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It's been a week and a day....(sorry this is long)

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StormyPrincess posted 11/4/2013 08:08 AM

Just want to thank you all for this great forum. I have been lurking here for a few days having just found out last week about my WS. This has been a miserable week but I am bound and determined to move forward, hopefully WITH him. I had suspected something was 'different'. Can't put my finger on it but he became distant and blank over the summer. I had to travel for two weeks this summer and after usually talking to him several times a day, heard almost nothing during my travels. Figured he was just super busy with work. I returned and he was still distant. One day,I decided to look through the contacts on his phone. Only one I didn't recognize...some initials. I didn't say anything. I let it go but it still was on the back of my mind. I kept wondering who it was. Fast forward to the 26th. WS was out with friends and came home drunk. Fell asleep in chair then moved to bedroom. Meanwhile, the phone he normally carries around like a baby had fallen into the chair. I woke up on the 27th and the nightmare began. The message light was flashing on his phone and I couldn't help myself. It is then that my world fell apart. I have asked WS some specific questions. I am not 100% sure he has told me the truth but I am trying to believe him. Knowing his work schedule and usually knowing his whereabouts, I think it has all been an EA with some meetings just at well traveled parks during daylight hours. He told me that he tried to move the relationship with the OW forward but she put him off because she was already divorced and in a new relationship and wishes she had never divorced in the first place. I just don't know what to believe. WS hates his job, doesn't think he has enough stuff when everyone else has so much more (ie. vehicles, motorcycles, etc). He says he doesn't understand how I could possibly want him back (I do) when he has made such a huge mistake. We are trying to make our M work. We have been trying to tell each other some positives and negatives about each other and work on them. He has been distant mostly, except yesterday he tried to hold my hand and went for a walk with me but yesterday he was a little short-tempered too. I am trying to back off and started exercising (something for me) and will go get my hair done today in an attempt to feel better. We have 3 kids, 2 still live at home. Neither of us have told anyone nor do I want to tell anyone so that's why I'm on here. I don't feel I can share this with anyone but you all. I'm really struggling because I have been married before (I ended that and not because anyone had an A) and told myself if I ever found out that any man I was with had an A (EA or PA) that I would be gone in a flash. So, then, why did I not leave and why do I want this to work so badly? Thanks for listening to me ramble.

MovingUpward posted 11/4/2013 08:59 AM

Welcome StormyPrincess

The commonly thought "if my spouse ever cheats, I out" is so much harder to do. All sorts of implications but I think most of us have our lives turned on a dime. Right before knowing most of us loved our spouse and had a connection. It is hard to break that quickly. It is also hard to fully accept the deception which is at hand.

I congratulate you for doing some things for you.

As for your husband, there seems to be much self worth issues. One cannot live measuring their worth by what one has in terms of cars and other things. Any change your husband would see a counselor?

Edith posted 11/4/2013 11:51 AM

Hi SP, I am so sorry you are going through this. I know your pain.

It is very common for the betrayed spouse to have the knee-jerk reaction of wanting to save the M. It might be helpful for you to think of yourself as someone who is in shock, who needs time to adapt to the "new normal," sadly it is the new normal that he has forced upon you and your family.

So he has issues...he wants vehicles and motorcycles?!? Good grief. He hates his job. No kidding. He is a big boy, he needs to deal with it.

I would not necessarily believe him that it was not physical. My H lied to me about the extent of the A in the beginning. How does he know this OW? Has he gone no contact with her? Have you informed her boyfriend of the A? It would probably be a good idea for you to get STD tests also, I'm so sorry.

I also am happy to hear you are exercising, I found that to be very helpful for me. And please look up the 180 and implement it. I would also advise that you might want to light some of his favorite stuff on fire, but you have to be careful about the arson laws in your area. Maybe use the barbecue grill just to be on the safe side.

Take good care of yourself. I'm praying for you.


meplusfour posted 11/4/2013 14:08 PM


As I was reading your post, a few things occurred to me. First, if you are not sure whether Wh has told you 100 per cent of the truth, what is your reaction? Are you wanting more information and details and he is refusing to give it, or minimizing what occurred? If you are not sure, I would continue digging and checking for information. You mentioned that you are trying to believe him but it is really up to him, if he is remorseful, to convince you that he is telling the complete truth through total transparency (unrestricted access to cell phone, email, laptop, computer....). If you do not have transparency, it might be a big sign that there is more to discover.

Secondly, if Wh's husband's excuse for his A was because he doesn't have enough "stuff", that is total BS. There will always be someone with more "stuff". Combined with his disbelief that you actually want him back, it sounds like he has major self-esteem issues. He needs to be actively working on these issues, and figure out why he resorted to an A. While it sounds like you are trying to help him by giving him positive feedback, at this point, he should be focusing on helping you heal from the injury that he has inflicted.

Third, has the A been outed to the OW's boyfriend? You mention that he continues to be distant and was short tempered yesterday. Has your WH gone NC with the OW? It sounds like the A may be still going on. He should be told and given proof of the relationship.

Finally, at one week out from DDay, focus on yourself and your children. Take whatever time you need to figure out what is best for you. Read through The Healing Library (top left corner, yellow box). One book that will help is Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass. Make sure that you drink liquids (not alcohol) and stay nourished. Make sure that your children know that they are loved. Process your feelings and stay strong.

SerJR posted 11/4/2013 19:58 PM

Welcome here little sister...

You WH has a lot of work ahead of him. I can tell from what you've posted that he has issues with emotional maturity, boundaries (obviously), and self identity.

The fact that he defines himself by his possessions and compares it to where others stand indicate the lack of self identity and awareness. This can get into very dangerous territory because he doesn't focus on himself and his own achievement and only cares about being better than others. The problems that lead to the affair are his and he must own them and accept responsibility for his decision. He has to fix himself if your marriage is to get any better. Counseling is a must.

The fact that he didn't pursue the affair because she was divorced and in a relationship is completely selfish. What if she wasn't? Would that have been okay then? No. He should have stopped because he realised his behaviour was wrong and that it was hurtful to you. Period. The affair had nothing to do with the OW (or you). It was all about filling his empty ego with a quick stroke so that he could construct and idealise a fantasy version of himself.

I know and understand that you want to make this marriage work. Please understand that no matter how Herculean an effort you put in, if he doesn't do his part it won't work. But you can focus on yourself and the choices you make.

I would think about what your needs are for you to stay in the marriage and what behaviour you won't tolerate in it. If your WH is remoreful he will accept responsibility for his selfish choices without blaming anyone/thing else, block the OW from your lives, and work to rebuild with 100% verifiable honesty and transparency. Once you know what your needs/boundaries are, I would share this with him and tell him that's what you need to stay in the marriage and he can follow up how he sees fit.

Make sure you read in the Healing Library (pay attention to the 180 if you think it applies) and see a doctor and counseler yourself to make sure you're at your best. I also suggest getting a free consult with a lawyer to educate yourself about your rights and options.

If you truly want to be infidelity free, then you must commit to that. That means either it gets removed from the marriage, or you remove yourself from the marriage. If you aren't willing to stand up for your rights in the relationship, then no-one else will. Respect yourself and honour the person you are. You have worth. Be strong and believe in yourself.

You're gonna be okay

StormyPrincess posted 11/5/2013 12:43 PM

Hi everyone who has taken the time to read my post and give me some advice/feedback. Yes, I'm still in shock. I am thankful for all of your notes and prayers. I have not paid attention to ME in years. That is my first step. I have gone for a few walks and started doing some daily exercises (not that I am that overweight but it will help!) and went and had my hair done (hadn't done that in a while either). I'm going to take some time to be "selfish" and dig a bit to find out some of the torrid details. I can be a really good investigator when I need to do so! I'm going to read up on the stuff in the Healing Library like you all suggested. I'm just glad I stumbled across this forum. I'll check in soon.

loli posted 11/6/2013 03:51 AM

Dearest Stormy Princess,
I completely understand your state of shock right now as I have also been betrayed 1wk and 1 day ago.

Nevertheless, I think you shouldn't try to fix your M on your own with WH. I think, most importantly, you should take care of YOURSELF. Exercise is a great idea, but seeing a therapist on your own would be helpful too. Don't try to do this alone, please.

I start next week with a therapist and am convinced that will help work through the tornado of emotions we feel as a BS.

Also, find one outlet (friend,support group, family member, etc.) you can confide in, who cares about you, someone who won't judge you and will just listen. I would hate to see you lock all this insanity away inside of you.

Please care for yourself right now. That's the most important thing.

StormyPrincess posted 11/6/2013 07:28 AM

Can one of you point me to the 180 article? I'm not seeing it. I thought about therapy (is that IC?) and have no money. Is there anything online and free? We are paycheck to paycheck and make too much to be eligible for any kind of help as far as I can tell.

I figured out who the OW was. WS' bosses XW who works in the office at his company.

WS says he will only talk to her at work if absolutely necessary (and it will be necessary as she is the only one in the business office) and has taken her personal number out of his phone. I told him to find another job. He seems sorry but how do you know if they are truly remorseful? He says he wants to make it work with me.

StormyPrincess posted 11/6/2013 14:33 PM

I found the 180 article. I am going to try it. I usually am very opinionated and talk A LOT so this is going to be a challenge for me. There are lots of good articles. I am going to sit and read them tonight after I get home from my activities.

StormyPrincess posted 11/8/2013 07:40 AM

TGIF? I got the nerve up to make a list of questions to ask WH. He answered them all. The problem is, I told him earlier in the day (Monday) that I wanted to address all of this when he got home. Apparently, he spent the day figuring out a "story". I had noted the OP phone number and decided Tuesday morning to do a reverse look-up. It wasn't the name that he gave me Monday night. That is when I learned it was the office manager at his company (the boss' ex-wife...yes, she still works there..very small company). I wanted to puke.

OP lives with her boyfriend and their kids (from each prior marriage, no kids together). So, I texted WH and asked why he lied to me (again). He said he didn't want anyone to get in trouble. So last night we got to the bottom of it. Totally emotional/fantasy affair with texting only and no meetings. This part I believe because WH has a very regular schedule and no time really to be meeting up due to his work and where our home is. So, I think I believe that they have not met up.

WH says he started asking her about divorce towards the end of the summer because he was not happy here and then things got flirtatious and progressed to lots of phone sexting I guess you could call it. He has deleted her personal number from his phone and says he will only contact her at the office number for work-related things.

Am I allowed to look at his phone whenever I want make sure of this? I did tell him I need total transparency for this to work. He says he wants us to work. He said he was looking to talk to someone about divorce because I'm a nag and too politically correct!

He says he 'effed' up(excuse my language) and wants to R. I'm not so sure though. He is still very distant, although we have had s*$ and it was best in years. He has been texting or calling throughout the days (never did that before in all of our years), and is actually doing a few things with me (went shopping together, ate out, went for two walks). I wrote him a list of what I need for this to work. He hasn't mentioned it or done any of it.

I want to try the 180 but I don't really get it (yes, I have a degree but might be slightly blonde!...ok, I AM blonde). Can one of you explain that to me?

I did see a text that he sent OP that says no more contact. I want him to switch jobs though as it is just to weird for me.

Sorry this is so long. I'm glad you all are here (well, not really, but you know what I mean).

[This message edited by StormyPrincess at 7:50 AM, November 8th (Friday)]

BrokenMomof2 posted 11/8/2013 12:54 PM

You have every right to have access to everything. I have put a parental control on my husbands phone so I have access to all his calls/texts/apps/everything! And I have access to all his emails and social media sites. My H is completely willing to let me have everything and things like that will slowly help restore the trust.

It is still hard to start building the trust if he is still being distant like you said. When the trust is completely gone you need to see that he is willing to have his life be a completely open book until you no longer have the need to ask questions. As BS's I believe we have every right to ask every question that pops into our head, we shouldn't have to tip-toe around a subject to avoid getting our WS upset. They are the ones at fault.

I admit I was glad to read that you and your WS has had s*$ so soon after. Since the A came to light my H and I have talked like we haven't in years and the attraction started so fast it scared me. my H and I have not gone there yet but it has been close.

I feel torn. Even though I hate what he did I do not hate him and I still feel comfort when he holds my hand and when he hugs me and kisses me.

As far as a counselor goes, do you belong to a church? you could contact a pastor, or bishop in either yours or a family members church and I am sure they would be able to help you with finding the right help and have resources that will help with the money issues. My H and I have gone once so far and I plan on going for myself as well. It is hard for him to come since he is out of town training for the next 2 months and can only come home on the weekends. But it did help us feel better about the little progress made so far and how things have been handled since his A came out.

I hope to start doing more things for myself like you have. I know its easier said then done, but keep your strength up, think of you and the kids, he needs to fight for what he could lose and needs to put all of himself into it if he wants to really R.

NeverAgain2013 posted 11/8/2013 14:09 PM

OP lives with her boyfriend and their kids (from each prior marriage, no kids together). So, I texted WH and asked why he lied to me (again). He said he didn't want anyone to get in trouble. So last night we got to the bottom of it. Totally emotional/fantasy affair with texting only and no meetings. This part I believe because WH has a very regular schedule and no time really to be meeting up due to his work and where our home is. So, I think I believe that they have not met up

They work in the same building. They're only feet from each other.

I think you're setting yourself up for some heartbreak if you believe one word out of his mouth. We ALL made the mistake of believing these liars the first time it all hit the fan and we asked them for the truth. I honestly don't know one betrayed wife whose gotten the actual REAL truth on D-Day. Most of us have had to dig and dig and interrogate and spy and investigate - sometimes for MONTHS - before the real truth comes out.

These two had WAY too much opportunity at lunch times and break times and everything else.

In fact, just 2 weeks ago my boss had to go investigate a 'smell of smoke' in one of the electrical rooms in our building (it's believed an employee has been sneaking cigarettes in there rather than smoke outside). Well, the smoke smell wasn't really there by the time she got there - but she found two married coworkers (male and female) getting cozy at breaktime there in the electrical room. You can believe the LAST person they wanted to see was the head of HR.

In other words, no one knew this was going on and had we not been looking for a sneaky smoker, we wouldn't have known about their little trysts, either. But now we do.

I just hate to see you set yourself up listening to his lies when he actually had PLENTY of opportunity to be alone with this woman over the course of the day. Where was he spending his lunchtime every day? Out in his car? Leaving the premises and going to a park?

Please go read some of the "trickle truth" posts - those women are in agony because they keep finding out horrible truths their husbands wouldn't tell them on D-Day. And just about every woman whose been betrayed and told it was an EA has come back to post that it was a physical affair and it's like she's experiencing another D-Day all over again.

Knowledge is POWER, Stormy.

StormyPrincess posted 11/8/2013 14:29 PM

Thanks NeverAgain for reading my post and taking the time to reply. I have to clarify about his workplace. This is a construction biz and she is the Office Manager at a site in another town (not where the jobsites are. The only time he goes to that office is when they are prepping equipment with owners on site ( I'm not so sure but that is how I think). Her xH is an owner and from what I can glean, he is usually there. It's all too much for me to grasp. He has always eaten his home-brought lunch with the guys in his truck or cab. I will keep digging. I copied the Letter to Joseph and changed it up a bit and sent it to my WH. He at least owes me the whole truth and nothing but the truth so I can make an informed decision as to what to do here. You are all so kind and I'm truly glad I've found you all. One of the posters above suggested going to the priests but I work for mine so that might be awkward. I really am numb and just want this nightmare to be over.

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