(this turned out much longer then I had anticipated, so if you actually read the whole thing...bless your heart.)
Saturday morning DH was a bit on the feely side. Not so bad, but he wouldn't take my 'that's enough feely' stance seriously and it kind of ticked me off.
So that night when we were sliding into bed, he was all in the mood and I was just not, but I didn't want to not have sex either (does that make any sense?) I mean, I wanted to have sex, but my engine was not started and cold.
I tried to explain this to him and apparently the way that I said it turned him competely off and poof - done.
I am not 100% sure how the next part happened, what comment set it off, but we got into a fight.
I even remember saying "how the fuck did we get into a fight about all of this from me saying i needed a little extra attention to get me into the mood???"
They were the usual suspects of course.
I still don't trust that he's being honest with me about what he does because I still don't have transparency on his part.
I am still irked about him saying that he didn't 'have' to tell me about the contact with his XW, that he did it because he wanted to.
*he brought up that he didn't 'have' to because I didn't tell him about finding out about my XH's kid over a year ago. XH and I still have mutual friends and my brother still talks to XH pretty regularly. I didn't tell DH that I knew because I was scare of his response, I realize a very wayward reaction. I had no idea though that this had effected him. This is the first time that he even brought up the fact that it pissed him off that I had not told him.
I countered this with stating that while yes, I did look at FB to see if it was true, i never once tried to contact XH or any of his friends to get details. DH on the other hand had a nice lovely conversation with his XW and her ending it by saying 'if you ever need anyone to talk to or if you want to be friends, blah blah blah"....so in my book, that's crossing the boundery, and to top the ice cream he didn't 'have' to tell me about it. Double Standard.
The next heated issue is he is still on my ex best friend D. Who happened to be a man. Apparently he is still pissed off a FB exchange that we had where I stated that I was:
kinda by not really - I am just tired, PMSing and completly sexually deprived at the moment...my view on life right now ranks right up there with sucking theflea infested hairy balls of a camel that just walked 40 days in the desert
Followed by this:
D:ok. I thought there was. Is there anything I can do to cheer you up?
Me: no, i dont think there is anything to do...i think i just need a bottle of wine, a nice evening wwith theith the man (if you know what i mean) and about 48 hours of sleep
D: I do know what you mean. I could use some time with a woman. Even if it's only 10 minutes. LOL You should set aside a night to do just that.
seriously, see if your mom will take the kids for a night and do something w/DH. You could make a nice dinner hit the red box for a movie, have some wine and get busy
Which consists of D and I talking about sex all the time and that it was beyond inappropriate.
This little back and forth ened a friendship that had been around since before DH and I still hurt about it.
So - here DH has been fuming over 2 things well over a year old, and the D thing is almost 2 years old now....and I had no idea he's holding on to all of this.
In amongst all of this, I am trying to explain that I don't fully trust him, and haven't for some time, and that all he cares about is that 'now i know how it feels'
I try to calmly say that when he found questionable emails, he got everything. My transparency, i got rid of friends, I basically did everything I thought he needed of me.
But now that I am having trust issues, i get a stone wall and the silent treatment. I said it was a double standard and I am having a hard time with it.
We have only gone to 2 MC sessions together - and he refuses to go to anymore.
I have asked for a couples retreat weekend, and he refuses to go that as well.
I have read probably 10 books (getting the love that you want, the road less traveled, 5 languages of love, ect...and currently Relationship Rescue with workbook) and he refuses to read them with me or actually sit down and take things seriously to work on things.
He says he wants us to work, but his actions are very clear that I am the issue and he is not.
When I called him out on the fact that everytime we try to have a conversation that the minute he feels treatened he shuts down, and that is very inmature - he stated that 'well i guess i am to immature for this relationship'....ironically - i am starting to wonder just that.
I just want to feel safe again, safe to bring up an issue without it turning into WWIII, safe to come to him with worry and fears without him thinking that i am cheating. I want to know that when we have issues with each other that we can actually sit down and come to a compromise.
But all the stone walls i get from him make me look the other way - outside my marriage rather then into it.
I have caught myself every time so far. Wanting to send a email to D just to feel like i can get an honest open opinion from him.
Wanting to talk to my mom about all of this because she is my best friend (i am nto allowed to anymore because then it makes DH look like an ass and she won't like him anymore)
He even got mad at me for talking to a different girl friend - until I told him that unless he can say that he will sit down with me and have an actual mature worthwhile conversation about all the shit we are going through without blowing up - I am going to talk to her.
I dont know how long I can last. I dont want to PA again - I just dont even feel good, but I can totally see how an EA could come out of all this.
I am monitoring my FB to make sure there are no easy EA's to be had. I am keeping myself far away from games/places/online shit that could get me into trouble, but i am getting so tired of fighting for my marriage when DH seems hell bent on letting it go.