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Db4ever posted 11/4/2013 15:05 PM

After 10 months of post dday and trying everything i can, i have hit a huge brick wall. I cant seem to break through and i desparately seek help. I read books, go tho therapy, and research online. She says its not enough and i need to try something else. She seems so sad, angry, and impossible to make happy on this miserable rollercoaster that i have put her on. All talks revolve in a vicious circle as i end up defensive when the attacks escalate. I try to suck it up but i find it hard to listen to the insults, name calling, and recall of things i have done repeatedly thrown in my face. When asked to give details they end up getting banked and used as ammo. That makes it hard to open up to try and help when you know how its gonna play out. Now the cold shoulder and sense of moving on prevail as i try to find ways to help....

Undefinabl3 posted 11/4/2013 15:10 PM

I wish I could offer more help, but I understand where you are coming from.

I am almost 6 years out, and still we have a hard time with it.

I know that as a human you have ever right to be treated with respect. At some point there is a line that crosses from being hurt to being mean, I think maybe she has crossed it.

if she is not in counseling with you, then I strongly suggest that she goes. The thing with R is that it takes both of you to do it, and if she expects only you to work at R, then it won't work.


toughernow posted 11/4/2013 15:24 PM

No stop sign so...BS here.

Is she here on SI?

We are just over a year into R and I am finding it helpful to be here on the forum.

I think many BS/WS's will agree that the roller coaster of emotions can continue for some time.

Therapy, reading, posting...all very good.

She says its not enough and i need to try something else.

Have you tried to show her how much you love her in "small quiet ways"?
You know her, what could you do for her or say to her that would reach her and let her know you have listened to her?

fWH did IC early on, and read a few things that I gave him. Beyond that one of the things he has done over the last year is just to show me as consistently as he can that he wants me, he wants this marriage.

Have you been completely truthful with her? As BS's we no longer take the loyalty, faithfulness and truthfulness of our partners for granted.

When arguments escalate between fWH and myself I can tell you it does not help that he gets defensive...I understand why he does, but it does not help. When this is happening and I am "losing it", its not because I am a hateful person, always been very loving. The best way I can describe it is to say, and I believe this to be true, "People are only mean when they are threatened." When I am angry I am covering up the root feelings of fear, and uncertainty, and I want him to give me those feelings of safety and certainty back.

Time...many great sources on the trauma of infidelity say that it take at least two years to heal for the couple...two years to just begin to feel "normal" again.

It's not a sprint..It's a marathon.

Sorry I can't offer more than this.

[This message edited by toughernow at 4:20 PM, November 4th (Monday)]

womaninflux posted 11/4/2013 15:25 PM

I'm a BS and one of the things I was advised by and older divorced friend was that I should not be a victim. I did not understand this at first. Why can't I feel sorry for myself? Why can't people feel sorry for me? I did not do anything wrong!!!

Well, now I know what she meant! You can only wallow so long (and it's different for everyone) before the wallowing and the validation seeking becomes somewhat addictive and you just get used to saying negative things like "X did this and hurt me this way" to friends/family. And everyone responds with "You deserve so much better/I can't believe that happened/you should be so mad." What everyone should be saying is "Y, I am sorry this has happened to you and I am happy to listen to you but I want to know what you are DOING for yourself about it?" Ultimately, the BS needs to regain control of their life and help themselves heal (and obviously the WS should do everything they can to support that effort).

Having said this, it is probably not appropriate for YOU to be the one saying that she is further victimizing herself even if you said it in the most neutral terms. Is there a mutual friend you both have in common who might be able to have such a discussion with her?

heforgotme posted 11/4/2013 17:46 PM

Now the cold shoulder

I know that you must realize that this is nothing compared to what you have put her through.

Hang in there. Everything you "take" from her helps her believe in you again. Helps her believe that she's actually worth it to you, despite actions to the contrary.

Good luck.

heartache101 posted 11/4/2013 18:05 PM

Gently, My husbands therapist told him to suck it up and take it. She looked at me and said you cant beat him with harshness everyday every nite etc......
May I suggest you write down everything I mean everything. Hand it to her as your timeline. Only once a week at such and such time may she talk about the timeline.
No you should not be assaulted with anger every day but gently doesnt it concern you your spouse is feeling this huge wave of anger it has to be released somehow. You can help her heal with full disclosure.
It is good she feels safe enough to let it all out. Therapy for her might be great too. If she is stuck in the past she needs to move forward. Help her move forward. Write the timeline set dates and time to talk about it. Otherwise tell her to journal. You make dats nites and start courting your wife if you havent already started that.

Db4ever posted 11/4/2013 21:52 PM

Thank everyone, i have courted, listened, timelined, journaled, spoke about it and been told to deal with it or get the f out. So i do, to a point. Been 180'd and felt the pain and woke up. I created the agony and hav sat for hours trying to hold her as she cried to b told im only trying to make myself feel better. She triggers and associates everything with triggers, even just driving into the city where it happened. Gave her the details and she has endless mind movies that she cant control and being a control freak doesnt make it better. I try to recognize and prevent triggers as much as possible. The looks of disgust are kiling me when i am trying so hard and not being seen for what i do just what i have done. Thank u all, i am hating myself terribly but being told poor me.

Db4ever posted 11/4/2013 21:55 PM

I welcome the onslaught of anger and words over the ignoring, looks, and disconnect that i let myself feel and contribute to getting me here in the first place.

Softcentre posted 11/6/2013 05:17 AM

It would help if you could answer a couple of questions to provide a bit more context:

1. Did you confess or did she find out?

2. Did you tell her everything in one go, or did you trickle truth? And if so, for how long before she knew all of it?

3. Are you still living together?

4. You mention she did the 180, is she still doing it? If so, are there things she asked you to do, that you haven't done, or not communicated that you have done?

5. Is she / has she got counselling?

6. Does she feel she has all the truth?

7. How do you feel about her pain?

[This message edited by Softcentre at 5:18 AM, November 6th (Wednesday)]

mchercheur posted 11/6/2013 06:07 AM

Agree with above poster----if your BW is not on this site, direct her here pronto----it has been a lifesaver for me.
She may be able to work thru a lot of her feelings here.

10 months is not that long. We are almost 2 1/2 years out, & I (the BS) am still pretty miserable, altho I keep a lot of it to myself now. Your BS must feel safe enough to show you what's going on inside of her---that is good.
IC has helped me a lot.
Are you guys in IC/MC?

A good MC can work wonders. We are as far along as we are because of ours---there is no way we could have done it without him.

SurprisinglyOkay posted 11/6/2013 07:28 AM

I try to recognize and prevent triggers as much as possible.

One of the hardest things I heard from my Bs was that I am his biggest trigger.
How do you prevent that?

The looks of disgust are kiling me when i am trying so hard and not being seen for what i do just what i have done. Thank u all, i am hating myself terribly but being told poor me.

Who are you healing for? You or Your wife?

This is my experience.
I was doing some work and saying "Look at me, SEE what I am doing. Look at me get better!!"
I was trying to get better for him, and our relationship.
Eventually there was a shift, I began doing the work for me. I knew I would keep doing the work regardless of what happened with us. That's when I really began to change, that's when he began to notice, as soon as I no longer needed him to.

Watch the self pity, it keeps you in the victim mind set and is a killer. It took a lot of self awareness to deal with my self pity, but I got there eventually.

Keep doing the work, Keep posting. I'll echo previous posters this site may really help your BS.

Steppenwolf posted 11/6/2013 21:27 PM

Who are you healing for? You or Your wife?


KBeguile posted 11/6/2013 21:32 PM

I'll ditto Broevil again. I definitely feel better about my behavior when I know I'm the one who's choosing to behave this way, rather than behaving this way "because I'm supposed to." It also helps keep yourself motivated when it's you doing it and not some external force.

Like exercising, it's better when you want it for your own health and gets easier the more you do it.

TryN2Heal posted 11/6/2013 21:57 PM

I first I was trying to change and get help to save my has now turned into saving myself.

GotMyLifeBck2013 posted 11/6/2013 22:56 PM

Former BS here. Slightly different take. If she says you arent doing enough, then take her at her word. Tell her you would like a list of things you can realistically do to help her heal. Then tell her you are working on being the best person you can be now for your marriage because you werent the best you could be before, and you are in it for the long haul. Understand that her anger is her wanting you to know the hurt she feels.

As for the visions, it took me a while, but finally after four months, i found a trick. It originates with sufi mystics. Its called vision distortion. The visions are in her mind, and I normally wouldnt share this with a wayward because you need to go through the hurt with your bs, however, 10 months is torture. The next time she has visions, turn them colors. Make them stretch and get wider, leaner, smaller, change the focus. I did this for about 3 weeks. A year later, and after a divorce i rarely think of the hurt and pain and my triggers are far less severe. I believe the vision distortion does really help.

painfulpast posted 11/7/2013 07:08 AM

even just driving into the city where it happened.

This is a trigger for many BSs.

I was happily on the anger train, for a long time. My H also became defensive during arguments, and it would make me stop, only to feel hurt later and bring it all up again with the same rage, hatred, etc. It was a very ugly cycle.

It finally stopped when, during one of my anger moments, my fWH very calmly looked at me and said "You aren't helping anything by screaming or namecalling. Yes, I screwed up, badly, and I'll be forever sorry for that, but at some point you have to be willing to stop screaming and insulting me if we are going to stay together. You're so used to saying whatever you want that you don't even think about it anymore. If you won't make an effort to stop and move forward then there is no point to this, because this is no life for either of us."

I'm NOT saying you should do this. It worked for me, but that is me. My H knows me. He knew what would happen - I would become enraged (yep) and think "HOW DARE HE SAY THAT TO ME!!!" (yep) and storm off screaming some vulgarities at him (yep) and then not speak to him for a day or so (yep). But he also knew that things slowly settle with me, and that I would hear what he said. I did. I told him that I was sorry (yep) and that I would try to keep the conversations civil and (gulp) respectful. I did try. I did slip up. I kept trying. This was the work I needed to do - I needed to start behaving like a married person again, and not an angry person.

If you think something like this will work in your situation, you may want to give it a try. You know your situation much better than anyone here.

Gently, I do wonder, based on your comment that I quoted, if you aren't minimizing her pain. Triggers from a betrayal are everywhere. Driving into the city that it happened in is a big reminder. My OW lives in another state. If anyone even says the name of that state, I stiffen. It's been 3 years. Locations are big for many people. I'm not scolding you - just trying to help educate. If something triggers her, then it triggers her, and there really isn't any 'even' about it. They are all triggers, and they hurt every time. If you're letting out that you think some of her triggers are overkill, that will really hurt her recovery because she'll feel that you don't 'get it'.

I don't know if any of this was helpful or not, but I do hope you find the solution that works for you. Good luck!

thepilgrim posted 11/7/2013 10:54 AM

This behavior has been a huge problem in our relationship. Actually, my wife exhibited this behavior many years before I became wayward.

I stopped the relationship with the OW 10 month's ago and attempted to heal my relationship with my wife. She continued with the humiliation and attacks. Frankly, it actually got better after DDay. But for me, I decided there is no way I am putting up with this any longer. After I rather bad attack, which by happenstance, was followed the next day by a scheduled session with the marriage counselor, and during the counseling session, I stated that I am leaving the relationship and the marriage - I cannot put up with this behavior any more in my life -- I am done!

Well, because this was within a MC session the counselor tried to see if there was a way to reconcile. My wife for the first time acknowledges her behavior as a problem. I stated I will stay, for now, but never again will I put up with the abuse. So our marriage is on a "hair trigger."

Since then, it has been better, not perfect, but much better. As mentioned above, my wife, up to this time, never acknowledged this as a problem -- for me it was an overriding problem in our marriage and drove me away from an intimate relationship with her. Now she realizes her verbal abuse and meanness to me (and to our children) is a problem she must deal with and she is doing so.

Now when she gets agitated she talks with me about what she is feeling and together we lower the flame level. I give her support and do my best to make her feel that she is not alone.

I hope this healing continues but I am not backing away from the demand that this cruel behavior of hers is not part of my future life. Yes, I am completely done with being a target.

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