"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

She-Ra posted 11/4/2013 14:53 PM

BH drove home drunk last night. I've made it clear that it was a deal breaker for me especially now that we have a daughter. He hasn't done this in about 8 months and I thought he was changed. I'm a fool. He will never change.

He nearly killed himself in 2006 by his own drinking and driving. He put himself in the hospital for 3 weeks. We were "friends" at this point and I received a text one day to let me know his hospital room number. I went to visit the next day. It was a horrifying sight to see. I sat next to him and we talked but I couldn't look at his face. It was so banged up, bloody and bandaged. I met his mom at the hospital and she was drawn to me. She wanted her son to get his life in order and date a nice girl like me. I will never forget his face after the accident. Just so awful that it's engrained into my memory.

Throughout our entire relationship this has been a problem. I even had to put $1000 on my credit card in 2008 to fix a car that was damaged from his drunk driving. We had a huge fight that night over it. I slept on the couch and was awoken by cops at the door at 2 am. They had a report of wreckless driving. I sorta covered for him because I wasn't in the mood to release my boyfriend to the cops. I was very mad. I almost broke up with him.

It is not a constant thing. He probably does it 2-3 times a year which is 2-3 times too often. It only takes once to kill someone, kill himself or just plainly get arrested, lose your license for a year, thousands of dollars of legal fees and fines and a possible criminal record. This is my fucking deal breaker!!!!!!!!

The last time he did this, I called my BFF and asked her cop hubby to come over with his breathalyzer. He failed obviously. He was embarrassed and we went to MC afterwards. I was pregnant. I gave him another chance. I made it clear that I wasn't going to live knowing I can't trust my H to use his road sense.

I video taped him with my phone last night to show him what he looked like. I have watched it a few times today.

I had insomnia last night thinking about our daughter, custody and money issues. This is not easy to enforce a deal breaker. I'm weak. I don't think I can go through with it. I'm not working until June 2014. This sucks so bad....

I don't know what to do :(

wifehad5 posted 11/4/2013 17:40 PM

I'm sorry to hear this

Have you shown him the video?

[This message edited by SI Staff at 5:40 PM, November 4th (Monday)]

She-Ra posted 11/4/2013 18:22 PM

Not yet because he's been at work all day. I think it will help serve more of a reminder to me to not rugsweep it.

Brandon808 posted 11/4/2013 19:16 PM

You already know you can't rugsweep it. I know it's tough but this is a destructive problem your BH has and he needs to commit to getting help.

GotMyLifeBck2013 posted 11/4/2013 19:24 PM

When anyone suffers trauma they tend to run to what comforts them... Not a good thing by any means but hes going to what he knows will make him feel better. Unfortunately sounds like hes got a big problem.

Aubrie posted 11/4/2013 19:36 PM

Awww crap. I was afraid of this happening again.

You cannot rugsweep this Girlfriend. You have a little girl to protect.

((((She-Ra))))

knightsbff posted 11/4/2013 19:37 PM

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I have no advice. I have been there in my first marriage...it ended for me when the marriage did.

(((She-Ra)))

HFSSC posted 11/4/2013 19:54 PM

I know you don't need further convincing (or maybe you do). This just strikes a nerve for me. Five weeks ago my H and ds14 were almost hit head on by a drunk driver at 930 on a Saturday morning. My H saw the wreck happen in his rear view after the driver swerved back into his lane then lost control. It was a mile from our home. JM called me because I'm a nurse and we live in the boonies. I got there at the same time ems did and held this 21 year old's head in my hands as he died. His 23 year old brother was driving.

Their family will never be the same. Neither will mine.

Now, speaking as an alcoholic-addict, there have never been any consequences big enough or awful enough to deter me. The only thing that ever worked was when I finally reached my bottom and became willing to ask for help. You cannot want this for him. You cannot convince him to want it. You have to protect your daughter and yourself. Have you ever been to Alanon? The program has been a lifesaver to a lot of people.

Peace and strength to you, Dear One.

knightsbff posted 11/4/2013 20:00 PM

Have you ever been to Alanon? The program has been a lifesaver to a lot of people.

Brilliant advice from HF.

nowiknow23 posted 11/4/2013 20:32 PM

I don't know what to do

You do, though, honey. You know exactly what you have to do. You have to let the consequences hit him full stop. It is truly the most loving thing you can do for him, your DD, and yourself.

Sending you strength.

She-Ra posted 11/4/2013 21:59 PM

Thanks for the replies. All good advice... And some reality that I needed to hear.

You're right NIK I do know what to do... It's my fear that holds me back. And my pride. It's like I'm a big failure. I have failed at being a loyal wife. And failing as a mother if I don't make the right decision for her.

He either has to actually change or I have go let go of the dream of a life with him. KnightsBFF you make a good point. It ends when the marriage ends. I just don't believe he will change because he is in denial. I knew he was drunk the moment he spoke to me. Yet he chooses to attempt to gaslight me with lies and half truths as if I should believe him when I can see everything with my own eyes.

He's going to be home in a few minutes and I don't want to see him. Why oh why does he have to continue to do this to us. HFSSC you are right. No consequence is enough to deter him. Me leaving with our daughter is not enough because he twists it to become my fault. Likely he will throw my As in my face. Whatever. It helps relieve him of any responsibility so he can feel better. I hear his truck. I'm logging off for now

She-Ra posted 11/5/2013 00:18 AM

Well we talked... Argued.. Talked some more. It got ugly and then we had some break through discussions. I tried to create this as his rock bottom. He knows I''m ready to pack my bags over it even if it means going to my parents house.

I still consider our marriage in limbo. I''m thinking about consulting a lawyer to find out rights and such. Being that that our house is solely in my name and being super worried about how everything will affect our daughter, I need to be on guard. I would go for sole custody if we are separating and will be documenting everything from here on out to help a case if needed.

I feel as though decisions will be made on our marriage within 3-6 months. Whether or not, we can survive year 2 is still an issue. His problems are another kettle of fish.

[This message edited by She-Ra at 12:19 AM, November 5th, 2013 (Tuesday)]

HFSSC posted 11/5/2013 06:28 AM

Well we talked... Argued.. Talked some more. It got ugly and then we had some break through discussions. I tried to create this as his rock bottom. He knows I''m ready to pack my bags over it even if it means going to my parents house.

Gently, Hon, you CAN NOT create his rock bottom. You have to find a way to let go of the idea that you can control this, somehow force his hand. And discussions with an active addict are absolutely pointless. He will say anything to either A) shut you up or B) piss you off to the point that you walk away.

What you can do is detach. Protect yourself and your precious daughter from being affected by this any further. Maybe the loss of his family will be a wakeup call and he will decide he's had enough. Maybe there will be further consequences he has to face. But until he is in enough pain to make him decide getting help is preferable to continuing to drink, he is going to drink.

Please find an Alanon meeting. You have to find some ways to cope and find your strength.

(((She-Ra)))

HopeImOverIt posted 11/5/2013 10:54 AM

Ignition interlock.

If you decide to let him stay, you need one installed on any cars he has the keys to. I'm sure it's expensive, but so is divorce.

She-Ra posted 11/6/2013 00:08 AM

Thanks again for the advice. I've been doing lots of thinking..

So I met up with one of my best friends today.. I told her what happened and we chatted about it all. Now I've known her for over 20 years so it's pretty hard to hide anything from her. I have never told her about my As cuz I would be worried about her telling her H or another one of our friends. Even though she probably wouldn't, I'm just afraid to because I'm so ashamed of what I have done. She said something to me that made me look like a deer in headlights.. She was saying how she thinks my BH is off. Like he's been through a crisis and traumatized for approx a year and a half. She pretty much could pinpoint Dday without even having a clue. She asked me point blank, what the hell happened???!! I was speechless. I could barely speak a word. I let her keep talking and was begging inside for her to stop asking me. I wanted to tell her that I cheated on him which is why he is so fucked up. I just couldn't say the words.

A few months back she told me that I was the best compartmentalizer she had ever known. For fuck sakes I thought. Really?? Geez i had no idea that I was so obvious.

I felt like I had my mind made up. That I knew I could leave my BH. Now I know I have to fight harder. Now I know I can't fix his shit that he pulled. I have started to document notes so that if I need it for custody issues down the road. I know that if I need to leave him, I can be ready for June 2014. I need to be working. I have a fantastic job that pays well but I won't leave my daughter until my 1 year maternity leave is up. That is what is best for her. Our life is far better right here and now than if I jumped ship. If I leave my BH, she loses all that time with me.

Brandon808 posted 11/6/2013 08:32 AM

She was saying how she thinks my BH is off. Like he's been through a crisis and traumatized for approx a year and a half. She pretty much could pinpoint Dday without even having a clue.

Then he must get into IC. He is drinking to cope because he doesn't have the coping skills on his own. That would be non-negotiable imho. Whether or not he stays your H is one thing, but he will always be your child's father. This may sound strange but I'd suggest you go mama bear on him and tell him "I'm not letting my H endanger the life of my child's father."

She-Ra posted 11/6/2013 10:39 AM

Thanks Brandon. I know it would be helpful for some IC but that is not an option. Going to MC has been the only thing he has been willing to do and that's hard to get him to go.

Also I want to set the record straight... Our child's life is not in danger. His problem is not a daily or weekly thing.. It's an issue when he gets together with his moronic, idiotic buddies and doesn't go home when he knows he should.