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Newest Member: Thranduilion (61515)

User Topic: Okay, riddle me this, SI
♀ 37550
Member # 37550
Sad  Posted: 3:52 PM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When your WS gives new information - even if that information is kind of vindicating in a way - why would a BS still feel gutted?

Okay, so WH lets me know that he and Obitch had a conversation about them being girlfriend and boyfriend, and he (at first) only told me that when she asked, he said: "No."

Now, I find out there was more conversation in which she tried to convince him of the merits of keeping this "relationship" to themselves, and he said: "No. Not leaving my family, blah, blah, blah."

He didn't tell me this before so I'm not sure it's gutting me so much now. I mean, I should feel victory, right? He told her he wasn't leaving his family for her and shut her down on the whole "Nobody has to know" shit.

But...I still feel gutted, like a goddamn sucker punch from a sixth degree black belt would be so much more preferred than this.

Why does it hurt when I should be doing a fist pump because at least the bitch got her feelings hurt? Why does it hurt so FUCKING much?

One too many D-days; taking it one day at a time.
(Full story: see profile)

Posts: 237 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Atlanta, GA
♀ 40298
Member # 40298
Default  Posted: 3:57 PM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It hurts because it's still TT. You think you know everything, and then something (even the smallest bit of information) comes out and you feel like you're back to Square One.

I am so sorry. I imagine she felt the same way you do now when he told her he wasn't leaving. She gave him her "everything" and he only gave her his crumbs.

I'm so sorry. I hate this for all of us.

p.s. I LOVE your term Obitch!


[This message edited by Raven96 at 3:57 PM, November 4th (Monday)]

Marriage isn't a test, so why cheat?

Posts: 379 | Registered: Aug 2013
♀ 40139
Member # 40139
Default  Posted: 3:58 PM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Because they had CONVERSATIONS in which they discussed the nature of their RELATIONSHIP and wtf, why is this even something they have to talk about? It's intimate. It's personal. We're outside of it. It hurts like hell.

Me: Believer, 40s
Him: Liar, 40s
Married 19 years
1 year EA/2 month PA/incidental infidelities I can't begin to process
OC born 2014
In successful R. It only hurts now when it rains.

Posts: 865 | Registered: Jul 2013
♀ 41038
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 3:58 PM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why does it hurt? Because a lie of omission is still a lie. Because you've tried for a year to rebuild trust, and convinced - yes, convinced - yourself to even try despite your head screaming not to, and he lied for the entire year. Because you've discussed at length the need for the truth, and you didn't get it. Because some OW and your H had something between them - just them.

Because infidelity hurts forever.

DDay - 12/2010
Fully R'd - I love my husband

Posts: 2246 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
♀ 40051
Member # 40051
Default  Posted: 4:03 PM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My FWH told me that he told her CB comes first and would never do anything to "help" her or leave me because I was number one in his life ( I swear their thinking makes no sense) so he was never " in love" with her.
Also he says the sex was just ok- he got off and that's about it. Says sex with me is WAY better.

Both those things make me feel like crap bc he possibly traded his wife and family for someone he liked only as a "friend" but not even a close one and mediocre sex. Yep that makes me feel just great.

Me-BS 35
Him-FWH 40
PA sex 3-4times over three months during the EA

Posts: 112 | Registered: Jul 2013
♀ 31349
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 4:05 PM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

why would a BS still feel gutted?

I think that until the scar tissue has had time to heal, each new bit of information is just going to rip us back open.

It feels like a fresh DDay when lies are exposed or new information is presented.

It is my hope that after the WS sees what aftershocks do to their BS, the will steel themselves and rip the bandaid off once and for all.

The prospect of telling someone you care about something that would hurt them is scary, but getting it all out saves you from future "guttings." Timelines are good for this.

If you need to have information like the kind you have just received in order to feel like there are no more secrets, maybe you can find a way to tell him that the more he volunteers the sooner this nightmare will be behind you and you can work on tomorrow.

I'm so sorry that it hurts like this all over again for you. You're not alone - we've all felt this way.


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." - Deeply Scared's mom

Posts: 29076 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
♂ 31240
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 5:39 PM, November 4th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree that TT is very pernicious, but there's another aspect of the 'I'll never leave my BS' line.

At first is sounds good - but then the BS realizes, if only at a gut level, that the WS has already left for the ap, and now the WS just plans on cake eating.

We start hearing the line as positive. Then comes a very big let down when we realize 'I'll never leave my BS' is pure, toxic bullshit.

The one possible exception is if the WS says, 'I'll never leave my BS, and I realize I've really effed up. I'm going NC with you, my dear ap, right now.' In that case, the line isn't meaningless.

fBH (me) - 66 on d-day, Married 43, together 45 on d-day, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
Most of us know only our own experience. That's not enough data to support a general rule that D, or R, is right in every sitch.

Posts: 16807 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Illinois
Topic Posts: 7

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