You have some great questions, not all have great answers. How do you keep this bottled up? I don't think you can and stay healthy. You can find and choose healthy outlets other than friends and family if that is who you don't want to know. Counselors or even posting here will allow you to get those emotions out and help you work through things.
The right thing to do is different with each individual. To some infidelity is a deal breaker and they are done, but to others there is desire to try and reconcile their marriage.
As to what to do, for right now focus on the basics. There is no need today to decide if you need to work on reconciliation or pursue a divorce you can make that decision on your own schedule. Do some reading in the healing library. Try to gain some knowledge that helps you gain some stability.
How will you heal? You will heal, the biggest downside is that the healing does take time. There really are no shortcuts in healing that remove the element of time. Allow yourself to take your time.
You need to nourish your body with food and water. You need to sleep. You need to love your children.
It really helped me to find a trusted friend and talk about it. I told my friend I didn't want to be told to leave, and she didn't. She listened, and helped me. I couldn't handle my kids -- the normal everyday bickering was too much. She stepped in and took them for a few days. If there is anyone in your life you trust, PLEASE turn to them now. It's okay to need support. YOU NEED SUPPORT.
I'm 16 weeks out. It took about 2 weeks for the initial shock to fade, and I'm struggling daily with the reality I'm left to face.
I don't know how people heal from this wound, but they do. Somehow...they do. Just know you aren't alone.
You don't have to make any decisions right now.
First off, what you are feeling, is normal. Each and every emotion, no matter how opposite and strange feeling, is normal. Your body and mind are in shock. It's as if someone close to you has died and you've been hit by a bus all at the same time. I'm not kidding, the impact on you will feel, physically and emotionally, just like that. Emotions will race through you. You will not feel like moving and will feel like running at full speed both at the same time. This is normal. You are NOT crazy. You are trying to pick yourself off of the ground while you essentially are bleeding and concussed from that bus hitting you. We call this the rollercoaster, and while you didn't buy a ticket on it, your WH bought you a ticket, strapped you in, and you are going to have to ride it for a very long time.
Today, please look up at the upper left corner, where there is a yellow box. Click on The Healing Library. Start reading. There's a lot of good articles in there that have been written by people who have stood in your shoes. Educate yourself on what's likely to happen. Unfortunately, a lot of times, adultery seems to be written as if everyone who betrays gets the same script. Also, you need to take care of yourself. You are not going to feel like it, but you need to stay hydrated (no booze, please), rest when you can, and eat. If you find that like many of us (me included) you can't keep food down, then get yourself a flat of ENSURE or another complete food drink, and keep sipping it. You have two beautiful daughters and if you don't take care of yourself, who will? You can't take care of them if you don't take care of yourself. Be gentle and kind to yourself. You and your children are your only obligation right now. I personally would make it a condition for your WH to stay in the house, that he read "Not JUST FRIENDS" by Shirley Glass. What you have said about his betrayal is addressed in that book, and it will educate you both in what crossing that boundary looks like. He needs to own that DECISION, that he DECIDED to cross that line.
And please come back often for support. We are all here for you. (((hugs)))
D-Day, June 10, 2012
Me: fBH 46
Her: exWW 42
DDay: Nov 1, 2012
Divorced: September 17, 2013
First off, this is not your fault. Your WH's choice to cheat was 100% his. Don't take responsibility for his choices.
I know it doesn't feel like it, but you will get through this. Tomorrow marks 3 months for me and I feel stronger and better everyday. I'm not going to lie, it's not easy and there are times I just want to melt into a puddle on the floor. But somehow, someway, I push through. And you will too.
Visit the healing library, there is great info there. A book I recommend your WH read is "How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful". Its short and to the point.
Edited to fix book title.
[This message edited by Fireflies at 12:23 PM, November 4th (Monday)]
If you find he is not willing to do all that is asked by you, then it's time to rethink your future plans, including seeing a lawyer just to know your rights and options. Many will give free initial interviews.
Read everything in the Healing Library including the 180 under BS FAQs #11. Good luck to you.
Sad to say, but him deleting all his texts should tell you boatloads about what youre dealing with! Make finding a new job part of your criteria for keeping his marriage. Tell him to start looking now. He has sacrificed his right to cry foul. He turned his work into his personal sex romp. Believe me, the only way for you to trust him long term is for him to go elsewhere. From now on he doesnt have secrets...no erasing texts, no secret email accts, no facebook...lay down the law. Hand him your list of must do's then say nothing. Silence is your friend. Do not engage him. Force him to think.