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Marriage counselling

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Marathonwaseasy posted 11/4/2013 10:15 AM

We haven't started yet - wanted to get my IC up and running and FWH to start sorting his bipolar, taking meds etc
I think we should try to get going before the post Xmas rush.
But I am reticent
I know I'm 50% responsible for our marriage issues pre A although the big chasm there was I knew he had bipolar and he was in denial. But I did work too much (although he kept spending money so what choice did I have) and I was too child-centres (as was he) and I had withdrawn from him (but he withdrew from me - clearly as was having EA then PA with the slut - which came first?)
I know we need to rebuild us and lots of HB alone won't do that but I am so defensive about the past because hell, it wasn't easy for me and I didn't cheat
Advice appreciated

ascian posted 11/4/2013 10:56 AM

I'd encourage you to try MC. A good counselor will do more than just work on "the couple" as a whole, they'll help you (individually) build skills that will make you stronger in relationships in general. That's one of my own goals when doing to my MC.

As for talking to someone else about what happened, I have to remind myself that "it may be embarrassing, but not as much as I felt when I found out about the A." That's helped me, at least.

Raven96 posted 11/4/2013 12:00 PM

Hi, Marathon! Your working too much has nothing to do with this. His bipolar has nothing to do with this (other than being an issue he needs to deal with). The A is totally on him.

If you go and you decide you don't like the C, you can get another. I really think it helps to have a 3rd party involved, listening and presenting things that you may not think about when it is just the two of you -- or giving you a different way to think about things.

I hope you decide to go and you find a good C on the first try!!


Ashland13 posted 11/4/2013 12:24 PM

My two cents would be to not let yourself be blamed for too much of what led to the A behavior.

The MC we went to was a waste, also, because Perv got there first and filled her head with lies about me, but I didn't know this, so wasted 8 months of expensive sessions, including time and gas money. Just things to watch out for if you can.

I hope it works for you.

Marathonwaseasy posted 11/4/2013 14:57 PM

I am not owning his A. That was him. Illness definitely lowered his defences but he chose to cheat. But I do have to own things I did within our M that I could have done better. I didn't prioritise us over work and the kids. My FOO issues meant I worried more about other folks than us. I am prone to straight talking which at times can come across as harsh.
To build the strong M I now demand I have to own my shit. Though I don't think anything I supposedly did that was less than ideal during his betrayal counts as shit. I knew on some level I had lost him and I was distraught for the whole 11 months he was having sex with OW. If sometimes this made me a bit of bitch to live with. Well that's tough
I am nervous about MC because I will not find it easy to work on building our future together while I'm still so hurt by the events in the very recent past. But I think it's nearly time.

ascian posted 11/4/2013 15:02 PM

Marathonwaseasy, I think that's a pretty honest way to look at things. We can't change ourselves if we don't own our problems. Good luck.

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