H has had a female friend at work for about 6 mos, I never thought anything about it, but he did talk about her often. I saw a few texts between them on his phone, nothing major at all until recently. She's Hispanic, that comes into play soon. A few wks ago I had the urge to look at his phone before work while he was showering, I found a naked pic of a woman with short black hair, breasts and one of a crotch shot of her on hands and knees. My heart sunk, she resembled this friend. I immediately confronted him. He said it was a girl we both knew, had been married to one of his friends, and he found her pics online in a Craigslist ad looking for sex. He said he had the pics to send to her ex, so he could laugh at her. Lie #1, he never contacted the friend to show him the pics. I did confirm pics were of his friends ex by matching tattoos from a pic she has on Facebook.
I couldn't think that day at work and came home early, I looked through our phone records, found 200 texts between him and the coworker friend, all day long, in evenings when he would be next to me, and on weekends. He would be texting her when he was working on pool or on call at work etc. I was shocked, I never saw any of these msgs or noticed he was doing this. Confronted him and I set his phone up so I could read his texts. He says they are friends is angry at my accusations and I prepare to leave. Told my parents so they were aware, found a lawyer etc. Over the next 2 wks I'm able to see some of their texts, his side is friendly, hers read "u know I tease u out of love right?" And "omg u know how to make me smile". He agrees they are off and tells her to stop contact, supposedly.
Recently I find a porn acct with chats, pics of my boobs I sent him last yr when I was out of town. Found a second email address with female contacts and craigslist personal ad contacts. Also found a craigslist acct linked to that email with sex ads he posted 6 mos ago.
I'm at a complete loss in what to believe, my friends say it's right in front of me, he's cheating. He's swears it was boredom and making fun of people on craigslist, that he never has or would cheat. On Friday the coworker called him while he was home w me and he talked to her next to me, I didn't know at time who was on phone, he said he wanted me to hear convo so I would feel better. A friend said "ever hear of hiding in plain sight?" We've been together nearly 15 yrs, married for 6 and have to young kids. I'm so confused and have no idea what to think.....or do
It is often hard to know what to think, but this is an inappropriate relationship. He has hidden inappropriate behaviors such as the naked pictures. He has some boundary issues that is for sure. The porn account with chats, 2nd email address with female contacts, and craigslist personal ad contacts are all inappropriate. He hid that all from you. It is time to really focus on his actions and see if they back up his words. I would continue to check up on his phone and computer habits.
I do believe that the phone call in front of you was a ruse. Ask that he take all such calls at home in front of you. If he has nothing to hide it won't be a big deal.
He deletes his computer and phone history, so that's so hard to follow. I do keep tabs on our cell usage. Does anyone have recs on ways to dig deeper? Most everything I want has been deleted :/
[This message edited by Jls0320 at 12:08 PM, November 4th (Monday)]
He deletes his computer and phone history, so that's so hard to follow.
Another Red Flag that he is hiding things.
So does he want to stay married? If he is saying stuff that indicates this then demand that he quit deleting his histories.
We've always been open to discussing fantasies etc. lately he's really been pushing to explore one and I was ok with that until I suspected he had cheated. I almost wonder if he wants me to explore my fantasy to make him feel better for what he's done. So we'd be even
Remember Actions Not Words. You want to see actions that indicate he wants this marriage.
I realize this is still a braod view, but here's another old one that fits better...
Trust your gut.
Sorry but I see a parade of red flags. How about putting a key logger on the computer and searchhisvehicle when he's in the shower for an extra phone.
Me: fBH 46
Her: exWW 42
DDay: Nov 1, 2012
Divorced: September 17, 2013
No, it won't make you even. I will say, I would drop all thoughts of that right now. It will bring too many other dynamics into the relationship, and if he even thinks it's evened the score, you'll have to deal with that as well.
Please don't ever be afraid to post something. Not everyone may like it, but we're all here for you. We aren't the enemy, and you aren't either.
Today there are 16 texts between them, should be interesting to see if all make it home for me to read.