SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Just want to thank you all for this great forum. I have been lurking here for a few days having just found out last week about my WS. This has been a miserable week but I am bound and determined to move forward, hopefully WITH him. I had suspected something was 'different'. Can't put my finger on it but he became distant and blank over the summer. I had to travel for two weeks this summer and after usually talking to him several times a day, heard almost nothing during my travels. Figured he was just super busy with work. I returned and he was still distant. One day,I decided to look through the contacts on his phone. Only one I didn't recognize...some initials. I didn't say anything. I let it go but it still was on the back of my mind. I kept wondering who it was. Fast forward to the 26th. WS was out with friends and came home drunk. Fell asleep in chair then moved to bedroom. Meanwhile, the phone he normally carries around like a baby had fallen into the chair. I woke up on the 27th and the nightmare began. The message light was flashing on his phone and I couldn't help myself. It is then that my world fell apart. I have asked WS some specific questions. I am not 100% sure he has told me the truth but I am trying to believe him. Knowing his work schedule and usually knowing his whereabouts, I think it has all been an EA with some meetings just at well traveled parks during daylight hours. He told me that he tried to move the relationship with the OW forward but she put him off because she was already divorced and in a new relationship and wishes she had never divorced in the first place. I just don't know what to believe. WS hates his job, doesn't think he has enough stuff when everyone else has so much more (ie. vehicles, motorcycles, etc). He says he doesn't understand how I could possibly want him back (I do) when he has made such a huge mistake. We are trying to make our M work. We have been trying to tell each other some positives and negatives about each other and work on them. He has been distant mostly, except yesterday he tried to hold my hand and went for a walk with me but yesterday he was a little short-tempered too. I am trying to back off and started exercising (something for me) and will go get my hair done today in an attempt to feel better. We have 3 kids, 2 still live at home. Neither of us have told anyone nor do I want to tell anyone so that's why I'm on here. I don't feel I can share this with anyone but you all. I'm really struggling because I have been married before (I ended that and not because anyone had an A) and told myself if I ever found out that any man I was with had an A (EA or PA) that I would be gone in a flash. So, then, why did I not leave and why do I want this to work so badly? Thanks for listening to me ramble.

Welcome StormyPrincess

The commonly thought "if my spouse ever cheats, I out" is so much harder to do. All sorts of implications but I think most of us have our lives turned on a dime. Right before knowing most of us loved our spouse and had a connection. It is hard to break that quickly. It is also hard to fully accept the deception which is at hand.

I congratulate you for doing some things for you.

As for your husband, there seems to be much self worth issues. One cannot live measuring their worth by what one has in terms of cars and other things. Any change your husband would see a counselor?

Hi SP, I am so sorry you are going through this. I know your pain.

It is very common for the betrayed spouse to have the knee-jerk reaction of wanting to save the M. It might be helpful for you to think of yourself as someone who is in shock, who needs time to adapt to the "new normal," sadly it is the new normal that he has forced upon you and your family.

So he has issues...he wants vehicles and motorcycles?!? Good grief. He hates his job. No kidding. He is a big boy, he needs to deal with it.

I would not necessarily believe him that it was not physical. My H lied to me about the extent of the A in the beginning. How does he know this OW? Has he gone no contact with her? Have you informed her boyfriend of the A? It would probably be a good idea for you to get STD tests also, I'm so sorry.

I also am happy to hear you are exercising, I found that to be very helpful for me. And please look up the 180 and implement it. I would also advise that you might want to light some of his favorite stuff on fire, but you have to be careful about the arson laws in your area. Maybe use the barbecue grill just to be on the safe side.

Take good care of yourself. I'm praying for you.

E.

((StormyPrincess))

As I was reading your post, a few things occurred to me. First, if you are not sure whether Wh has told you 100 per cent of the truth, what is your reaction? Are you wanting more information and details and he is refusing to give it, or minimizing what occurred? If you are not sure, I would continue digging and checking for information. You mentioned that you are trying to believe him but it is really up to him, if he is remorseful, to convince you that he is telling the complete truth through total transparency (unrestricted access to cell phone, email, laptop, computer....). If you do not have transparency, it might be a big sign that there is more to discover.

Secondly, if Wh's husband's excuse for his A was because he doesn't have enough "stuff", that is total BS. There will always be someone with more "stuff". Combined with his disbelief that you actually want him back, it sounds like he has major self-esteem issues. He needs to be actively working on these issues, and figure out why he resorted to an A. While it sounds like you are trying to help him by giving him positive feedback, at this point, he should be focusing on helping you heal from the injury that he has inflicted.

Third, has the A been outed to the OW's boyfriend? You mention that he continues to be distant and was short tempered yesterday. Has your WH gone NC with the OW? It sounds like the A may be still going on. He should be told and given proof of the relationship.

Finally, at one week out from DDay, focus on yourself and your children. Take whatever time you need to figure out what is best for you. Read through The Healing Library (top left corner, yellow box). One book that will help is Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass. Make sure that you drink liquids (not alcohol) and stay nourished. Make sure that your children know that they are loved. Process your feelings and stay strong.

Welcome here little sister...

You WH has a lot of work ahead of him. I can tell from what you've posted that he has issues with emotional maturity, boundaries (obviously), and self identity.

The fact that he defines himself by his possessions and compares it to where others stand indicate the lack of self identity and awareness. This can get into very dangerous territory because he doesn't focus on himself and his own achievement and only cares about being better than others. The problems that lead to the affair are his and he must own them and accept responsibility for his decision. He has to fix himself if your marriage is to get any better. Counseling is a must.

The fact that he didn't pursue the affair because she was divorced and in a relationship is completely selfish. What if she wasn't? Would that have been okay then? No. He should have stopped because he realised his behaviour was wrong and that it was hurtful to you. Period. The affair had nothing to do with the OW (or you). It was all about filling his empty ego with a quick stroke so that he could construct and idealise a fantasy version of himself.

I know and understand that you want to make this marriage work. Please understand that no matter how Herculean an effort you put in, if he doesn't do his part it won't work. But you can focus on yourself and the choices you make.

I would think about what your needs are for you to stay in the marriage and what behaviour you won't tolerate in it. If your WH is remoreful he will accept responsibility for his selfish choices without blaming anyone/thing else, block the OW from your lives, and work to rebuild with 100% verifiable honesty and transparency. Once you know what your needs/boundaries are, I would share this with him and tell him that's what you need to stay in the marriage and he can follow up how he sees fit.

Make sure you read in the Healing Library (pay attention to the 180 if you think it applies) and see a doctor and counseler yourself to make sure you're at your best. I also suggest getting a free consult with a lawyer to educate yourself about your rights and options.

If you truly want to be infidelity free, then you must commit to that. That means either it gets removed from the marriage, or you remove yourself from the marriage. If you aren't willing to stand up for your rights in the relationship, then no-one else will. Respect yourself and honour the person you are. You have worth. Be strong and believe in yourself.

You're gonna be okay

Hi everyone who has taken the time to read my post and give me some advice/feedback. Yes, I'm still in shock. I am thankful for all of your notes and prayers. I have not paid attention to ME in years. That is my first step. I have gone for a few walks and started doing some daily exercises (not that I am that overweight but it will help!) and went and had my hair done (hadn't done that in a while either). I'm going to take some time to be "selfish" and dig a bit to find out some of the torrid details. I can be a really good investigator when I need to do so! I'm going to read up on the stuff in the Healing Library like you all suggested. I'm just glad I stumbled across this forum. I'll check in soon.