SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'm not sure exactly where to post this, so if it is the wrong spot, my apologies.

H and I ended up getting into this huge argument last night and I am still angry today.

Basically, we were watching a show where the main character went to a bachelor party and there was a stripper there. H looked at me and said that if he was ever at someone's party and something like that showed up, he would leave immediately (per our boundaries) and tell me right away. I brought up that I would let the bride know as well (assuming I know her). H suddenly got all angry at me, told me that I shouldn't ever tattle on his friends, and accused me of being miserable and wanting to ruin other people's relationships and weddings.

He was so defensive, it was unbelievable. He has many friends, none of whom are married and I assume he jumped onto the defensive because this is a likely scenario that may happen in the future.

We basically got in this whole argument, about a hypothetical, but him saying that he follows "bro code" and would be furious at me if anything ever came up and I shared with his friend's wifes. I told him that is not what I believe in- I do not want to live my life in a way where omissions are kept from my family or my friends. I think that knowing someone cheated, or potentially crossed relationship boundary lines and not saying anything is on par with being an active participant in it, and his defensive attitude shows me that he has hidden something from me either about himself or his friends. H insisted that his defensiveness is not because of that- but because 4 years ago he had an argument with a friend of his about his girlfriend, and the friend sided with the girlfriend. The two of them didn't speak for a year, and H said the lesson he learned was to stay out of other people's relationships. H insisted that my refusal to do so made him not want to tell me anything ever again.

I don't understand how he can be so fundimentally wrong about something. I feel as though I am living with someone who has no morals. I know people have different opinions on this, but I really refuse to live in a way that is secretive and hiding things from people, when I would want them to tell me if the situation was reversed. I am upset, and I don't like that he has these fundimentally different opinions than me. it makes me not trust him. I am disappointed because I thought we were on the same page and making progress.

I guess this was just a vent.

That conversation wouldn't set well with me, either. (((HUGS)))

Thanks Naturegirl. I just don't understand how I can be married to someone who is so fundimentally different.

Someone who has the nerve to sit there and yell at me and then 2 minutes later tell me that I'm an unhappy person. Um...hello?

I am upset, and I don't like that he has these fundimentally different opinions than me. it makes me not trust him. I am disappointed because I thought we were on the same page and making progress.

You should tell him this^^^ and whenever he acts defensively remind him that you are not having an argument and if he keeps getting angry tell him you cannot discuss it with him acting irrationally. If he keeps behaving irrationally I would 180 him.

My WH had some of these same views until our fallout from his A. He is singing a different tune now.

Sounds to me like it is his way with his friends.

Maybe his friends are cheaters and he is wanting them to have his back as he has theirs? What it sounds like to me.

Look my BFF knew the minute I found out she was cheating she had to tell her husband BS or I would. Should not hide what you believe in. That is my point. What does he believe in? What does he stand for what makes him proud? Let him chew on that!

I think most of my frustration is coming from...wondering who the hell I married and when all these things changed for him.

When we first met, H presented himself as this christian, do-gooder, good guy.

I just don't understand what changed so fundimentally inside him to make him feel like these are good values to have and hiding/keeping secrets for friends is a good way to live your life. Did he change, or was he always this way and I just didn't see it?

I know he is not still cheating, but I am still very disappointed with his values and the differences he has. I thought those values would have changed after the A's, but the more I get to know him, the more I dislike what I see. I'm choosing to stay married for now, but wondering how long I can really stay married to someone who I am just so...disappointed in and be okay in general.