lie anymore. Didn't think of me and the day at all. He didn't come right out with it he told me he didn't love me and walked out only to return 5 mins later to say he did love me but had something to tell me...

He has been all over with the emotional side of the story. He has never wavered in the fact of what they did but the question of if he wanted her was always a no. HE did admit it a few weeks back but then retracted it saying it was cos I wouldn't believe what he was telling me and he really didn't want anything physical he just felt trapped by the ea and felt he had to keep her happy so she wouldn't tell me.

So last night, after posting here and getting a resounding 'he's lying' I confronted him. Told him how I thought things had panned out. He agreed and added a few things of his own.

He is very pedantic about certain words. Wanting - he claims he was willing to do what she wanted but he didn't really 'want' her. He says wanting is wanting to be with someone full time. Anyone else smell manipulative bs?

He said he didn't fancy her, yet it turns out she was 'good enough' yet he says he couldn't believe someone like her, a 29yr old busty ex barmaid, could want him. Sounds like he fancied her to me. He also told me she was 'not exactly ugy'. In his evil mode when I was suspicious he told me 'I could say you're sexy, gorgeous and I love you but you're not and I don't'. You don't say that unless you mean it. He says he was trying to push me away so he didn't have to face what he had done.

He said he didn't love her and it was all about the attention. So why would he turn things physical and make it clear he would do whatever she wanted?

Truth is I don't think I can live with the real story. And I am still not sure his reluctance in the car is true.

For me it boils down to
1)he wanted another woman
2) he went after her
3) he hid their relationship and lied to me.
4) he showed me no love or respect in his actions
5) he has lied to me every day since he met her.
6) he wanted another woman! What more is there to say.

I feel like the beautiful moments in the past few months have been lies cos they were based on a lie. I thought he meant it when he said he got swept along by the attention but never really wanted her. It was all lies.

Apart from the lies, which he claims aren't lies but confusion cos he can't remember what he felt, he has become the model husband. Even selling his bike to pay for IC. He has been working hard around the house and I have access to everything. He couldn't have tried harder apart from being honest.

I know why he held it back , out of fear I would leave him. Sadly I think he is right. I can't love a man who did this to me. He said it was the worst thing he has ever done and he hates himself for it.
Problem is I think I hate him now. I just want to hurt him back. he was my world and he chose to destroy my life.
He says he kissed her cos he wanted to and to find out how willing she was prepared to go and to make it clear he was up for an affair.

He still insists that when they had sex he didn't want it once they started. It felt wrong to him but he didn't know how to stop it. He has admitted he wanted to touch her until he did and that he knew full well when she drove to a dark car park that she was going to do something and he wanted to see what it would be.

[This message edited by olwen at 4:58 AM, November 4th (Monday)]

devasted30 posted 11/4/2013 05:24 AM

olwen - TT'ing. It's the shits isn't it? My WS TT'd me for over 8 months and I'm still not sure I have it all yet. He swears I know it all, but he's sworn that several times already - and that was a LIE...
So, what can I tell you - take some time. You have just gone through another DDay. Yep, welcome to the TT'ing club. Another one you don't want to belong to - something your WS signed you up for but forgot to ask you if you even wanted to join. That's nice.
You will feel all the same things you felt originally, but now you know more and it will hurt more. I am so sorry you are going through this - it's like slowly ripping a huge bandage off.
But, you can handle it. You will handle it. It will take time - lots and lots of it.
Do not make any knee-jerk decisions. Take some time (months) to process this and then re-evaluate when you are in a better place emotionally and mentally. And that could be many, many months from now. If you need help with any of this, we are all here to help. WE can't take away your pain - you must go through it - but we can sympathize because so many of us have been there and made it through. I have - it sucks, it's excruciating, it makes breathing hard but you will get through it - after all, you really have no choice. Just don't make any major decisions yet - give yourself some time. Hard to believe but things will look differently in a few months - honestly, they will. Then if you still feel that you can't live with this - leave. At least you'll know you tried.

[This message edited by devasted30 at 5:25 AM, November 4th (Monday)]

olwen posted 11/4/2013 05:41 AM

Thank you devastated. I was quite calm when he told me yesterday cos I knew it made more sense than the bull he was telling me.

Then late last night it hit me. I have said some horrible things to him today and he just replies - I love you. He said it was the worst thing he has done he is sorry but he does love me. I am sending him angry texts and he just replies I love you. Argghhhh! He doesn't know the meaning of the word or we would not be facing this.

I have let rip at him. He is not my husband he turned my loving husband into a monster that destroyed out family. I have told him I don't love him now and that he is not fit to walk in my husbands shoes. I will always hate him for giving my husband to another woman. He ceased being my husband the day he acted on his desires for her.

I have told him That we will only live under the same roof cos I promised not to leave. He can't control my heart though.

We were always best friends until she became his bff. I am sure in time we will be friends again but I will never trust him with my heart.

We can't separate at the moment because I am having bad mental health problems and I could not manage our son the house and the dog alone. We can't afford to separate and agree son has been hurt enough when he told him he was leaving me.

If he wants me to stay - fine. But as far as I can see there is no romantic future for us. I can see us being friends in time and co parenting well. Once my hurt and anger fade we will probably be a happy household again. DS doesn't need to know we aren't intimate anymore so as long as we get along it's the best option for us. If either of us meets someone new or he decides to go back to her we will cross that bridge when it happens. I doubt I will ever love or trust again.

He has hurt me more deeply than I can face. I wish I had never met him. I wish I had never given him my life since I was 17. Then I would not be hurting more than I can handle now. I might have been happy, I might have been cherished. I might have been respected.

I thought I was but I was wrong.

[This message edited by olwen at 5:44 AM, November 4th (Monday)]

confused615 posted 11/4/2013 05:42 AM

You can. And you will. I remember when WH gave me a big dose of TT..2.r years into R. I was fine at first...even relieved. It felt like I had been dying of thirst, and suddenly had a glass of water. The next day,when reality hit me, that glass became a tsunami and I nearly drowned.

But it will be ok. You have to readjust everything you have already processed. It will hurt more, for awhile, but not as long as you think. The truth is healing. It really is.

You are a very strong woman. All of us have seen that. You are going to be just fine.


[This message edited by confused615 at 5:44 AM, November 4th (Monday)]

olwen posted 11/4/2013 05:46 AM

thank you confused, I am not so sure. Sat here fighting not to cry cos ds is home. I wish I had listened to you months ago but I loved him so much I wanted to believe him.

It's just too much on top of everything else.

bionicgal posted 11/4/2013 08:59 AM

Gently, you can handle this. It sucks, no doubt. But, many waywards trickle truth because they fear of losing us. It doesn't make it right, but your H was likely trying to preserve your feelings. (Like my H was trying to preserve my feelings by not sharing with me that he was becoming attracted to a mutual friend. Thanks hon, for that!)

I am unsure of all the stories I hear here about men and women just "going along" and "didn't really want to" and "felt blackmailed.. . " I don't know. I think more often than not they are are either not being honest with themselves, or their spouses, or both.

Is it really worse that he "wanted" her, than he was just weak and "went along?" I would rather have a man that takes responsibility for his actions. It seems to me that is a person who is more trustworthy, in the end.

My H "wanted" the OW, and that hurts, but he wanted her for really f-ed up reasons, which had little to do with her. He wanted to feel wanted. But then sometimes, I do think waywards fall down the slippery slope and get stuck.

Anyhow - have faith. . . encourage him to come completely clean - but it has to be safe for him to do so. Let him come clean, and give it 6 months before you decide anything. (Just my advice.)

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