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ionlytalkedtoher posted 11/4/2013 08:43 AM

[This message edited by ionlytalkedtoher at 2:07 PM, March 30th (Sunday)]

LosferWords posted 11/4/2013 09:18 AM

I think resentment is a common feeling when dealing with all of this.

I can honestly tell you that being a "giver" versus a "taker" has absolutely no bearing upon the actions that our spouses make. They are going to do what they are going to do.

One thing I have always struggled with is the concept of forgiveness. Have you read "How Can I Forgive You?" by Janis Spring? Great book. This one really helped me with not only forgiveness, but acceptance as well.

How are your husband's actions in the here and now? Is he being loyal and loving to you?

stillcrying4ever posted 11/4/2013 10:21 AM
Here is another something to read on forgiveness. I had posted it before but seemed like most don't want to forgive. Just seems like people want to live in their pain and blame.
I don't want to do that anymore. I'm tired of the pain and sadness. I want to move on and be happy again.
All I can do is work on myself and hopefully from what I do we will become only better as a couple.
When we change ourselves for the better it helps our spouses to change for the better also.
Hoping not to get too much flack from this post.
I really just want to be happy again and will work on myself to try to accomplish that.

stillcrying4ever posted 11/4/2013 10:28 AM

And believe me....I do all the same things you are still doing. Just not 24/7 but too much. It's so hard!

Marathonwaseasy posted 11/4/2013 10:40 AM

I want to forgive
Not sure I can just yet though

Marathonwaseasy posted 11/4/2013 10:40 AM

I want to forgive
Not sure I can just yet though

stillcrying4ever posted 11/4/2013 10:43 AM

I so understand. I think I forgive and then I don't. Always a constant struggle. But tired of being hurt and sad.

heartache101 posted 11/4/2013 10:58 AM

I think resentment is the hardest thing to overcome myself. I don't believe I am ever capable to forgive but I have moved on. I resent a lot in my life I just don't want his affair to rule my life. So I try to stay out of the past. I stood in the past at that time not knowing why I was being treated the way I was. Now I know Now I know I will not tolerate it anymore! Nothing is worth the shit I went thru and I will not go thru it again.
Sooo I just try and let the old dog lie as they say.
And look into the future and what you have now. Get out of the past my dear! I know it is hard but you have to let it be.

RidingHealingRd posted 11/4/2013 18:01 PM

I have forgiven H. Really, I have

Maybe you really have not forgiven him:

Forgiveness is the renunciation or cessation of resentment, indignation or anger as a result of a perceived offense, disagreement, or mistake, or ceasing to demand punishment or restitution


Don't stress over forgiveness.

crazyblindsided posted 11/4/2013 18:13 PM

I found myself doing the same thing and it led to more upset within myself and I just couldn't take the stress of the A anymore. My WH and I now acknowledge that he has not been a very good husband to me. He was a great boyfriend/fiance, best friend, lover and father. I have not been the best wife either.

As far as forgiveness, I used to think I would never feel it for WH, but I can honestly say I am closer to it every day. The forgiveness because I believe he really does want to become a better person.

MissesJai posted 11/4/2013 18:15 PM

I just want to chime in about forgiveness - and it's been said on SI a gazillion times - you forgive, not for him, but for you. "When someone hurts you, they take power over you. If you don't forgive them, they keep the power. Forgive him, then forgive yourself." Or, "forgiveness is letting go of the hope the past could be any different". Essentially, by not forgiving, you are holding yourself hostage in this prison of pain and resentment. Forgive him for your soul.

crazyblindsided posted 11/4/2013 18:16 PM

MissesJai great response! Thank you it helped me.

RippedSoul posted 11/4/2013 18:17 PM

About a month ago, as my WH and I were cuddling before falling asleep, he thanked me for forgiving him. I hestitated a little. He laughed, a bit awkwardly and a bit understandingly (is that a word?), and I then told him that while I had not forgiven him, I was forgiving him. Does that distinction make sense? I'm working on it, but I'm not there yet. My heart is intent upon forgiving him. I know it's the right thing to do for me, for him, and for our marriage. In many ways, I've forgiven him, but I've still got some hang-ups and fears that assure me the forgiveness is not complete. But that's okay. As long as I'm willing, as long as I've not decided that forgiveness is unattainable, it will happen. Eventually.

MissesJai posted 11/4/2013 18:19 PM

you're so welcome, crazyblindsided

AFrayedKnot posted 11/4/2013 18:27 PM

Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for someone else to die.

plainpain posted 11/4/2013 18:57 PM

I know what you mean, about everything coming up to the forefront now. Things I brushed off - a million flirtations with waitresses and girls at the drive-thru and cashiers at the grocery store... it all comes back to me now as foreplay for this big horrific event. A thousand things I made excuses for, or just turned a blind eye to, or laughed at to save myself from humiliation... it all comes back. It's all become so relevant in this new narrative of my life. And everything I thought was important is gone. I am trying so hard not to sink into bitterness and resentment. It is very hard. The A is my first thought in the morning, and my last thought at night. It is with me 24/7. I never don't think about it. I feel like the A has stolen my past, my present and my future. My dream-world has been shattered, and reality is cold. I used to love with my whole heart - now love is an empty word I don't understand.

rachelc posted 11/4/2013 19:32 PM

"When someone hurts you, they take power over you. If you don't forgive them, they keep the power."

Seems to me they have the power either way..,. They get either a forgiving person or a person they have power to make miserable...

BeyondBreaking posted 11/4/2013 20:35 PM

I completely hear you.

The A is just one example of him being selfish. When you add all of it up, including the A, you can often times begin to see a pattern that you maybe never noticed before- about who is giving, and who is taking. About him being selfish.

I feel TONS of resentment towards H because of the fallout. I feel like he said sorry and decided he wasn't going to do it again...and then left me to deal with the pain and hurt all by myself. I have (many times actually) compared it to him making a mess of the house. Absolutely trashing our living room. He says sorry, he helps clean up some of the mess...but then decides that he is done, and I am left with a messy room to tackle on my own. It's frustrating and hurtful.

We've gotten to the point now where we don't really talk about it- he feels as though he has done all he can do and that it was a transgression that he made before we got married, so if I am not over it, it is my problem now and he won't hear anything about it. I disagree tremendously with his attitude, but he isn't going to change and I would rather just save myself the fight.

ILINIA posted 11/4/2013 20:41 PM

My WH A was relatively short lived. I asked my IC why is it taking me months to accept an A that lasted a couple of weeks. I was frustrated that I have put in more time and energy than the whole thing lasted. She told me that I am actually mourning my entire marriage. It wasn't just those weeks that he lied to me, put our family as a lower priority, or didn't care for my feelings, but our entire marriage. A lightbulb turned on. She was right. I could think of several times that his actions were similar through out our entire marriage. I just never thought this is how those actions would evolve.

WeHadItAll posted 11/5/2013 02:10 AM

I thought I forgave him about 5 months ago - it was like a lightswitch. The weight flew off of me and I felt a thousand times lighter. My bad days/nights got far fewer and further between - from weekly to monthly - and they seemed shorter and less dark than before.

But I've noticed they've been coming back again. The resentment, the anger, the hopelessness. I still believe that I have forgiven him for the A, but I feel like we've reached a plateau and that scares me. I find that he's not pushing forward anymore, not trying so hard anymore to mend things. I can't be the one demanding continued growth and openness - he needs to be present and active in our recovery without my nagging him to do it.

So forgiveness - it's powerful and healing and everything they say, but it's just the first step in R.

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