Forum Archives

Return to Forum List

Not sure

You are not logged in. Login here or register.

Jls0320 posted 11/4/2013 11:02 AM

This forum was recommended to me by a friend that went through an affair recently. I'm not sure what to believe currently, so I will share my story.

H has had a female friend at work for about 6 mos, I never thought anything about it, but he did talk about her often. I saw a few texts between them on his phone, nothing major at all until recently. She's Hispanic, that comes into play soon. A few wks ago I had the urge to look at his phone before work while he was showering, I found a naked pic of a woman with short black hair, breasts and one of a crotch shot of her on hands and knees. My heart sunk, she resembled this friend. I immediately confronted him. He said it was a girl we both knew, had been married to one of his friends, and he found her pics online in a Craigslist ad looking for sex. He said he had the pics to send to her ex, so he could laugh at her. Lie #1, he never contacted the friend to show him the pics. I did confirm pics were of his friends ex by matching tattoos from a pic she has on Facebook.

I couldn't think that day at work and came home early, I looked through our phone records, found 200 texts between him and the coworker friend, all day long, in evenings when he would be next to me, and on weekends. He would be texting her when he was working on pool or on call at work etc. I was shocked, I never saw any of these msgs or noticed he was doing this. Confronted him and I set his phone up so I could read his texts. He says they are friends is angry at my accusations and I prepare to leave. Told my parents so they were aware, found a lawyer etc. Over the next 2 wks I'm able to see some of their texts, his side is friendly, hers read "u know I tease u out of love right?" And "omg u know how to make me smile". He agrees they are off and tells her to stop contact, supposedly.

Recently I find a porn acct with chats, pics of my boobs I sent him last yr when I was out of town. Found a second email address with female contacts and craigslist personal ad contacts. Also found a craigslist acct linked to that email with sex ads he posted 6 mos ago.

I'm at a complete loss in what to believe, my friends say it's right in front of me, he's cheating. He's swears it was boredom and making fun of people on craigslist, that he never has or would cheat. On Friday the coworker called him while he was home w me and he talked to her next to me, I didn't know at time who was on phone, he said he wanted me to hear convo so I would feel better. A friend said "ever hear of hiding in plain sight?" We've been together nearly 15 yrs, married for 6 and have to young kids. I'm so confused and have no idea what to think.....or do

MovingUpward posted 11/4/2013 11:57 AM

Welcome Jls0320

It is often hard to know what to think, but this is an inappropriate relationship. He has hidden inappropriate behaviors such as the naked pictures. He has some boundary issues that is for sure. The porn account with chats, 2nd email address with female contacts, and craigslist personal ad contacts are all inappropriate. He hid that all from you. It is time to really focus on his actions and see if they back up his words. I would continue to check up on his phone and computer habits.

I do believe that the phone call in front of you was a ruse. Ask that he take all such calls at home in front of you. If he has nothing to hide it won't be a big deal.

Jls0320 posted 11/4/2013 12:06 PM

I felt better about the call in front of me, until my friend said that, now I'm def not sure. Plus it was almost 20 min need to talk that long

He deletes his computer and phone history, so that's so hard to follow. I do keep tabs on our cell usage. Does anyone have recs on ways to dig deeper? Most everything I want has been deleted :/

[This message edited by Jls0320 at 12:08 PM, November 4th (Monday)]

MovingUpward posted 11/4/2013 12:16 PM

He deletes his computer and phone history, so that's so hard to follow.

Another Red Flag that he is hiding things.

So does he want to stay married? If he is saying stuff that indicates this then demand that he quit deleting his histories.

Jls0320 posted 11/4/2013 12:31 PM

He says he wants to be married, he's never cheated yada yada. Another red flag I'm nervous to post is this:

We've always been open to discussing fantasies etc. lately he's really been pushing to explore one and I was ok with that until I suspected he had cheated. I almost wonder if he wants me to explore my fantasy to make him feel better for what he's done. So we'd be even

MovingUpward posted 11/4/2013 12:34 PM

Maybe you want to read this article in the healing library just to see if there are other things too.

Remember Actions Not Words. You want to see actions that indicate he wants this marriage.

Article link

Pippy posted 11/4/2013 13:03 PM

I once read that anything a man does with another woman that he wouldn't do in front of his wife is cheating.

I realize this is still a braod view, but here's another old one that fits better...

Trust your gut.

Sorry but I see a parade of red flags. How about putting a key logger on the computer and searchhisvehicle when he's in the shower for an extra phone.

Jls0320 posted 11/4/2013 13:10 PM

Does anyone ever think contacting the other woman is acceptable? I would love to know what she'd say....

GotMyLifeBck2013 posted 11/4/2013 15:16 PM

There were days i wanted him dead. There were days i was in my car driving to whip him senseless. Ultimately, and this might have been one of the hardest things for me to learn to live with, it had nothing to do with him. The om/ow didnt commit to you. They owe you nothing. They are sick pathetic parasites, but all the anger and rage you have as a betrayed spouse is because your wayward spouse broke their commitment. My ex wanted to know why i didnt beat the hell out of him. I told her sitting in a jail cell might make her feel special but its just not worth it to me. Then i told her you had a choice you could have stopped yourself at any time. Now you lose everything, me, my love and friendship, the respect of your kids and friends, etc. the pigs who act as ap's arent the problem, theyre just users and takers who want something they really shouldnt have, once they get it, most of the time they run away. Theyre pathetic at best, so dont give it another thought.

GotMyLifeBck2013 posted 11/4/2013 15:26 PM

And remember, if it wasnt that particular woman it would have been another....believe it. He was motivated to cheat, and he found what he wanted. Same with my ex wife.

painfulpast posted 11/4/2013 16:11 PM

Any fantasy you both know about does not make you 'even'. He lied. He hid. He had secret email accounts, inappropriate chats, texts with a woman at work (he lied about who it was), etc. How is that remotely close to the two of you deciding, together, to do something?

No, it won't make you even. I will say, I would drop all thoughts of that right now. It will bring too many other dynamics into the relationship, and if he even thinks it's evened the score, you'll have to deal with that as well.

Please don't ever be afraid to post something. Not everyone may like it, but we're all here for you. We aren't the enemy, and you aren't either.

Jls0320 posted 11/4/2013 17:21 PM

Thank you for the rec of a key logger, I'm trying to set one up but having issues :( Never heard of these before.

Today there are 16 texts between them, should be interesting to see if all make it home for me to read.

GotMyLifeBck2013 posted 11/4/2013 18:30 PM

There should only be one more text he sends to here, its called a no cntact text. Read up on it on si. Any other text is inappropriate and should be a dealbreaker. He is living outside of your boundaries. Dont put up with it.

Jls0320 posted 11/4/2013 19:23 PM

Unfortunately he works with her and does have to have contact, she's a manager at a location he's required to work at and they have to see and communicate

Return to Forum List

© 2002-2018 ®. All Rights Reserved.