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Newest Member: Turtlemode (46041)

User Topic: A bad excuse
whyme1525
♂ 40878
Member # 40878
Default  Posted: 8:11 AM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was talking to my ww by text.and I guess I said something about how she felt during the A. I think I said there is no way you can love me and do what you did.. Well her answer was "I can't speak to how I felt during the A because that wasn't me I feel like l wasnt myself". Is it me or is that not the worst excuse ever.....

Posts: 59 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: whyme1525
jemimapd
♀ 37895
Member # 37895
Default  Posted: 8:26 AM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think it depends on how it is interpreted. If your wife means that she was not 100% responsible, then yes, it is a very poor excuse.

But if someone is truly remorseful, then it can mean that they stepped away from their true character. For example My DD6 can occasionally say mean things. But at heart I know she is a kind little girl with a good heart. So in those circumstances, being mean "wasn't herself".

I don't think my husband is a bad person. I think he felt entitled and he was stupid enough to believe he would get away with it. He didn't set out to hurt me. So it is a very complex set of motives and there are many, many discussions on SI about "how the wayward thought it was OK to cheat"

Personally, I think you cannot truly love someone and then cheat and lie to them but that is just my opinion!


Jemima Puddleduck is a trusting soul....
DD 1 Dec 2012; Divorced 11/13; 2 children
Me: BS (47) Him: WH (52) Her: 3 PA's
Ex bought a house, The Money Pit With Mold That Will Never Be Finished. He's living in the basement.

Posts: 726 | Registered: Dec 2012
mchercheur
♀ 37735
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 8:27 AM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"I can't speak to how I felt during the A because that wasn't me I feel like l wasnt myself".

That is like saying "I didn't know what I was doing because I was drunk."


Me: BW
Him: WH --Had 7 mo. PA with COW;
Married 20something years with kids
Trying to R

Posts: 1465 | Registered: Dec 2012
KatieG
♀ 41222
Member # 41222
Default  Posted: 8:37 AM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Or could it be that she wants you to think differently about her.

You could ask, how do you/I know you are the real you now?


DD#1 - 6th Oct 13 - TT
DD#2 - 9th Nov 13 - Full disclosure
DD#3 - 12th May 14 - FOG lifted and in R
7 week A, 2 weeks together, rest phone and email - PA and EA

Posts: 514 | Registered: Nov 2013
jjct
♂ 17484
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 8:49 AM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"I wasn't myself" makes frequent appearances in the WS forums...many times, when they're beginning to feel remorse, and begin to feel appalled at how terrible they were.

Like KatieG pointed out - it's their willingness to answer the next question that will indicate the amount of digging they're willing to do.

Stay strong!


Posts: 6840 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
DefeatedDad
♂ 41026
Member # 41026
Default  Posted: 9:47 AM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My fWW is adamant that she never stopped loving me during her affair.

With her the affair was a sexual one. I have gone over the eight months of texts and emails between her and the OM and there was very little talk of love or affection. They were not planning on leaving their SOs or families, and it seemed like the A was winding down by the time I caught her.

My fWW is a compartmentalizer. She was able to mentally check out during her trysts with the OM. Then she would shower and come back home and be there as Supermom when the kids got home from school.


Me - BS 46
Wife - WS 44
Son 13, Daughter 17
Married 22 years
D-day May 16, 2012
TT D-Day 2 9/25/17
TT D-Day 3 1/02/14

Divorcing her sorry a--.


Posts: 217 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: New Mexico
whyme1525
♂ 40878
Member # 40878
Default  Posted: 3:15 PM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think she means that it wasn't her because she can't believe she did it.. my problem with that is for a whole year I told her she was doing something and that she checked out of our marriage and she just lied right to my face even made her self cry about how she wasn't doing anything and I just dont trust her. So how do you say now you weren't yourself.. I don't know.maybe it's just me but it just drives me crazy how she didn't give a fuck about me for a whole year including just 4 months ago.when she left me lying in a recovery room in the city after having my knee replaced so she could be with the om in my house, my bed and I even called her while he was in my house practically in tears from pain begging her to come back to.the hospital granted it was 11pm but still she rushed me off the phone cause she was busy and put her phone on the other side of the room so I didn't bother her she didn't say that part about me.bothering her but I know it's true cause she ignored any text or calls.from that point on. my problem there is what if the doctor was calling her for.something important especially cause when she rushed out of the hospital I was still in recovery becouse I was bleeding heavily from the drain and they were having trouble controlling it.. How if you loved me and gave a crap about me do you do leave that hospital?? How when I call you don't you realize what your doing and throw the om out? How do you.ignore phone calls cause your busy when you know your husband is in the hospital??? The only possible answer is unfortunately she truly didn't care if I was dead or alive... so why now after you get caught do you want to R. I just don't get it. sorry I started venting.......

Posts: 59 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: whyme1525
numb&dumb
♂ 28542
Member # 28542
Default  Posted: 3:49 PM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My reply to most response like that has always been, "but it was you."

Minimizing, pure and simple. Maybe a little damage control thrown in for good measure.

The hospital incident. Wow. I have no words except that I am sorry.


Me-35 her-35

DS 1, DD 6
Dday 8/31/11. ONS that occurred 3 years earlier. Lied to for 3 years.

Every truth comes to light in a long enough timeline.


Posts: 2570 | Registered: May 2010
GotMyLifeBck2013
♂ 40531
Member # 40531
Default  Posted: 3:55 PM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was treated like hell for years. I get it. Divorce is the bomb partner. Having fun, enjoying life, and the best thing i ever did was go quiet, very little discussion. Time to move on!


I define me! I don't just survive, I thrive!!

Me: fBH 46
Her: exWW 42
DDay: Nov 1, 2012
Divorced: September 17, 2013


Posts: 289 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Ohio
ascian
♂ 40304
Member # 40304
Default  Posted: 3:56 PM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WW has tried saying things like that a couple times, but I've not let her get away with it. It was her, the affair did mean something to her, and to try and pretend otherwise will only get us in that same trouble some time in the future.

At least she never tried the "but he never meant anything to me" line.


Me - BH 40
Her - FWW 37
D-Day: 8/13
Working on R

Posts: 325 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Midwest
whyme1525
♂ 40878
Member # 40878
Default  Posted: 4:10 PM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so lost and confused right now. Don't know what to do anymore I have seen a lawyer already and have made it clear to ww that im not sure what im going to do... As for her she has had nc since d-day and has been in ic since and we have had a couple of mc sessions. just never imagined after 9 years of marriage and 12 years being together this would be it... the worst is all I have is time to think about this since unfortunately I have many medical issue and can no longer work...

Posts: 59 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: whyme1525
whyme1525
♂ 40878
Member # 40878
Default  Posted: 4:15 PM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ascian- she tried that line during mc and the mc turned around and said some part of you did love him....

Posts: 59 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: whyme1525
painfulpast
♀ 41038
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 4:17 PM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's not the worst excuse ever, but it's up there. So she has no clue how she felt huh? Just because she was acting out of character?

That's pretty weak


The stones from my enemies, these wounds will mend
but I cannot survive the roses from my friends

Posts: 1898 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
DefeatedDad
♂ 41026
Member # 41026
Default  Posted: 4:49 PM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hope you got rid of your marital bed....

Well after reading what you just wrote, I don't see many similiarities between my WW and yours.

Any woman who would abandon her husband during a major surgery to go phuk her OM on her marital bed is a woman who hates her husband.

Im sorry Whyme, but your wife is playing games and is not being honest. It takes and ENORMOUS amount of disrespect and hate for a wife to sink to that level.

I don't see how you can get over that. I would have kicked her to the curb, threw her shit on the lawn and changed the locks.


Me - BS 46
Wife - WS 44
Son 13, Daughter 17
Married 22 years
D-day May 16, 2012
TT D-Day 2 9/25/17
TT D-Day 3 1/02/14

Divorcing her sorry a--.


Posts: 217 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: New Mexico
whyme1525
♂ 40878
Member # 40878
Default  Posted: 6:35 PM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Deafeatedad- I have said the same thing 100 times but she says no she didn't hate me and have always loved me during the whole A I just don't get it..

Posts: 59 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: whyme1525
raich
♂ 41185
Member # 41185
Default  Posted: 9:06 PM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WS for OEA was: It didn't feel real to me, it was like watching porn.

Or:
I got sucked into it


BS: 31
WS: 26
3 kids (5, 3, 10 months)
Together for 6 years.
D-Day #1 19/09-2013
D-Day #2 far worse 15/10-2013
Wondering who i was supposed to Marry. ..

Posts: 26 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Norway
ascian
♂ 40304
Member # 40304
Default  Posted: 8:28 AM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

whyme, in my (thankfully) limited experience our WSes aren't always conscious of their feelings. In my wife's case, she didn't want to look too closely at her actions during the A because it would make her confront the difference between who she thought she was and who she actually was during that time.

At first, in discussing the A, her comments were along the lines of "I didn't think you loved me anymore, so I told myself it was alright" or "You didn't say anything" (because I didn't know) "so I thought you were giving me away. These were the safe stories she was telling herself to keep from having to see the hurt and betrayal her actions would cause.

Then she got angry; rather than confronting her actions she wanted to confront me. Luckily this was pretty short lived in my WW's case since I don't think would have put up with more than an afternoon or so of "Well if you had paid more attention then I wouldn't have felt so alone."

We're doing better now, though we have days of struggle and hurt. She recognizes that she hurt me and a lot of other people, and that it was her that did it, not some stranger. My wife's pretty resistant to self-reflection, always has been, but she apparently loves me more than she hates that so she's putting in the effort.


Me - BH 40
Her - FWW 37
D-Day: 8/13
Working on R

Posts: 325 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Midwest
Gumdropped
♀ 40798
Member # 40798
Default  Posted: 8:56 AM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Because I am still trying to come to terms with my SO two online affairs (DDay was May 2013) I am doing a lot of reading. Dr Phil is one of my go to people and I am reading and re reading his Life Strategies Life Law #3 People Do What Works. No matter what our wandering partners say, they Are and Did get something out of their cheating. That's why they didn't stop. Most of the posts on this site say it didn't stop until they were discovered. Very few fessed up out if guilt. Until they stop and take a really good look at the real reason they strayed it seems almost impossible to look forward to moving past the affair.


Me: 56
Him: 60
Together 3 years


Living together 14 months
D day May 13th 2013
R


Posts: 209 | Registered: Sep 2013
GotMyLifeBck2013
♂ 40531
Member # 40531
Default  Posted: 12:01 PM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ask yourself if the excuses and the justifications are worth your living hell. You will never trust her again. Do you deserve it?


I define me! I don't just survive, I thrive!!

Me: fBH 46
Her: exWW 42
DDay: Nov 1, 2012
Divorced: September 17, 2013


Posts: 289 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Ohio
whyme1525
♂ 40878
Member # 40878
Default  Posted: 2:07 PM, November 5th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

so im I crazy to sometimes believe that she truly wants to R.. I know im the only one who can decide what too do. But im I right in assuming most of you would be out the door already knowing what she did? I ask myself everyday if I will ever be able to get over what she did to me when I was in the hospital and everyday I come up with a different answer. I just don't know anymore..

Posts: 59 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: whyme1525
Topic Posts: 32
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