SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

brokengirl520 posted 11/4/2013 09:07 AM

My husband of 12 years just confessed to me yesterday that he had an affair with someone he met at work, he claims they started talking a few months ago and he had recently had sex with her just once, He admitted this to me because he said it was killing him and swore it would never ever happen again, we have been together for 20 years, married for that last 12, we have 2 beautiful girls ages 7 and 2, my family is my life, my husband was always the type of man to tell me we would be together forever, our marriage is fine our sex life is wonderful he is my best friend. My world shatterred when he told me about this affair, my insides are broken, how could he do this to me, what do I do now? I cant tell anyone because their first response will be to leave or throw him out. but how do I keep this bottled inside? What is the right thing to do? Im so lost, this is something i did not see coming and hit me like a mack truck! How do I deal with this man that I love so much. I have no where to go, I know I need to get this out, i know its not healthy to keep bottled inside. I want to get through this with him because this is our life, we are raising children, we are not in HS that you can just say ok fuck you its over, this is the real world and my life. But how will I heal, is it possible? Im so hurt and cant understand why he did this, apparently it started out as friendly conversation then into flirting then led to her sending him naked pics of herself and finally it happend. I almost dont know who my husband is anymore, i feel like I have to get to know him all over again because he is now a different man. Im so confused!!

MovingUpward posted 11/4/2013 09:31 AM

Welcome brokengirl520

You have some great questions, not all have great answers. How do you keep this bottled up? I don't think you can and stay healthy. You can find and choose healthy outlets other than friends and family if that is who you don't want to know. Counselors or even posting here will allow you to get those emotions out and help you work through things.

The right thing to do is different with each individual. To some infidelity is a deal breaker and they are done, but to others there is desire to try and reconcile their marriage.

As to what to do, for right now focus on the basics. There is no need today to decide if you need to work on reconciliation or pursue a divorce you can make that decision on your own schedule. Do some reading in the healing library. Try to gain some knowledge that helps you gain some stability.

How will you heal? You will heal, the biggest downside is that the healing does take time. There really are no shortcuts in healing that remove the element of time. Allow yourself to take your time.

brokengirl520 posted 11/4/2013 09:39 AM

Thank You moving upward. I always told myself if I ever found that my H cheated on me Id be out the door, so different when it really happens and thats why I feel so lost. Ive learned what you say and what you do are 2 different things, its amazing how once he told me my first thought was wow how are we going to fix this as oppose to Im Out!! This is already helping just getting it out there plus its helping me to stop crying so i can see what im typing!

kickboxer posted 11/4/2013 09:42 AM

brokengirl520...right now, you need to get through the next minute.

You need to nourish your body with food and water. You need to sleep. You need to love your children.

It really helped me to find a trusted friend and talk about it. I told my friend I didn't want to be told to leave, and she didn't. She listened, and helped me. I couldn't handle my kids -- the normal everyday bickering was too much. She stepped in and took them for a few days. If there is anyone in your life you trust, PLEASE turn to them now. It's okay to need support. YOU NEED SUPPORT.

I'm 16 weeks out. It took about 2 weeks for the initial shock to fade, and I'm struggling daily with the reality I'm left to face.

I don't know how people heal from this wound, but they do. Somehow...they do. Just know you aren't alone.

You don't have to make any decisions right now.

Skan posted 11/4/2013 09:44 AM

(((hugs))) Welcome. I'm very glad that you found us, although I know that you wish like hell that you didn't have the reason TO come find us. But you've found a place of support. We've all been through that awful realization too, that one's life is not what it had seemed and will never be the same from this point on.

First off, what you are feeling, is normal. Each and every emotion, no matter how opposite and strange feeling, is normal. Your body and mind are in shock. It's as if someone close to you has died and you've been hit by a bus all at the same time. I'm not kidding, the impact on you will feel, physically and emotionally, just like that. Emotions will race through you. You will not feel like moving and will feel like running at full speed both at the same time. This is normal. You are NOT crazy. You are trying to pick yourself off of the ground while you essentially are bleeding and concussed from that bus hitting you. We call this the rollercoaster, and while you didn't buy a ticket on it, your WH bought you a ticket, strapped you in, and you are going to have to ride it for a very long time.

Today, please look up at the upper left corner, where there is a yellow box. Click on The Healing Library. Start reading. There's a lot of good articles in there that have been written by people who have stood in your shoes. Educate yourself on what's likely to happen. Unfortunately, a lot of times, adultery seems to be written as if everyone who betrays gets the same script. Also, you need to take care of yourself. You are not going to feel like it, but you need to stay hydrated (no booze, please), rest when you can, and eat. If you find that like many of us (me included) you can't keep food down, then get yourself a flat of ENSURE or another complete food drink, and keep sipping it. You have two beautiful daughters and if you don't take care of yourself, who will? You can't take care of them if you don't take care of yourself. Be gentle and kind to yourself. You and your children are your only obligation right now. I personally would make it a condition for your WH to stay in the house, that he read "Not JUST FRIENDS" by Shirley Glass. What you have said about his betrayal is addressed in that book, and it will educate you both in what crossing that boundary looks like. He needs to own that DECISION, that he DECIDED to cross that line.

And please come back often for support. We are all here for you. (((hugs)))

GotMyLifeBck2013 posted 11/4/2013 09:48 AM

Couple questions:
Do they still work together? Tell him to find another job. Quickly.
Is he still in contact with her? Make sure he gives you all his texts, passwords, etc. Make print copies of evrything in case you decide to divorce.
You have to talk to someone. Safe friend or two, priest, or get to counseling asap.
Be ready. You are 100% right. This isnt your husband. This is someone who did cheat. That means theres a lot more to the story and he has some terrible weaknesses. You also need to know what waywards will do...the avoidance, trickle truth, outright lies. Its really sick stuff. Be ready.
Remember you didnt do this cause this want this need this or deserve this. Its him, not you.

Fireflies posted 11/4/2013 09:57 AM

Welcome, BG. I'm sorry that you are here, but glad that you found this place.

First off, this is not your fault. Your WH's choice to cheat was 100% his. Don't take responsibility for his choices.

I know it doesn't feel like it, but you will get through this. Tomorrow marks 3 months for me and I feel stronger and better everyday. I'm not going to lie, it's not easy and there are times I just want to melt into a puddle on the floor. But somehow, someway, I push through. And you will too.

Visit the healing library, there is great info there. A book I recommend your WH read is "How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful". Its short and to the point.

Edited to fix book title.

[This message edited by Fireflies at 12:23 PM, November 4th (Monday)]

brokengirl520 posted 11/4/2013 10:28 AM

gotmylifebck Unfortunately he cannot leave his job, not in this economy we have 2 kids to take care of. I dont know if she is still there, he is in a very big bldg and she works in the cafeteria so they are not near each other, he has given me his word (Iknow it should not mean anything) that there is no more contact, I have access to phone records and his cell phone no longer needs a password to get in because you know when he went to bed last night I searched his phone but found nothing, so everything has been deleted. I do have some stuff on file for myself just in case. I am going to be telling someone about this because I really do need to talk to someone, I haven't figured out who yet. I have 2 sisters and a best friend, it will be one of them but I still need time to process this myself.

Pippy posted 11/4/2013 13:22 PM

If you feel that your WS is showing genuine remorse, that is a GIANT step toward working on a successful R. Work with a MC and read every book together you can.

If you find he is not willing to do all that is asked by you, then it's time to rethink your future plans, including seeing a lawyer just to know your rights and options. Many will give free initial interviews.

Read everything in the Healing Library including the 180 under BS FAQs #11. Good luck to you.

GotMyLifeBck2013 posted 11/4/2013 13:25 PM

Im a little odd as a man, i went and told tons of people. She chose to make it public, so i felt i didnt owe her that consideration...been a year for me and yes it does get better. I promise. In your situation remember that your family will want to protect you from hurt. Your best friend might be an option that works best.

Sad to say, but him deleting all his texts should tell you boatloads about what youre dealing with! Make finding a new job part of your criteria for keeping his marriage. Tell him to start looking now. He has sacrificed his right to cry foul. He turned his work into his personal sex romp. Believe me, the only way for you to trust him long term is for him to go elsewhere. From now on he doesnt have secrets...no erasing texts, no secret email accts, no facebook...lay down the law. Hand him your list of must do's then say nothing. Silence is your friend. Do not engage him. Force him to think.

brokengirl520 posted 11/4/2013 14:03 PM

GotMyLifeBack
Oh I know there is alot I didnt see and there is alot I dont know. I def laid down the law with him and gave him a list of my expectations, I read the 180 list on here and that is basically the way Ive been acting, I have 2 kids that I have to tend to, I need to be as normal as possible for them, I told him I am not anywhere near making a decision on what I want because I have get past the reality of this. Was this truley a stupid mistake and act on impulse like he says, I know it hasn't been going on that long, I can see when the conversations started, Does it make it ok, absolutely not. I just don't know, Ive never had all the emotions and feelings going on in my body at one time in my entire life, I think im going to with the the friend as well.

GotMyLifeBck2013 posted 11/4/2013 19:17 PM

I am so sorry for what youre going through. Its a slice of hell no decent person should ever go through. You have a form of ptsd here, and while it does get better, thats small relief for this moment in time. I know, i was right where you are one year ago. I think your choice of your friend is wise at the moment. Bad news? Your life changed forever. Good news? You will find out more about yourself and your strength than any other trauma you could suffer. Somedays you will feel like you just went backward, other days you will take a small step forward. I remember praying i would wake up and have just 5 minutes of peace in he morning where i didnt think about it. Now i have long periods through the day, i laugh more, have more fun, enjoy my kids more, but its still there...it fades but its still a scar. I wish you all the best. Keep posting, i read this site for most of the last year. Its a lifesaver.