My husband left for a business trip at the end of Sept. 2013. He doesn't go on many but when he does we talk a lot on the phone and text all the time. This time he sent a lot of texts but always acted weird when I would ask him to call. He would always have some excuse as to why he couldn't at that time. I just had a bad feeling the whole time he was gone and I just couldn't shake it. When he returned something told me to look through his pictures he took while he was there. I immediately noticed that he wasn't wearing his wedding ring in any of them. I called him out on it and he gave me the bs excuse that they made him take it off at the airport and he had been too busy and just forgot all about it not being on his finger. This might be a valid excuse IF he did that from time to time. In the last 14yrs. this is the only time I've known him to even take it off. It is always on his finger and he is constantly playing with it. He would have known it wasn't there. We ended up having a huge blow up fight because I felt he had either met someone while he was there or he at least tried. He has always been extremely jealous! He has always accused me of cheating and he brought up the site Meetme and showed me a profile of someone with the same name as me. It was not my account. I had never even heard of that site. I got to nosing around on it and found a photo of him that he took in our bathroom. It was just of his bare chest but I recognized him right away. He tried to deny it at first but he quickly realized there was no denying it. I made him sign into the account and I found messages he had sent to a few women. I didn't find much more than that but noticed that the account was attached to an email I didn't know about. I made him open it and at first there didn't seem to be anything in it at all. I opened the sent messages and nearly had a heart attack! There were TONS of messages from people he was trying to hook up with through craigslist. I used the same email and password to sign into the craigslist account and found the most shocking crap you can imagine. There were ads looking for women, men, and even couples. Thinking about some of the things he was looking for just makes me so sick to my stomach. It's like I've been with a stranger the last 16yrs. He admitted to meeting 2 men and that they only gave him oral and nothing else. He says he didn't touch them at all but his ads weren't just about him getting oral. I'm confused on whether on not he's bi because he says he's not. That he did it because he felt it wasn't really cheating. He says the craiglist posting went on for 2 years but I believe it was for longer. I also don't believe that something only happened 2 times. I've been on there and looked for myself and I find it hard to believe that he didn't have more offers. There are some real freaks on there! He's sticking to that story though and I can't seem to get anymore out of him. We didn't have a perfect marriage before but I can't say that it was THAT bad. Maybe I was totally blind. We had issues but nothing that couldn't be fixed with a little effort on both our parts. Things in the bedroom hadn't been great. He had some problems with ED and I felt like it was me. I hadn't been able to please him orally in a very long time. He was honest and said he didn't have any problems with that while he was cheating. That just sent me over the edge. I felt like there was something wrong with me and that I was just really bad in bed. I became so down on myself that I went out and found someone to take revenge on. I met a man at a bar and ended up taking him to his truck and doing the very thing I couldn't seem to do for my husband. I guess in that moment I needed reassurance that it wasn't me. That someone else would want me. Stupid, I know! I regret that I let him make me feel that way!! I told my husband about it the next day. I couldn't not tell him and live with myself. It has obviously only made things worse. I think it took a lot of the accountability off of him. He now feels like a victim and like the score is even when that isn't the case at all! Mine was done to hurt him, not to get pleasure for myself in any way. In spite of everything we are trying to work on things and he really is trying to do everything he can to help me right now. I'm just so back and forth with my emotions. I don't see how I can ever get over all of this. The not knowing what all has really happened is what is holding me back right now. He'll never be 100% honest and I know that. I just don't know if I can ever get past it if he's not. Has anyone else dealt with the craislist cheating?
That he did it because he felt it wasn't really cheating
I'm sorry you're here - it's not a place anyone wants to end up, but there are a lot of wonderful people here that can help you, and you will be heard.
The quoted line - that's really just dumb. His privates were in someone else's mouth. That's cheating in anyone's book. And I'm sorry - but not many men can even get aroused by another man. At the very least, your husband is bisexual.
I don't believe the 2 time thing also. CL is way to easy of a place to find someone to 'hook up' with. These are freaks looking for sex - nothing more.
You should get tested for STDs immediately. I don't care if he said he used a condom or not, or if you did. Please, get tested.
Regarding the revenge affair. You are right, you aren't 'even'. His isn't worse either. You both cheated. You cannot 'even' the score with cheating. You can only compound the problem.
Please keep reading, and keep posting. You will learn quite a bit.
[This message edited by littlemrsV0813 at 10:49 AM, November 20th (Wednesday)]
He also says he isn't bi...that he was curious...etc..etc..but is not bi or gay.
We are 3 years into our R. For the first 2.5 years,WH wanted to rugsweep..I couldn't do that...it was very rough for both of us...then he "got it." Things have been totally different between us for the last 6 months or so.
My WH never denied it was cheating...he was very sorry and ashamed from the start. He took full responsibility.
Cheating with men is cheating. It's actually a bit of a double betrayal..because they lied about their sexuality. It causes you to question everything. Its hard because I have chosen not to to talk about it with my friends because we have little kids,and I don't want them to find out. Im not homophobic..in fact Im very open minded and always have been...but when you're a little kid and daddy cheats on mommy with a man and they stay together..well..IM confused..Im not putting my kids through that.
I was in shock for the first 5 months. And the pain..wow..I couldn't believe I was in so much pain but still alive.
It is absolutely possible to R in this situation. We are. It's been weeks since I cried...progress! I told WH today that because of his consistent,honest, and remorseful actions..and because he has been so incredibly loving towards me..and he shows me every day that I am his world...my walls are down. Im all in. I have fallen back *in love* with my husband. not my wayward husband..my husband. And we are really very happy together.
It's hard to understand how it feels to be a BW in this situation. There are a few of us here at SI. You are not alone. There is hope. My WH are proof of that.
[This message edited by confused615 at 3:29 PM, November 4th (Monday)]
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.
I hadn't been able to please him orally in a very long time. He was honest and said he didn't have any problems with that while he was cheating. That just sent me over the edge. I felt like there was something wrong with me and that I was just really bad in bed
Don't let him throw this horseshit at you! Sure, some people may be better than others, some may even be fabulous. But let's be honest here: I've never had a blow job I didn't enjoy. What would that even be like? As long as you're not chomping anything off, he's lucky you're willing to do it.
You are not to blame.
The best thing about hitting rock bottom is that everything after that looks fucking fabulous!
There is a reference thread you should read:
"Craigslist Cheaters" are included in the "anonymous encounters" subset, just like any sex hookup site.
Please take care of yourself. There are a lot of people here in your very situation, or something a lot like it. Keep posting and you will get all the guidance you need.
That said, I've been in a unique position to get another viewpoint. My mom married my dad young. She wanted to live up to what she felt was expected of her - family, husband, picket fence, etc. Problem was she was gay. She could have sex with my dad (obviously LOL) but it wasn't what she wanted. That caused all sorts of issues that resulted in D. Anyways, fast forward to now and she's MUCH happier being out of the closet. I watched her brother go through the same process just with a long term girlfriend vs a marriage.
Point is, that many try and force themselves to be straight. It's something they have to figure out. It's also dependent on the pain of what they feel coming out would cause.
So, I think that if he's seeking sex with guys, it's safe to say that he's at the very least bi. Whatever smoke screens he's shooting up about that (curious, wasn't really cheating, wasn't 'real' sex) are all BS to cover up the larger issue of confronting his sexuality.
IC I think is a high high high priority. Or if it's a deal breaker, then don't worry about him needing to get his crap together and just go. But he's got to figure that out if you guys are going to move forward.
hugs - so sorry that you're having to go through this.
Leaning towards leaving, no one deserves this pain.
Long story short, I discovered emails where he was trying to connect. I created my own ad and used pics I found on the Internet. I just wanted to see if it was all talk or if he would take it to the next level.
Well sadly this changed our relationship a few years ago. Before this I was completely and utterly happy with him.
So I arranged a meeting at a local hotel. He left the house not knowing it was me sending him the emails. My world was broken when his car was outside the hotel. Even more shattered when I noticed he was sitting in the lobby waiting for the mystery person to come down.
I confronted him. He had lube and condoms in his pocket. It ripped my heart out. My kids were very young at the time. I didn't handle it well. I went home , grabbed them and went for a drive. It was a couple days before Christmas. He called me and I lost it. If it wasn't so close to Christmas I think I would have just kept driving. I probably should have just left. Instead I said we'd work it out. I pushed it down. I never let it go.
This was the beginning of the spiral. From that point I detached somewhat from him. I never felt the same although I didn't realize I never felt the same.
He continued to cheat. Then would say I don't give him attention, and I'd try harder.
He did it again-- then I got pissed and made him leave. He won me back cause he was so heartbroken.
THEN he recently did it again and is trying to win me back-- now I realize this is crazy for me. I told him we are done, kicked him out. It's only been a couple weeks and now he is going to group therapy and IC.
I have no feelings towards R. I tell him it's done but 24 years when that's all you've known since a teenager- it's unsettling to think of not seeing your BFF or the person u thought was.
I realize now that this cheating has been probably going on forever. I go back and think yes we had some good moments since this all happened but I probably should have left back then.
So my advice to u is- if your H is having sex with men-- he's gay or bi. End of story really. Cut ties and find someone that wants to be with you. He is just scared to admit his orientation. He is using u and he should feel very guilty about that. He probably justifies it by buying you things or overcompensating in other ways.