SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

I was talking to my ww by text.and I guess I said something about how she felt during the A. I think I said there is no way you can love me and do what you did.. Well her answer was "I can't speak to how I felt during the A because that wasn't me I feel like l wasnt myself". Is it me or is that not the worst excuse ever.....

I think it depends on how it is interpreted. If your wife means that she was not 100% responsible, then yes, it is a very poor excuse.

But if someone is truly remorseful, then it can mean that they stepped away from their true character. For example My DD6 can occasionally say mean things. But at heart I know she is a kind little girl with a good heart. So in those circumstances, being mean "wasn't herself".

I don't think my husband is a bad person. I think he felt entitled and he was stupid enough to believe he would get away with it. He didn't set out to hurt me. So it is a very complex set of motives and there are many, many discussions on SI about "how the wayward thought it was OK to cheat"

Personally, I think you cannot truly love someone and then cheat and lie to them but that is just my opinion!

"I can't speak to how I felt during the A because that wasn't me I feel like l wasnt myself".

That is like saying "I didn't know what I was doing because I was drunk."

Or could it be that she wants you to think differently about her.

You could ask, how do you/I know you are the real you now?

"I wasn't myself" makes frequent appearances in the WS forums...many times, when they're beginning to feel remorse, and begin to feel appalled at how terrible they were.

Like KatieG pointed out - it's their willingness to answer the next question that will indicate the amount of digging they're willing to do.

Stay strong!

My fWW is adamant that she never stopped loving me during her affair.

With her the affair was a sexual one. I have gone over the eight months of texts and emails between her and the OM and there was very little talk of love or affection. They were not planning on leaving their SOs or families, and it seemed like the A was winding down by the time I caught her.

My fWW is a compartmentalizer. She was able to mentally check out during her trysts with the OM. Then she would shower and come back home and be there as Supermom when the kids got home from school.

I think she means that it wasn't her because she can't believe she did it.. my problem with that is for a whole year I told her she was doing something and that she checked out of our marriage and she just lied right to my face even made her self cry about how she wasn't doing anything and I just dont trust her. So how do you say now you weren't yourself.. I don't know.maybe it's just me but it just drives me crazy how she didn't give a fuck about me for a whole year including just 4 months ago.when she left me lying in a recovery room in the city after having my knee replaced so she could be with the om in my house, my bed and I even called her while he was in my house practically in tears from pain begging her to come back to.the hospital granted it was 11pm but still she rushed me off the phone cause she was busy and put her phone on the other side of the room so I didn't bother her she didn't say that part about me.bothering her but I know it's true cause she ignored any text or calls.from that point on. my problem there is what if the doctor was calling her for.something important especially cause when she rushed out of the hospital I was still in recovery becouse I was bleeding heavily from the drain and they were having trouble controlling it.. How if you loved me and gave a crap about me do you do leave that hospital?? How when I call you don't you realize what your doing and throw the om out? How do you.ignore phone calls cause your busy when you know your husband is in the hospital??? The only possible answer is unfortunately she truly didn't care if I was dead or alive... so why now after you get caught do you want to R. I just don't get it. sorry I started venting.......

My reply to most response like that has always been, "but it was you."

Minimizing, pure and simple. Maybe a little damage control thrown in for good measure.

The hospital incident. Wow. I have no words except that I am sorry.

I was treated like hell for years. I get it. Divorce is the bomb partner. Having fun, enjoying life, and the best thing i ever did was go quiet, very little discussion. Time to move on!

My WW has tried saying things like that a couple times, but I've not let her get away with it. It was her, the affair did mean something to her, and to try and pretend otherwise will only get us in that same trouble some time in the future.

At least she never tried the "but he never meant anything to me" line.

I'm so lost and confused right now. Don't know what to do anymore I have seen a lawyer already and have made it clear to ww that im not sure what im going to do... As for her she has had nc since d-day and has been in ic since and we have had a couple of mc sessions. just never imagined after 9 years of marriage and 12 years being together this would be it... the worst is all I have is time to think about this since unfortunately I have many medical issue and can no longer work...

ascian- she tried that line during mc and the mc turned around and said some part of you did love him....

It's not the worst excuse ever, but it's up there. So she has no clue how she felt huh? Just because she was acting out of character?

That's pretty weak

I hope you got rid of your marital bed....

Well after reading what you just wrote, I don't see many similiarities between my WW and yours.

Any woman who would abandon her husband during a major surgery to go phuk her OM on her marital bed is a woman who hates her husband.

Im sorry Whyme, but your wife is playing games and is not being honest. It takes and ENORMOUS amount of disrespect and hate for a wife to sink to that level.

I don't see how you can get over that. I would have kicked her to the curb, threw her shit on the lawn and changed the locks.

Deafeatedad- I have said the same thing 100 times but she says no she didn't hate me and have always loved me during the whole A I just don't get it..

My WS for OEA was: It didn't feel real to me, it was like watching porn.

Or:
I got sucked into it

whyme, in my (thankfully) limited experience our WSes aren't always conscious of their feelings. In my wife's case, she didn't want to look too closely at her actions during the A because it would make her confront the difference between who she thought she was and who she actually was during that time.

At first, in discussing the A, her comments were along the lines of "I didn't think you loved me anymore, so I told myself it was alright" or "You didn't say anything" (because I didn't know) "so I thought you were giving me away. These were the safe stories she was telling herself to keep from having to see the hurt and betrayal her actions would cause.

Then she got angry; rather than confronting her actions she wanted to confront me. Luckily this was pretty short lived in my WW's case since I don't think would have put up with more than an afternoon or so of "Well if you had paid more attention then I wouldn't have felt so alone."

We're doing better now, though we have days of struggle and hurt. She recognizes that she hurt me and a lot of other people, and that it was her that did it, not some stranger. My wife's pretty resistant to self-reflection, always has been, but she apparently loves me more than she hates that so she's putting in the effort.

Because I am still trying to come to terms with my SO two online affairs (DDay was May 2013) I am doing a lot of reading. Dr Phil is one of my go to people and I am reading and re reading his Life Strategies Life Law #3 People Do What Works. No matter what our wandering partners say, they Are and Did get something out of their cheating. That's why they didn't stop. Most of the posts on this site say it didn't stop until they were discovered. Very few fessed up out if guilt. Until they stop and take a really good look at the real reason they strayed it seems almost impossible to look forward to moving past the affair.

Ask yourself if the excuses and the justifications are worth your living hell. You will never trust her again. Do you deserve it?

so im I crazy to sometimes believe that she truly wants to R.. I know im the only one who can decide what too do. But im I right in assuming most of you would be out the door already knowing what she did? I ask myself everyday if I will ever be able to get over what she did to me when I was in the hospital and everyday I come up with a different answer. I just don't know anymore..