SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Never in a million years did I think I would end up here. I've been married almost 12 years, and we have 4 amazing kids together. We married really young at the age of 18...we were high school sweethearts and neighbors. We got married the day after my husband joined the military and moved thousands of miles away from our friends/family and started our lives together. Despite all the odds against us, we have been happy. We've been through 6 deployments and always have come out stronger than ever. I always thought my marriage was better than everyone else and that we were invincible. My husband deployed a year and a half ago for the 5th time and something horrible happened to him (I'm not sure it relates to the affair or not, but I think it might). Long story short, he went out with some friends on this deployment to be the DD for them, and woke up in a hotel room drugged, beaten, and raped. I expected a very rocky time when he came home from that deployment, but all was well and he truly seemed okay. He had dug into his Bible, church, his relationship with God and I believe that it what helped him heal from this.

Fast forward to a year after him coming home from that deployment...he leaves to go back to the same place the rape happened. During this deployment, he told me how lonely he was every single day...how much he missed us and wanted to come home. I knew he was having a rough time there and was worried about him, but outside of praying for him, was helpless.

He came home September 1st of this year, and my life changed. He came home and was completely shut down emotionally. He couldnt look me in the eyes. He was cold, distant...not the man I knew and loved. He eventually asked for a divorce and said he wanted to be alone. He gave no explanation, and I assumed it had something to do with going back to the place of rape. I thought he had PTSD. I begged him to talk to me, to talk to a counselor, assured him of my love, and refused to give him the divorce he seemed to want. I didn't beleive he truly wanted that. This went on for a month, and he finally asked for help and started seeing a counselor. After the first counseling session, he came home in tears, completely broken and asked me if I really thought we could make it through anything. I said yes, and he he told me he had an affair during his deployment. I thought I'd be infuriated, but was shocked to feel relief. I could see emotion in him again, and he was able to look at me and tell me how much he loved me. His has been completely open with me, cut off all contact with the OW a month BEFORE he came home, is so remorseful, and is doing everything he can to show me how much he loves me. His reasoning for asking for a divorce was because he thought he that is what he deserved. I have told him that I am willing to forgive and rebuild our marriage. We have even had a bit of a "honeymoon" period. I feel my emotions are all over the place. One day I feel like my marriage can conquer anything and am confident that God can make something broken into something beautiful, and the next day I'm sad and go through the "how can he do this to me" thoughts.

I want some badly to heal my marriage and make it even better than before. I guess I'm looking for stories of hope and healing from others. I have chosen not to tell my family...I know they aren't capable of truly forgiving him like I am.

I suggest going to the reconciliation forum. There are a great many success stories there.

Being betrayed hurts. I'm sorry you're going through this.

My brother cheated on his wife a couple years ago while working in another country for his job, which requires him to travel a lot. They are both Christians and have 2 children. He said he was tempted to leave his wife and it seemed like it would be so easy to go off and be with the OW, but he confessed everything to their home group and other people from their church, and they have made it through the affair and are still going strong.

I believe the biggest difference between them and my situation is their beliefs and the support they got from other believers. Their friends did not sugarcoat anything, put him in his place, and got him to do the right thing for his family. Without the support of these friends, I don't know that they would have made it.

As much as you love your husband, and as many problems as he has had, there is no justification for cheating. He has to absolutely know how wrong it was, and you need to take a stance that he CANNOT let this happen again or he risks losing you. He needs help. He needs support. He needs to really face what he did, figure out his reasons, and really change from the inside out. Don't give him any excuses. He has to make changes to prevent this from happening again.

I would say to open up and tell your story to some people you think can help you guys, both of you. Force him to be accountable for his actions. I think your religious family could be a big support system for you. At least I hope so and it was the case for my brother. Having people holding him accountable was a big help to them..

Good luck..

Your post reminded me of this article someone posted about a month ago. I hope you find it as helpful as I did..

http://www.davidclarkeseminars.com/apps/articles/?columnid=508&articleid=3813

Please use this thread http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=512750

Childoftheking, please refrain from posting the same thread in multiple forums. You'll get great support in whichever one you choose