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Feel Like I Lost My Best Friend

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PoLo89 posted 11/4/2013 14:31 PM

DOD: 9/27/13
M 25 years - together 27 2 grown children
My H was sending and receiving up to 45 texts daily to a woman he works with and I am familiar with. When I first discovered the graphic photos/videos & descriptors of all the things he wanted to do to her I became I crying blubbering idiot and felt the worse pain I have ever experienced. I felt like the floor had disappeared below me. I could only get through a few. He was asleep on the couch & my immense grief turned almost immediately to outrage & I became physically violent towards him. Kicking, hitting etc., and threw him out of the house. For financial reasons, I agreed to let him return the following night as we did not have funds for two separate living arrangements and we have a fairly large home where he could move into another bedroom and have his own bath. He has told me that things were never "physical" which I have confirmed through others & feel pretty certain that it had not gone all the way although the texting and photos explained in detail all things they wanted to do to each other. Initially he said it only occured over a period of two days & that she did this with others at their work (another fact I confirmed). With that info & his extreme show of remorse & empathy I agreed to go forward. After a week I found out that other messages had been sent on FB a week prior to when he said it happened. Again, I went down the rabbit hole and threw him out and then again accepted his explanations and decided to move forward with counseling. Then, the Verizon bill search happened & discovered this has been going hot & heavy since the beginning of August. Devastated and would love some feedback....

[This message edited by PoLo89 at 2:34 PM, November 4th (Monday)]

devasted30 posted 11/4/2013 14:40 PM

Ahhhhhhhhhhhh, the TT. Welcome - almost everyone goes through this. It's not bad enough that they did this, but then they continue to lie about it. My WS lied to me for 8-9 months and I'm still not sure I have it all. But, it's easy to see why he is lying to you - I did exactly the same thing you did. Yell, scream, hit etc but that doesn't give them a safe environment so they lie. They feel they have to - we can't take the truth. Which is true in a way. I begged, pleaded etc but he just couldn't tell me the truth. Knew it would almost kill me even though I told him it would be worse if I found out later because it would mean a "double hurt". The true story - hurt
That he way lying - hurt
But, still it didn't happen.
I wish I could tell you what to do to make him finally tell it all to you, but nothing and I mean nothing worked for me. I gave him every analogy I could think of - rebuilding - so we need to take all the broken bricks away and start at the foundation etc. but nothing worked. I'm afraid you will just have to wait until he feels comfortable, but who knows if he ever will. It's totally unbelievable after what they have done that we have to create a "safe place" for them to tell us the truth. But, that's the way it is IMHO. Good Luck and be prepared. There is probably more hurt out there.

painfulpast posted 11/4/2013 14:43 PM

Your WH had an 'emotional affair'. It is as damaging and hurtful as a PA, and some say moreso because of the emotional attachment.

Your H needs to be honest. He cannot continue to lie to you. It is disrespectful, and you deserve the truth in your marriage and life. If you are going to forgive him, you need to know what you're forgiving.

I would start the 180 (healing library, BS Faqs, question 11), insist he go to IC, and find an IC for myself.

Being betrayed is very hard, and takes a very long time to recover from. His lying is only going to make that worse.

Lionne posted 11/4/2013 14:46 PM

First of all, breathe. Self care is paramount. You have been betrayed and traumatized. YOU are the most important thing in this equation right now. Eat what you can, stay hydrated, get to a doctor for anti-depressants if needed.

You aren't alone. Too many of us have been blindsided by this kind of crap. You will find friends here.

There is a strong possibility that you still don't know all the ugly truth. I would insist on a polygraph to start. You cannot heal unless you know what you are healing from.

What you do next is dependent upon whether or not you want to work on your marriage or whether this infidelity is a deal-breaker. And make no mistake about it, even if his behavior WASN'T physical, it still was infidelity.

The Healing Library has so much useful information, and clear, purposeful actions for you to take. As do some of the posts in Just Found Out. Read and post here often. We'll help you through this no matter which path you take.

Hugs, SK.

TXMommy posted 11/4/2013 14:46 PM

Well, I am so sorry you are here. My FWH had an emotional, text, email, facebook affair, too. I found out by finding a video in his email that she sent him. It was disgusting, and I, too, went off the deep end with anger.

I think the first thing you should do is focus on YOU and what you want. These decisions do not have to be immediate, nor do you have to put a timeline on figuring out what you want. Do you want the WHOLE truth? If you do, make that a condition of R. Make sure that he KNOWS the lying and trickle truth has to stop, and if he can not do that, he needs to leave. I told my FWH that if I found one more lie, if he did not start telling the WHOLE truth, I was done. And, I meant it. Definitely follow through with whatever you decide.
Contact with her has to stop. Has he done that? He needs to cut ALL ties. Block her number, change his number if he has to, block her on facebook, and change his email address if he needs to. Whatever it takes to cut ties. I know he works with her, is that something that could change? Is that something that YOU need in order to consider R? The day I found out was the day he blocked her on FB, closed his email account, and we changed our numbers. He gave me every password/passcode he had, and I started monitoring the phone bill. That was the ONLY way I was going to stay, and he knew it.
There are a lot more things I could write, but honestly, I think your initial plan of action would be to figure out what you want/need at this point, and if you are willing to R. THEN, if you are, set clear cut conditions of R.

Lionne posted 11/4/2013 14:51 PM

I just bumped several useful posts that will now show up on the first page of the JFO forum. Look for the Bulls-eye bullet.

Hang in there, honey.

GotMyLifeBck2013 posted 11/4/2013 15:02 PM

Lying is just as big as the sex in my case. Gaslighting, trickle truth, i got so sick of it so fast it made it real easy to walk away. The sick thing about cheaters is they refuse to live in any truth until years later, by then for most its too late. Would be easier on them if they sat down at a polygraph for an hour and just got it over with. In fact, tell him its a requirement to stay married to you.

PoLo89 posted 11/4/2013 15:28 PM

Through the verizon search I confirmed that there were 4 additional texts, 2 from him & 2 from her with 6 hours of my throwing him out and there has not been any since then. He says he told her I found the texts and that he was deleting her from his phone. She responded that she would do the same. It is like a dagger in my heart to know he spends his entire day at work with her. He says she is going to going to a different location but I don't think that's within his control. He has always done any and all things I've ever asked of him, we had a terrific sex life, home life, great kids. He has always made me feel like I was the best thing that ever happened to him....and then this.

Lionne posted 11/4/2013 15:51 PM

One of the SI truths is that an A is always about the brokenness of the Wayward, not about the spouse. It's a hard truth to internalize, especially in the early days.

He needs to stop the contact with her immediately. Not eventually. He needs to hand you his phone to prove there's no continuing contact, no deleting of anything allowed. If she is married, you need to contact her husband without warning him. Her husband deserves to know the truth, and it puts another set of eyes on the pair of them.

There are other steps to take if you are to gift him with the treasure of reconciliation.

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