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should i hang out with my former coworkers?

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Alyssamd24 posted 11/4/2013 15:57 PM

One of my old coworkers sent me a text today asking if I want to hang out with her and two other co-workers on Friday night.

I am reluctant to go cuz I am afraid it will be a HUGE trigger for me...all three of these co-workers know about my A with my xAP and they see him on a regular basis. And even if no one were to talk about it I think it would be the elephant in the room.

I want to put that whole part of my life behind me and focus on my future...and I don't think I can do that if I hang out with them right now.

I told my BH about it and he agreed it may not be a great idea and if it were him he wouldn't go.

What would others do? And how do I explain this to my friends? Should I make up an excuse or be honest?

It's so hard cuz I miss my old co-workers and kids at the center....but those things all remind me of the A and I don't think I'm at the point yet where I can put myself in that situation.

JustDesserts posted 11/4/2013 16:00 PM

Sounds like your head and heart know that "nope" is the correct answer. People, places, things...

Kelany posted 11/4/2013 16:01 PM

Oh hell no.

They are not friends of your marriage. Its likely they will bring up your AP, which breaks mental NC.

Also, this will be hurtful to your husband.

painfulpast posted 11/4/2013 16:02 PM

I told my BH about it and he agreed it may not be a great idea and if it were him he wouldn't go.

No stop sign, so I'll respond.

I wouldn't go. Your H doesn't want to manage your life and control you, but he told you that it wasn't a good idea, and that he wouldn't go. What else do you need to hear?

I don't think you feel your friends mean more than your H. I think if you go, he's going to think that you are still more interested in those friends and that life. I can't see any good coming from you going, but I can see a lot of bad.

Alyssamd24 posted 11/4/2013 16:14 PM

I agree it isn't a good idea to go. I don't think it would be good for me, and certainly don't want to hurt my BH.

But.....do I tell my friend the truth or make up an excuse?

Sal1995 posted 11/4/2013 16:16 PM

Don't go. Tell them the truth IMO, but as long as you do the right thing by your husband, what you choose to tell them is really besides the point.

painfulpast posted 11/4/2013 16:19 PM

They know of your A, so I think you should tell the truth - that that part of your life is over, and that you being around anything that was part of your life then is not good for your marriage, so for the foreseeable future, you will not be joining them for activities.

painfulpast posted 11/4/2013 16:21 PM

Please let me clarify - I think giving them the 'why' will make your husband feel that he is not only worth you not going, but he is worth you explaining that he means too much for you to do anything to jeopardize your marriage. I think that will mean a great deal to him.

This is why I say you should tell your friends why. Telling them will also cause them to not ask you out repeatedly.

wifehad5 posted 11/4/2013 16:44 PM

Did you hang out with these people outside of work prior to this?

As for not going, just tell them you have other plans. Your plans can be to stay home with your H and Dd. No reason to get into any deeper than to say you have plans

MissesJai posted 11/4/2013 16:51 PM

I agree with wh5. You don't have to tell them anything. "I have plans" works just fine. If they, probe further, the choice to divulge further is on you, but I wouldn't encourage it.

Alyssamd24 posted 11/4/2013 17:52 PM

I hung out with them occasionally before I left that job but not very often.

I have been at my new job for almost a month and was out of work for about a month and a half before that (that's when I "resigned" from that job.

The thing is, like Samantha said they are not friends of my M. Two of them are the co-workers I have mentioned before. ...they knew about the A and basically congratulated me on it

almostlostitall posted 11/4/2013 17:53 PM

I would not go. Especially if it will be a trigger for you. Not worth it, especially if you are trying to R with you BS.

RippedSoul posted 11/4/2013 18:01 PM

I can not imagine spending ANY time at all with people who congratulated me on an affair. Those people aren't safe for you, for your husband, or for your marriage. Not sure they're even people. JMHO.

Alyssamd24 posted 11/4/2013 18:38 PM

I just texted her back and said I can't hang out with them cuz its too much of a trigger for me and my BH!

Thank you for all of you who replied

20WrongsVs1 posted 11/4/2013 19:50 PM

Your response was an overshare. A simple, "Can't make it," would've sufficed. Be very careful about your boundaries. What happens in your M, stays in your M.

(I was about to post "no f'ing way" when I just saw your last post.)

soconfusednow posted 11/4/2013 21:08 PM

I told my BH about it and he agreed it may not be a great idea and if it were him he wouldn't go.

Is it possible he wants to say no, but doesn't, because he wants you to make the decision not to go?

Please let me clarify - I think giving them the 'why' will make your husband feel that he is not only worth you not going, but he is worth you explaining that he means too much for you to do anything to jeopardize your marriage. I think that will mean a great deal to him.

I agree with this wholeheartedly!

Two of them are the co-workers I have mentioned before. ...they knew about the A and basically congratulated me on it

My WH had a friend that knew about the A and even did things to encourage it. Every time he does anything that friend is involved in, I stress from the time I first hear of any possible plans until it's over & done with, Sometimes for days after. Would you H have the same reaction? After everything you've put him through do you want to rub salt in his wounds?

soconfusednow posted 11/4/2013 21:13 PM

Alyssamd24 Sorry I missed your last post before I responded. I'm happy for your H & you that you decided not to go.

authenticnow posted 11/4/2013 21:14 PM

Alyssa,

Anyone who isn't a friend of the marriage should not even be a consideration to hang out with.

It's as simple as, my marriage is worth more than that. nonFOTM should have no place in your life.

Think how damaging it would be to hang out with people who were your cheerleaders during your A.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 9:14 PM, November 4th (Monday)]

Alyssamd24 posted 11/5/2013 15:18 PM

I told my BH that I wasn't going to go and he was very happy and relieved...I told him I knew it would be hard for him (and I) and I didn't want to put him through that.

I know I should have never even considered going...I don't know why I did. I knew it wouldn't be a good idea, but wanted to post about it on here to see what others would say, cuz I guess I was looking for the reassurance that deciding not to go was the right thing.

I guess that's kinda looking for external validation though,isn't it?

gonnabe2016 posted 11/5/2013 20:30 PM

I don't see your original post as looking for external validation (in the *icky* way that we talk about it sometimes) so much as looking for support to do what you knew was the right thing to do.

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