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Newest Member: 4ever2gether (45763)

User Topic: Maybe this is a test & Need to dig deep 4 strength/indifference
She11ybeanz
♀ 27457
Member # 27457
What?  Posted: 7:37 AM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Okay...I have already set a new goal for the new year early to try to put XWH, MOW, and sperm donor out of my head in the new year and work on myself more and moving on with things that make me happy.

My latest challenge came about last week. I've been going to my team's group runs (which are open to the public) for months now and last week while I was recovering from my marathon, MOW decided to show up to one of our scheduled group runs. Okay.. fine. My group leader called me because he knows my past with her and was sweet enough to ask me if I cared if she came. I told him no. As long as she leaves me alone and doesn't try to be rude or speak to me, than I can tolerate her being there. Plus, I told him that she wants a response out of me and when she gets none that is the best way to avoid any drama she may/or may not being trying to ensue. I've gotten better at this. Its like tolerating a tree being nearby us or a breeze blowing along with us. Plus, I wasn't going to be there, so it made it a no brainer.

Well, this week I will be running again and saw where MOW has put "maybe" on both of the events this week with my team. I DO have her blocked but since she and sperm donor are the only ones blocked (and XWH doesn't have a facebook and sperm donor doesn't run anymore), I can only assume since I CANNOT see who the 1 maybe is that its her.

Okay....maybe this is a test. Maybe God wants me to face my demons instead of running away from them which has always been my 1st instinct. So, I packed my bag and put that I was DEFINITELY going and will go there with my head held high....my friends there to support me.... and a big smile on my face... and I will just pretend that she doesn't exist.

I know I can do this. Maybe I need this challenge. To prove to myself that they aren't fire breathing dragons that will set me ablaze at any moment. They are mere cowards trying to regain one ounce of the dignity and/or moral values that they so quickly obliterated by their past actions and are desperate for the approval of others. I pity them really.

I feel like I have come a long way since a year or 2 ago. The old me would have not gone at all if there was even the "slightest" possibility of running into either one of them. Now I truly think they deserve each other. A snake for a snake right?

[This message edited by She11ybeanz at 7:40 AM, November 4th (Monday)]


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2732 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
Williesmom
♀ 22870
Member # 22870
Default  Posted: 7:54 AM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IDK, Shelly. I think I would just run somewhere else for a while until they tire of it.

Why invite the possibility of drama into your life?


You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

Posts: 7825 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
She11ybeanz
♀ 27457
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 8:02 AM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DUPLICATE POST

[This message edited by She11ybeanz at 8:03 AM, November 4th (Monday)]


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2732 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
She11ybeanz
♀ 27457
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 8:02 AM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IDK, Shelly. I think I would just run somewhere else for a while until they tire of it.

That's the problem Williesmom.... I tried that approach for about a year.... and would try to avoid any race they went to and group run....and I've come to discover they aren't going anywhere. They seem to like running now and I have to accept that. Like someone else once said....maybe they enjoy running. I think that is true NOW. I think at first it was to spite me but now I think they actually enjoy it. Which is fine. I've come to accept it.

I refuse to give up what I love because they have decided to take up the same passion. Plus, this is MY team and Marion (my team leader) already told me that they will not be allowed to join the team. They can come to group runs all they want but they can't be on the team, so that brings me some peace. And, luckily for me, a lot of the races that I plan on doing in the future, they won't be doing because they are either marathons (they don't run anything over a half) or the like.

I think its time I grow a backbone and stop being a doormat. I refuse to let them get away with scaring me away. The last time we were both at a group run together, MOW was the one that looked uncomfortable and out of place. I actually had a good time. I think I've come a long way. I really do.

I think it does bother MOW that I never responded to her email of "extending a truce and olive branch" for the sake of running into each other all the time in the running community. But, I have no desire to be cordial with her or to give her any peace in what she did to me. Let her fester in her own guilt for all eternity for all I care. I just want to run, with my friends. That's it. I know who my REAL friends are!

Running with my friends makes me happy and I already have one friend that goes my pace that is coming tonight and she and I can chat it up the whole time. No worries AT ALL!

[This message edited by She11ybeanz at 8:08 AM, November 4th (Monday)]


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2732 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
hoya96
♀ 28851
Member # 28851
Default  Posted: 9:16 AM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I completely understand your feelings, your journey, and I absolutely agree you are moving in the right direction!

For the longest time (maybe first year or two post-divorce/my ex leaving me for my best friend) I would often avoid places or events where I thought she might show up. At that point and time in my healing, I often needed to protect myself by not exposing myself to their over-the-top PDA in front of me, her fawning over my kids, etc, etc. I actually missed some of my kids' athletic events/activities just because I NEEDED to give myself breaks.

The past 6-12 months, I've gotten myself to a point where I never let their behavior impact my own. Some days I feel completely nonplussed by them (those are awesome) but even on a bad day, I keep my distance, maintain composure, and just do my thing (even if I'm upset inside).

Last night my son had a soccer playoff game, and as it was ex's weekend, I knew the entire Brady Bunch would be there putting on a show (what they call her 3 children and my 3 children - she left her ex husband who she had 3 kids with for my ex). Not only did they all show up, she was there with her camera, strutting up and down the sidelines, taking pictures of the kids, which she then e-mailed to the team afterwards.

Once upon a time, that would have made me seethe. Last night, I laughed. My husband (stepfather to my son) is the coach of the team. Ex is too busy with his stepkids/OW to focus on ours. I saw it as a desperate need to get attention/compete with us. It's all ridiculous to me....NOW. But it took a long time to get here.

That's a ridiculously long explanation (sorry) to let you know that I get it. I get the journey to get to the place of indifference with people who insist on disrespecting appropriate boundaries.


Me: 40 and fabulous!
3 children ages 10, 12 and 14
Ex said he wanted separation 2/14/10
DDay #1: 5/23/10 18 month affair with his 22 yr old paralegal
DDay #2 9/22/10 my best friend, now his wife
Divorced: 12/10/10
Re-married a wonderful man.

Posts: 329 | Registered: Jun 2010
She11ybeanz
♀ 27457
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 9:26 AM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I saw it as a desperate need to get attention/compete with us. It's all ridiculous to me....NOW. But it took a long time to get here.

That's a ridiculously long explanation (sorry) to let you know that I get it. I get the journey to get to the place of indifference with people who insist on disrespecting appropriate boundaries.

^^^^THIS THIS THIS! Thank you so much for this! I completely agree that this is like an attention getting thing. Its almost like a competition to her. How many of my friends can she get "to her side" blah blah blah. It all seems so childish to me now and I've already voiced to mutual friends of mine that it is fine with me if they are her friends. I don't have to converse with them together so it doesn't affect me. My XWH HATED...and I do mean HATED running and cardio of any kind when we were married. He used to make fun of me or make jokes about my running and now he is actually faster than me.

The funny part is....a year or 2 ago...that would have truly upset me... because I would only assume that he just finds pleasure in being faster than me....and maybe he does! But, let's face it...he is a man ....and genetically he is predisposed #1 to be faster.... and #2 he has more time on his hands to train (I'm a single mom) and #3 I could give a rats ass if they get faster than me!

Running isn't about them. Its about me and my personal goals of trying to improve and better myself and my own times. A famous quote said, "Run YOUR OWN race! Never try to run someone else's or you will falter" That is so true.

Let them come to where I am. If they are there for the right reasons.....awesome. Good for them. If they are there with motives of ugliness.... than the karma bus will have one (or 2) more speedbump(s) to hit down the road. Not my problem.


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2732 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
ladies_first
♀ 24643
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 1:03 PM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Shelly, you've come a long way with awareness!! Congratulations.

I've gotten better at this. Its like tolerating a tree being nearby us or a breeze blowing along with us.

Precisely. You stay in the moment!
Look, a pretty tree...
Look, a confused MOW...
Look, a dog chasing a squirrel...
Look, that cute guy is checking out my ass as I run past...

Then go about your day.

Would you write 1,000 words about the pretty tree? Would you keep posting about the dog chasing the squirrel?

Notice it. Let it go...

Shelly, you've come a long way baby!


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
She11ybeanz
♀ 27457
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 1:09 PM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Look, that cute guy is checking out my ass as I run past...

Where!!?? WHERE??!!

Thank you sweetie. What's funny....is that I'm not nervous about tonight. In the past I would have been dreading seeing her all day long and had mini panic attacks...but I feel surprisingly calm. This is a good thing I think. I really think I can accomplish indifference over this next year....


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2732 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
better4me
♀ 30341
Member # 30341
Default  Posted: 1:32 PM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I really think I can accomplish indifference over this next year....
YIPPEE. I think you are going to set a PR on indifference in the next year! You are doing so good Shellybeanz!!

"The opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference." Ellie Wiesel


DDay 11/17/2010 BW:53
Divorced

Posts: 3236 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Iowa
She11ybeanz
♀ 27457
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 1:46 PM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"The opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference." Ellie Wiesel

This is SO true! My therapist in IC says this! She said that all of the energy that my XWH spends writing me nasty letters and giving me dirty looks, etc shows that he is not over me because he is not indifferent. I want to be indifferent. I don't want to waste anymore energy hating these insignificant people any longer. They aren't worth my time, my effort, or any more space in my head rent-free. Its time to give them their OFFICIAL eviction notice!


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2732 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
ladies_first
♀ 24643
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 4:31 PM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And my favorite:

Energy follows Attention. ~ladies_first


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
She11ybeanz
♀ 27457
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 8:56 PM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so proud of myself for going tonight to the run! I had a great 6.5 mile run with a good friend...we ran slow behind 3 fast guys....MOW wussed out and didn't show up to the group run and I got some exercise!

GO ME FOR SELF EMPOWERMENT!


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2732 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
persevere
♀ 31468
Member # 31468
Default  Posted: 9:51 PM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Me: BW-44
Him: XWH-44
Together 9 yrs
DDays: 1/10/2011
Status: Divorced 4/27/11

Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling


Posts: 4674 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
hoya96
♀ 28851
Member # 28851
Default  Posted: 12:22 PM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yay! So glad it worked out.


Me: 40 and fabulous!
3 children ages 10, 12 and 14
Ex said he wanted separation 2/14/10
DDay #1: 5/23/10 18 month affair with his 22 yr old paralegal
DDay #2 9/22/10 my best friend, now his wife
Divorced: 12/10/10
Re-married a wonderful man.

Posts: 329 | Registered: Jun 2010
hoya96
♀ 28851
Member # 28851
Default  Posted: 12:22 PM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yay! So glad it worked out.


Me: 40 and fabulous!
3 children ages 10, 12 and 14
Ex said he wanted separation 2/14/10
DDay #1: 5/23/10 18 month affair with his 22 yr old paralegal
DDay #2 9/22/10 my best friend, now his wife
Divorced: 12/10/10
Re-married a wonderful man.

Posts: 329 | Registered: Jun 2010
Bluebird26
♀ 36445
Member # 36445
Default  Posted: 4:52 AM, November 6th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good for you Shelly. Do your own thing. Ignore the drama llamas.


"Loving someone should not mean losing you. Love empowers you. It shouldn't erase you. - Thelma Davis.

Posts: 1382 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Australia
BrokenDaisy
♀ 37063
Member # 37063
Default  Posted: 6:10 AM, November 6th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Awesome happy for you!


Me BxW, him SA NPD WxH
1 wonderful toddler - sole legal custody to me and supervised visitation to xwh.
DDay 01/2012
10/2013 Finally Divorced!!

Posts: 266 | Registered: Oct 2012
Thelastknight
♂ 21851
Member # 21851
Default  Posted: 9:28 AM, November 8th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

POS thought he was a big shot at work. We both had a meeting we needed to attend. He never showed for 6 months. I saved the pos a seat right next to me. Always asked him how my kids are doing. He feels so uncomfortable being around me.


Its not your shame its theres. Keep showing up and be prideful and eventually this will transform into indifferenceand and self respect.

[This message edited by Thelastknight at 9:54 AM, November 8th (Friday)]


"Pain is weakness leaving the body"

Reformed BS 39 xWW 34
Two kids 5 and 2


Posts: 952 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: NW
She11ybeanz
♀ 27457
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 3:13 PM, November 8th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She put "maybe" on both events so that she would have her OUT without looking too pitiful.... and didn't show up to either. Probably because I PROUDLY put I was DEFINITELY going to both! Take that MOW..... gonna have to OWN your shit and deal with it girlfriend! I'm not going anywhere!

[This message edited by She11ybeanz at 3:13 PM, November 8th (Friday)]


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2732 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
Topic Posts: 19

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